The AGONY Column. Review on Five Worst Movies Shahrukh Khan

Send in your personal problems to Agony Uncle who is a huge Shahrukh Khan fan(aren’t we all?), and finds all answers in his movies.

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Dear Agony Uncle,

I’m 23 year old gay guy, marrying my boyfriend of four years next month. We both are somewhat confused about the appropriate dress for our wedding, and correct conduct during the ceremonies.

Yours,

Sweetoo

Dear Sweetoo,

I must insist that the two of you see Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham. You can wear the clothes Shahrukh Khan wore in the song, “Yeh ladki hai allah”, and your husband can wear those worn by him in, “Bolay Chudiyan”. The flowing dupattas, heavy ornate kurtas with shining beads, and reflecting mirrors will make you guys look as pretty as him. As regards your second query on behavior during the ceremonies, whichever of you is undergoing bidaai, can learn how to cry watching Shahrukh when he hugs his mom while leaving home. Besides, you could also pick up tips on how to blush coyly from the scenes where Kajol calls him ‘sexy’. Have a happy married life.

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Dear Agony Uncle,

I’m 26 y.o. guy and somehow have never been a hit with the girls. I open doors for them, buy them flowers, listen when they talk, take them to places/movies they like, eat what they want me to, talk what and when they want me to, I call them up whenever I promised to call, etc. Yet, I’m all-alone, and girlfriendless. What do girls want?

Yours,

Confused Guy

Dear Confused,

Sorry dude, you got it all wrong. Re-learn your approach towards women via Shahrukh Khan’s roles in these movies.

From the emetic monstrosity Anjaam, you must learn to be a babbling psychotic guy who is badly behaved, violent and vengeful towards an airhostess who couldn’t ignore you more. From Kuch Kuch Hota Hai (the aging cool dude in ridiculously flashy branded teen clothes, saying ‘YO’ all the time. help!), you will know that treating a girl like yesterdays newspaper will have her coming running back to you even after you have become a daddy and intentionally rob her from her fiancé. From the obnoxious Chalte Chalte you can learn to pile on her even when she is not interested, and again rob her from her fiancé. Get going now.

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Dear Agony Uncle,

My five year old son! He gets repeated bouts of epilepsy coupled with wheezing. He has a speech defect, a lack of limbic co-ordination. He mangles his hair, the minute we comb them neatly, splashes tomato ketchup all over his face to make it appear bloody. When his lips don’t quiver like an emotional Mala Sinha’s, his eyebrows dance like a plotting Shashikala’s. Specialists attribute all this as collective clinical manifestations of apoplexia coupled with some unspecified cardio-pneumo-cerebro syndrome. As you might have guessed by now, we remain deeply concerned about his future career prospects.

Regards,

Worried Parent

Dear Worried Parent,

Let him become an actor. These very symptoms, that you mention about your son, were converted by Shahrukh Khan into a new acting style in Dil Se. If you can’t bear watching his interpretation of a crazed (and how crazed!) lover of a human bomb, him running, falling down, tripping, bleeding in the climax of Dil Se, then maybe you could watch him as an army officer in Army, as a street tramp caught in a anti-national plot in Oh Darling Yeh Hai India, as a chef/underworld don in Duplicate, as a rustic singer in Chaahat, as an underprivileged guy who takes to crime in Raam Jaane, or as a cop saddled with foster kids in One Two Ka Four. Such a wide variety of characters, yet all done with exactly similar traits/acting style and body language. Stop being overly concerned about your son, I see him as the Kal ka Shahrukh.

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Dear Agony Uncle,

I have a keen interest in music. How do I go about cultivating this as a hobby?Regards,

SaReGaMa

Dear SaReGaMa,

Enroll into the school depicted in Mohobattein! Besides being exposed to flying, fluttering maple leaves, students there also bask under the unlimited musical talents of Mr. Raj Aryan. His classes involve him playing the violin like in a Greco-Roman tragedy. You are not to play any instrument, you are simply supposed to watch him moonstruck while he ad nauseum narrates his boring love-story with a dead woman. Raj Aryan also picks up silly skirmishes with the principal(Amitabh Bachchan) only to prove to the world who is the Big Boss and who is the stammering twitching joker.

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Dear Agony Uncle,

I’m a high school student and failed in my history test last week. My teacher says I know nothing about Mauryan Emperors. Whereas, in my essay on Mauryan Emperors, I explained in great detail how Asoka ran miles after Kaurawaki in a similar manner to how Raj ran after Simran in DDLJ, how he was just as moony a majnu going goo gaa over Kaurawaki like Rahul went loony over Juhi in Darr, with a passing reference on how he was a trendy dandy who wore purple lipstick to enhance his pout, and danced to O Re Kanchi flaunting a maroon dupatta. Why did I fail?

Regards,

I Failed

Dear Failed,

Forgive your history teacher for being an old fogey and his/her moth eaten concepts of this Great Emperor. If SRK wants to interpret Asoka as a whimpering simpering pining lover-boy, what’s the harm? Why those vile allegations of not understanding the gravity of this historical persona and miserably failing to recreate it on the screen? Tomorrow if Kareena Kapoor decides to play Jhansi Ki Rani as a fun loving Poo, we must all accept that too.

So what if Ajay Devgun played a historical character Bhagat Singh perfectly to win National Awards? Had it been done by Shahrukh, he would have used his artistic brilliance to make Bhagat a shy little coy romantic semi-stud with the movie dedicated to his romantic pursuits rather than his freedom fighting contributions.

Playing a historical character authentically is so terribly passé, when it is acceptable to twist and turn a historical character to make it suit the star’s persona.

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