Flying comfortable – An OxyMoron. Review on Flying Comfortable

Spooks and ranjran has detailed almost every facet of “Flying comfortably”.  Since, I am emotional about this subject, I have to write something.

The year 2000 is one of those typical period where I had to undergo the torture of 2 long haul(Flight time more than 6 hours) flights a month.  I was a shameless spineless guy who was overcome by greed to stoop to such levels for money.

The description of my one week odyssey from Bombay, London, Amsterdam, Bombay for 2 useless meetings in London and one visit to a prospect in Amsterdam drained enough for me not to work for next 1 month.

Bombay Airport:

I was asked for tickets, passport etc at the entrance with cop telling me sekoority.  I complied.  Went in checked my bags in faced awful question like “Do you have any fire arms with you” question from British Airways executive(Why am I instantly demoralized and dejected on hearing this word).

Immigration:

The immigration officer is one hell of a guy.  He took a very careful look at my passport and my schengen visa for Netherlands.  He considered himself to be a brother of Einstein to ask me “Yeh Visa Kahan Mila”.  I asked him back “Dutch visa Kahan Milega – Church gate mein”.  He was offended(I didn’t give a damn to what his feelings are anyway).  Then he asks(after 5 min) “Why is the visa written by hand”.  I replied “Why is the passport written by hand – How am I supposed to answer this question”  I immediately called for his supervisor who another burly man who just came out of his sleep and inspires me with his condescendence.

Customs:

Two guys were sleeping and it was my mistake to go in early(10 pm) for that flight.  What should I do Is this my mistake?  They had to groan and yawn in front of me for 10 min before deciding whether to service me.

Their service included questions like “Bag mein kya hai” and “Why are you going to London”  “Why is your return flight via Amsterdam” and “Why do you want to take cell phone” etc etc.  I thanked the Govt of India which employs the bapus and proceeded to relax in the lobby.

Security Check:

I wait in front of the gates(lobby) where a kid comes with a aluminum kettle “chai chai”.  Where is the sekoority I thought.  When I asked him got a reply “Pass hai” But doesn’t have it now.  Superb!

On the way to board the plane one cop salutes me.  I thought “What respect” soon to realize you are expected to tip him.  I was thinking aloud Buzz off.  Inside the airplane I have to find my seat 42F or something, economy seat(right in the middle) in that 3-5-3 seating arrangement in Boeing 747.

In the flight:

My Plan was to drink a couple of pegs, sleep, and wake up at Heathrow for continuing ordeal.  I forgot that this would mean

1.  You are a drunkard.  All passengers in economy class are drunkards view from the hostess making you squirm

2.  You are sleeping means you will not need any meals and though you said wake me up before meals would mean that somebody else comes with the meal and since there is no demand for a meal I am not entitled.

Heathrow:

The same story with Immigration fellow talking to you with disdain.  Immigration is a department meant to have a sadistic pleasure on querying legitimate travelers.  It breaks the barriers of Nationality, Race, Sex… It is a truly global phenomena.

After 2 days of torture by name of meetings have passed, comes our heathrow for the flight to Amsterdam.  There is a sudden check on hand baggage.  They ask me to open the bag, place all the contents and switch on the cell phone(In the spirit of air travel, I had switched it off).  Then instructs me in a not-so-friendly language to proceed.  Others were not checked and hence I(with little self respect remaining) asked them to check others too.  I was given the answer that “They were suspicious”  The country of origin is India and had every reason to suspect.  Remember this was pre 9/11 era.  I was about to teach them the meaning of discrimination but the spineless quality in me got better of that.

Amsterdam:

This is a swelled place,  The airport and the authorities were very friendly and I love this place so much that I had been on personal trips to Amsterdam some 4/5 times afterwards.

B2B(Back to Bombay):

The first thing on landing is again the immigration fellow but he too after a long line was tired of displaying his stupidity.  I came in for a 1.5 hour wait to receive my baggage.  I received one(happy) and other was missed out.  Well, that belonged to my friend who is there in Amsterdam with his family and was preparing to come to India next month.  The bag belonged to him and I checked it in as it is.  Now don’t give me the crap that others baggage etc etc.  I know him too well for that.

When I was standing beside the carriage, One guy comes over and says(Gimme 100 bucks and I will take your luggage past the customs)  I came to know bucks means dollars after some time.  I thought Nobody can save India.  First of all, this is a security checked area and how come unidentified people manage to take a stroll.  When IA flight was kidnapped – I thought no wonder.  Indian Security SUCKS Big time.

My other baggage got lost and I was reminded of the AA poster. “'Breakfast in New York, Lunch in Paris.'(and scrawled below the American Airlines poster)'Baggage in Hong Kong.'

Customs:

Customs guy ask me to open the suitcase and says “You have chocolates”.  “You have cell phone”  “I carried with me on my onward journey and this as you can see is used” – “How do I know” came the reply.  I go all the way from Bombay to Europe and come back with a Nokia 5110 – I mused.  Then Customs guy says “Give me 50 dollars and go out”, I said “You bring my luggage till Domestic airport and I will give you 50 rupees”.  He got infuriated, “Give me your passport” he demanded.  Took the passport and walked off somewhere.  This is a technique.  You get jitters on your passport and when he comes back after 15 min you will give him the money.  I went straight to the A.C’s office and complained about the officer and I threatened “unlawful confiscation of passport” charges filed against his department’s official and I was about to dial for the police in the phone in front of him.  He came running down and got the matter sorted out.

God!  I have traveled extensively that I had 2 reissues of passports already(no free pages for visa stamping) and if this customs crook treat me like this, how will he treat my parents if they are alone.

Overseas travel is a pain.  It is comfortable when you travel phaarein to phaarein.  Not from India to abroad or back to India.  Flights belonging to same airlines will have drastic improvements in service when you go from Europe to(say) US than when you travel from India to Europe.

I can say one thing.  When you come back to India, the only airport where guys are decent is Madras.  But if you live in north, coming via Madras will not make sense.

Thanks for your patience(You will need a lot if you plan to travel abroad).