If one more drop would have fallen, the room would have got flooded.
The time was exactly a year ago, when the West Indies were touring India. Saurav Ganguly was the captain of the Indian side for the second ODI, which India lost, inspite of having scored 279. Saurav had scored 78, hitting 9 fours, which included an uncharacteristic hook shot.
'Sob . Dona, why?'
Since this was a home tour, we were forced to catch the action(atleast try to) on DD Sports, a channel which believes that overs are commercial breaks, while advertisements are the main programming.
'I earlier wanted to be a cricketer. Then, the jokers dumped me after just one match . Sob! Then, after I reestablished myself in the side, I decided to change my career and become a dancer. Unfortunately, nobody seemed to think that what I was doing in the Hero Honda commercial was a dance. But then, Sob! Waaaaah . Sob!'
'What happened? Did Shoaib threaten you with a bouncer?'
'No . Sob! Er . Thank you.(on being given a handkerchief by his wife) Agreed that my dance looked funny. But, that doesn't give them any right to call me a . a . pr*stitute . Sob!'
Saurav Ganguly has always been known to show his emotions, but I never thought that he would burst into tears just because of a commentator's comment. But then, if one accuses the Indian cricket captain of being a . hold your breath . pr*stitute, I wouldn't blame Saurav for being shocked. Who was the guilty commentator, did you ask? Someone who goes by the name Arun Lal.
Yeah, he did say it on air! After Saurav played a hook shot to a wayward Drakes delivery, Arun Lal opened his mouth, and thinking himself to be this smart c-o-o-l chap, he commented, 'Oh, Saurav has always been an excellent hooker.' Poor Micheal Holding who was co-commentating choked on his words and repeated, 'An excellent hooker?'
Now, I know that there is a major pun in this sentence, and I would forgive him if he used it unknowngly, BUT, when did Saurav Ganguly become an excellent exponent of the hook shot?! In modern day cricket, I can think of only Brian Lara and Sachin Ailaa! Tendulkar to be'good' players of the hook shot . just good!
And that's not the only one . Some more Arun Lal gems include:
'Both balls of Agarkar have been smashed by Gayle.'(huh!)
And if you think I am the one who is trying to bring in puns just to criticise him, here's the classic:
'And Azhar has smashed that with a delicate touch, bisecting the gap between square leg and point!'
Firstly, I don't think that even Mr. Stylish, Azhar can manage to smash the ball with a delicate touch. And pray! Where on earth does'between square leg and point' mean?! In the middle of the pitch?!
Somehow, I find his oh-I-am-so-innocent expression a faint reminder of Alok Nath. That should prove it to you how much I hate Arun Lal!
The other day, our good pal Arun Lal got lucky. He was going to share the company of'XXXtra Cleavage' chick, Mandira Bedi. Whenever I have seen Arun Lal on Sony's cricket programming, he never looks at Mr. Mushroom Cut Charu Sharma, but is always smiling at Mandira the way Alok Nath suggestively flirted with Reema Lagoo in Hum Aapke Hain Kaun .
But then, kabab mein haddi hai. The haddi(bone) is someone sitting between the two of them, and he just looks like a haddi - Venkatesh Prasad. We Indians must be proud of having someone who can speak faster than he can bowl! Shah Rukh Khan, make way for Venkatesh Prasad!
Some Venky gems include:
Mandy: Why do you think that the conditions got so difficult under lights?
Venky: 'Wailaa . uh . it's not the phurst thaim date betting(!) . er . under lights has been . ummmmmmmm . dikkifult heen Soufathrika. The khondeetanz . ummmmmmm . were weary dikkifult . er . because . you know . oh uh . they were not heezy!'
(Well, it's not the first time that batting under lights has been difficult in South Africa. The conditions were very difficult because, you know, they were not easy!)
Mandy:(with her 32 pearls glowing) Wow, Venky bowled us to an amazing victory over Pakistan in the last World Cup, you were fabulous!
Venky: (first behaves like a bride, blushing, then adjusts his collar and swells)'Mandrathainkingyou with . ummmmmmm . hoole pleasure'
(Mandira, thanking you with all pleasure)
And then, yet another XXXtra specimen, Krishnamachari Srikkanth. Passing lewd comments in the air is his obsession, and whether he speaks Hindi, English or a language of Mars is yet to be known.
'Arre, tum pheekar why karta yaar, take it from me, Saacheen will go dhanadhan and Shaiwug will go dhagadhag!'
'Gaingooly ko 14th man banao yaar.'
But then, if I go on and name others like Kapil Dev (How is the pitch is the look to you?), Navjot Sidhu (In 1998, I took Warne apart like a child tearing up the wraping paper from his birthday present! I made mincemeat of the mighty Aussies and ate them with Tomato sauce. I was on rampage, just like an Indian elephant I trampled them like the elephant tramples the paddy fields.), Maninder Singh, Mohinder Amarnath et al, this would be a total Indian list. So, let's scan the other countries.
Close to home, is a four-feet Ranjit Fernando, who thinks that even a Sri Lankan No.11 batsman can easily smash Marshall, Roberts, Holding and Garner for 36 in an over. That is how biased our friend is. I always used to wonder why I hate the Sri Lankan team the most. Most Indians cheer for Sri Lanka, when they are playing Pakistan, but not me. I even like Bangladesh and Kenya more than them! The reason? The presence of Ranjit Fernando in almost every Sri Lankan match who, with his voice which sounds like a jukebox gone wrong, always keeps reciting gibberish - 'Aaaaraaveenduh DeeSeelva, oh, Sunutha Jayasoooryuh is the baist batsman in the world!' But the killer has to be 'Oh, Romesh Kaloooowithrunna is one of the best players one-day cricket has seen(!), what a fine player he is, and Srinath comes in again, and Srinath has got lucky that he has bowled Kaloooowithrunna!'
If you have noted, all the four choices(and the other nominees) named so far, all have been Asians. No, I won't spare the others just because they know English. What's there in knowing English? Even Amitabh Bachchan knows English .
(Lo kar lo baat. Arre babuji, aisi English aave that I can leave English behind. You see sir, I can walk English, I can talk English, I can laugh English because English is a very phunny language.)
Non-Asians whose commentary I dislike include Ian Bishop(biased, with surprisingly less knowledge about the game) and David Llyod(the eternal pessimist about England's chances with a constant line -'England need a wikeet.'). But, above them, I would choose a commentator who is liked and respected by many - Ian Chappell.
Shocked? Don't be. In spite of being a great batsman and captain for so many years, Ian's comments sound surprisingly monotonous and boring. And no, I do not hate him for that. He sounds too racist.
CONTINUED IN THE COMMENTS SECTION!
