THE DRACULA CRISIS!. Review on Five Worst Bollywood Horror Movies

I have been intending to write on this delectable topic ever since I myself got it added under Mouthpad. However when situations, circumstances and such (yeah yeah, its always them!), prohibited me from writing such, I decided it was time to pen something. Chatting with my good hearted friend Lavanya only prompted more, and thoroughly inspired me to write on what has been my devious desire to pen on.

All right so where do we start in Bollywood? Indian audiences have always been subjugated to some excruciatingly done horror movies, who at best try to pass of as sex movies. I have been infinitely lucky (in spite of hating Horror Movies) to have watched, quite a mouthful. Almost immediately a pattern in Bollywood Horror movie is clear ? a selected band of idiots decide to party somewhere ? usually three couples (girl and boys) and then one or two extra to bring about the jealousy / lust/ terror angle to the plot - quite appropriately a haveli in the midst of Timbuktu happens to be the place where they either want to picnic / study / play ? conveniently all such haveli?s have a murderous past and a demonic saga associated with them ? and its always the gardener / chowkidaar who has survived to tell the tale.

Hence, while the demons wait to be enraged and awakened, the playmates of the haveli engage happily in mutual appreciation / exploration and lustful bathing; lovers explore nefarious areas of the mansion, and in process manage to awaken the demons who merely work for the viewer?s cause in ending their sorrow. Hence then, what movies are we talking about here? Below are five classics which I happened to see, and are my all time favorite worst horror movies!

The curse of Ichchadari Shaitan

Ichchadari Shaitan is a classic recipe for any Bollywood sleaze cum horror movie. The settings are appropriate ? 30 students on pretext of research manage themselves in a haveli after escaping a rather wildish bunch of tribesmen. While men ooze on women bathing in pretext of research, the women themselves are lustily bathing under a waterfall (specially erected for them for a song), women pout their lips over their lipsticks, erotically inviting their male brethren to give-it-to-them. However all is not well in such a conglomerate, and one such freak wanderings into forest by a lady only results in her getting raped by the shaitan!; and then the shaitan having tasted blood begins to ask more! Some bizarre special effects involving a cigarette smoking becoming fire and following other to the forest to kill him can only make you guffaw at such incredulous scripting.

Next, of course a local tantrik is available and while he seems to be helping the researchers battle the raping demon, he is secretly worshipping an ichchadari shaitan (yeah yeah) who comes to life at each individual death. The idea of the tantrik is to cast his ichchadari shaitan on unsuspecting females, and create a team of zombies to take over mother earth (I ain?t kidding here). So do the intellectual males be able to fight out such a diabolical plan? is there any other stone which might crush this ichchadari shaitan? Does the Tantrik make the zombie army? I ain?t telling you this ? you have to simply experience this spectacle!

The Secret of Raaz

One of the more recent movies in horror genre, Raaz is one hell of watch for a ghosh-who-warns types. The ghost always makes a ghastly entry whenever it tries to do something scary. As a precaution, the ghost always put its pervert hands into the swaying knee length hair of the heroine. Lest that the heroine get scared and faint, it always warns her before arrival ? the sound of chimes, the cycle falling, the creaking of windows, the innumerable 5 year old tricks it has up its sleeves. However all is not lost for us mortals, for there exists an advanced form of Tantrik who passes off as researcher in paranormal sciences, and his methods to find ghost spots are better than today?s GPS systems. In a magical sweep, he produces a yellow lemon tied to string and wanders with it around in the forest, much like our own Cuthbert Calculus of Tintin fame. When the X-Spot is reached, voila, the yellow lemon transmogrifies into stunning Red! Some horrendously done scenes later, and aurat ki shakthi scenes later all is well and sundry. An immensely forgettable fare if not for the utterly sexy ghost in her past life.

The Whore-ing winds

Hawa could very well have been titled Shaitani Hawas, Dracula ki Chahat, Chudaili Havayen, Katharnak Qatil or something equally frustrating. Instead, the director chose to name this movie Hawas, but since the movie title has already been booked for a steamy affair, he settled for Hawa; after all the main protagonist is wind only.

This one too has it all, a spooky villa complete with foggy forests, howling hyenas, creaking windows, faltering doors and the complete necessary set for such a movie. Enter the heroine who apparently looks tired and misfit, and who when tries to fill in the dryness of life, receives a shock. The wind simply rapes her. The scenes are comical ? Its hard enough to think of wind raping someone, its harder to show it; so we have Tabu, splitting her legs in wild synchrony, while her hands almost stretched out apocalyptically indicating certain doom. As if the director weren?t convinced, the act of rape happens with repetitively, till the wind declares ? ?oh well, you see I was just a ghost gone crazy!? The final spectacle is simply a sight to watch out for ? a angelic demon or maybe the other way round, blesses the children and mom together.

The Dracula Crisis!

This one takes the cake. The very name Khooni Dracula had me in fits of laughter. This is a movie of draculian proportions ? a lusty fatso rapes his maid in a haveli and kills her. Blood flows from her body to the dungeon, where you guessed it ? a Dracula lay awaiting to be rejuvenated back to life. The drops of blood bring the Dracula to life and he becomes the slave of the fatso (since he was rekindled by him), and presto ? your recipe is ready for some Dracula-Drama.

The fatso commands the Dracula to rape and kill, giving immense scopes for ladies bathing in clothes, pouting lips, bathing dips, songs, rape and murder. As if this were not enough, there are sub stories to keep you going ? a brother / sis drama, a super cop on Dracula?s trail, who relies on his girlfriend?s PHD thesis in draculanomyics. The Dracula himself could give the killers of sssssssssssh and scream a run for their money ? a dilapidated piece of rubber with a black overhaul makes for some amazing fashion statement. All in all, this is one classic no one should ever miss!!!

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