The worst....from the bottom(of my heart). Review on Five Worst Reviewers on MouthShut

Its tough to decide the worst of anything. Because there are too many of them. Be it actors, politicians(are there better ones anyway?) or cricketers – there are far too many who deserve the honours. The same holds true for MS reviewers. Its great when people heap accolades on you. You never get tired of holding a thousand bouquets but a single brickbat hits you hard. Have you ever wondered even bouquets can cause injuries? Specially, if they come with a tag of'Get Well Soon' aka Lagey Raho Munnabhai.

So, here are my bouquets for some of the revered reviewers on MS who bask in the glory of being rated and trusted highly and sit on a pile of comments, never mind if more than half of those are their own. Whatever they write is received well and gets the maximum hits(I am talking about readership and remember we are talking about Gandhigiri here.)

My chosen five worst reviewers can order any kind of flowers to be woven into their bouquets. But after they have smelt it hard and given their perfect Kodak smiles, I want them to read their own ‘Get Well Soon’ cards. Ready?

1. Psyxx:

If drunken driving is prohibited, why isn’t drunken writing? This ex-star writer on MS is always under the influence of some drink even if it is a can of coke. Anyway, here is his ‘GWS’ card.

Dear Psyxx, I know you know as much about Madonna and Vangelis as they know about themselves but dude, take a chill pill. Just relax, 20 guys who read your review and said they would listen, read, eat, watch what you recommended never actually did. They just rated it VU and commented to tell you that it made them laugh out of their blues. And you like a bloke put smileys and hehehe’s all across the comments section to tell them that they made your day? I always thought MS reviews were about serious consumer awareness. Thanks to reviewers like you, MS has become a stand up comedy show – a laughing stock. Get well soon dude. Just relax. The world won’t end if you don’t transform all the 20000 things you know about into reviews. And as far as laughter is concerned, I prefer Johnny Lever to you.

1. Afrank:

I guess she reads with one eye while watching a movie with the other. One of her ears is plugged in to the iPod while the other is left open just in case someone calls her. She has a few hundred wisdom tooth and is ready to offer you one in each of her reviews. Here is her ‘GWS’ card.

Dear Afrank, someone may have told you that you were an ideal example of beauty with brains. Without taking away the two from you, I still want to ask if you really know how to write a review? I understand your reviews as much I understood my subjects in school. That doesn’t really mean I was a bad student. I always scored enough to go on to the next class. And that attitude which still stays with me has kept me going on from one review of yours to the other. I really appreciate your pains to reply to each and every comment which so many on MS have really emulated. And I hear you coined phrases like RRC and now RRCM. Huh! That sounds to me like E=MC(squared). I hear from reliable sources that you are a scientist. In that way, you know how to invent a formulae and leave the entire community racking their brains to understand and follow them. Peace, lady! Get Well Soon.

1. Zuludancing:

He seems like a pole dancer in a bar to me(look at his profile pic. He has been holding on to that pole for overy 4 years now). I suggest he rather does that than write reviews on MS. Someone please tell him that people read words and sentences rather reading between the lines and hold their bellies. And he expects you to do just that – read the blank spaces between his lines. In that case, I would rather read a blank review and laugh my wits out than read his so called ‘reviews’.

Anyway, here is his ‘GWS’ card.

Dear Zuludancing, I know your wisecracks make you a hot favourite amongst your friends and colleagues. But don’t even think of sprinkling your reviews with them and expect everyone to applaud. You eat vada-paavs and jump on MS to write on it. You drink a milkshake and start shaking well before using your ink to write about it. I hear you get half your ideas while traveling in Mumbai local trains. I hear you caused some injuries when people traveling in the compartment jumped out of the train just because you discussed some of your review ideas with them. The other day someone fell off his chair while reading your review on MS. This is a serious issue which needs attention. For sake of all the readers on MS, please stop writing your ‘reviews’ and let everyone get back to work. You have spread enough of your virus that causes paralysis of lips – a lifelong curvy effect. ENOUGH!

1. Amateurabe:

Now, what is MS upto? Making star writers out of amateurs? So, what would happen to some professional writers like me? This reviewer on MS cannot stop grinning even while she writes some of the most pathetic reviews on subjects like coffee shops, cel cabs and malls. And in order to give you back what you gave her, she returns to comments section of your reviews time and again to harass you to feel vindicated. Just too much!

Anyway, here is her ‘GWS’ card.

Dear Amateurabe, had enough of your reviews on MS. Thank you very much. Now better target those tabloids and newspapers who always keep looking for writers like you to fill in their spaces. And let MS be MS – a sophisticated, know all, been there done that aam junta’s heaven. I was shocked to find so many visitors to your recent review on the subject ‘General advice on fashion during pregnancy’ – more than half of which were males. Good god! Have people gone nuts? Even males are thinking of getting pregnant after reading your review. Stop that. NOW! I am a real MCP to even allow male population to think about conceiving. Get well soon.

5. Flyingelephant:

I don’t know whether his favourite hobby is flying elephants along with kites, but the last place for this moron had to be MS. . I had heard of Bengal tigers, but Bengal Elephants?Ever since he has stepped on this community comprising of normal human beings, things haven’t remained the same. He has trampled comments sections with his elephantine remarks. His last three reviews have comments which look like Mathew Hayden’s last three knocks. His reviews – if you really call them are mere flash in the pan. There have been 23 flashes so far. How many of those flashes can he survive?

Anyway, here is his ‘GWS’ card.

Dear FE, Get life. I know Jumbo jets do fly but come down elephant, come down. Writing reviews may have made you a star writer(yeah yeah I see you lifting your trunk in exultation), but it was only because MS management wanted an ecological balance in the list of Star Writers. And also because Maneka Gandhi lobbied for you. I know you want to write pun-tastic reviews and you try your best, but never thought you would take it this seriously. Your reviews suck…beep beep beep beep…Got it?! Serves you write for using all those beeped words in your own reviews. Now, what are you waiting for? Yeah yeah.go ahead…vent your anger…use the comments section as your baap ka property…Get well soon.

Amen!

PS: Sorry for the wrong category!