Huzoor hamesha hi na itra ke chaliye
Acting naam ki koi cheez hai
Uspe bhi dhyan dijiye”
Bollywood has these damsels in perennial distress in abundance, so we have plenty to choose from. But let’s look at some of them who made it big, made a splash and tittered all the way to the bank.
The cast of characters in the following are as follows:
TH – The Hubby
YT – Yours Truly
YT – I am writing a review on the 5 worst actresses in Hindi Cinema.
TH – Who else is there besides Urmila?
(I never fail to criticise Urmila since I caught TH watching a TV program on her songs for half an hour (!) )
YT – Urmila’s not there.
TH – Why?
YT – Sharmila’s there.
TH – Why?
YT – She is there
TH – (like this should make me reconsider)She married Pataudi.
YT – Yeah Right. Anyway here’s what I have written about her.
The affected Sharmila tagore : yes, if another review I came across is any indication, you loooove her. Coy, coy, coy.. there is something about genuinely stupid females that makes you resigned to their affectations and thus they come across as rather pleasant creatures. Sharmila clearly does not belong to that breed. She had brains alright – but they seem to have been expended in a very icky manner.
Yeah the coiffure was laughable and the birds seem to have nested well inside her brains, when she went about her roles in her chidiya ka ghonsla. Think Sharmila and you get the image of a thin-yet-squat face with large, heavily (and I mean heavily) made up eyes that flutter in a caricature of innocence ; an ultra mobile mouth that is squirming in all directions, apparently to suppress a smile. She had this habit of biting her lips suggestively while dimpling coyly or rolling her tongue while talking – these sasta tactics however seem to have earned her a throbbing fan following.
And what did she want to do with her hands? At all times, she was wringing them like it was all their fault that she was embarrassed/pleased/angry/depressed/worried/everythingelse-in-between. Master of the come-hither looks that wavered precariously between comic and vulgar, she queened it for quite some time.
TH – (looking rather dazed) Never thought of it that way.
(looking at some bills) So, who else is there?
YT – Remember Vyjayantimala …..but of course you are not listening to me?
TH – (still looking at the bills) Hmm Hmmm True True
Silence
TH – (looking up with a jerk) No, No, I am listening. Vyjayantimala na ? She married Dilip Kumar.
YT – No silly, that was Saira Banu – and what’s with this who married who?
TH – Anyway she must be older than Troy.
YT – and she looked like a war ship too – at least her derriere did. And then she’d come tripping down the hills in those tight churidars as if she was such a delicate darling.
She looked positively mad with those over-bright, over-large eyes of hers.
And the smile – Ugh – there couldn’t be a phonier smile. I remember a scene from Sangam where she is at a party. She just keeps bumping into people and saying “sorry” in a breathless manner. She is supposed to look very feminine and attractively helpless. She simply looked cracked.
TH – Hmm. Bad Yaar. Who’s third?
YT – Mala Sinha.
TH – Would anyone remember her?
YT – Precisely. But shockingly, she was BIG in her time. When you see her on TV now you think – a FLY would have more screen presence.
Miss Inane – that would be Mala Sinha. Remember that rondu heroine, Meena Kumari? She suffered from terminal weepiness ; and yet, you’d be compelled to watch her everytime she gave one of those h-a-l-t-i-n-g speeches of abject misery. When Mala Sinha cries you want to hit her on the head and see if she squeals. She spent some reels being Japanese and wearing kimonos – howlarious woman.
TH – (chuckling) But really, why is Urmila not there? I thought nothing was worse than her particular brand of giddy-headedness.
YT – Yeah, but then she does some cool films and you think…..anyway, there’s your one-time favourite – Amisha Patel.
TH – (Hotly) She was never my favourite.
YT – Ha Ha. Sure she was. I remember you saying she was great in Gadar.
TH – She did get an award, you know.
YT – Yeah, from the same people who produced the movie. And kya great, with those gaudy silk lungis, rolling in the hay with Sunny Paaji.
She is one of the most unconvincing actresses - seems clueless about details like emoting. With that affected manner of speaking she just comes across as a silly twit. Even Neelam had that goody-goody thing down pat – but she was still likeable – her “innocence” worked.
This dame – she looked convincing at exactly one point in her career – when she gives that scheming, hard look in Humraaz. She should ask Vikram Bhatt to cast her as a hard-as-nails socialite in one of those obscure movies he makes. It just might work for both of them.
TH – O.K. O.K. Anyone I know AND hate?
YT – Aishwarya Rai?
TH – Yes! Oh Yes!! Thank you, Thank you.
(Frankly I just don’t get it – why do so many GUYs destest her? )
YT – Well…..if you dislike her so much, I just might begin to see her in a different light. Kidding. Just kidding. Aishwarya, with all her looks and obvious intelligence seems to be blundering through her career at breakneck speed. First she was criticised for being unprofessional, now she is said to be cold and heartless. However all that is beside the point.
Fact is she is a remarkably inconsistent actress. She did a fairly good job in Taal and then in HDDCS. But after that she seems to have completely lost it. It seems these movies were flukes – the result of the directors’ persistence. Annoyingly perfect at all times, her every move seems rehearsed. She badly needs some of the earthiness that Rani Mukherjee doles out so effortlessly.
TH – Hmm So who is your favourite?
YT – No one – it is easier to find flaws. But I guess Sridevi was the only heroine I really enjoyed watching.
TH – What? Thunder Thighs? That squeaky Idli-face?
YT – So? She is one of the most uninhibited actresses – and she has the most perfect comic timing. She is by far the best comedienne Bollywood has produced. Juhi Chawla comes a distant second and there is no one else who could make you laugh.
TH – (Laughing - NOW he is amused) Whatever you say.
