Do you want to shed those extra kgs? Do you want to transform from Inzamam to Agarkar? All the Shoma Anands of this world, would you rather look like Ally McBeal? Here's your chance!
We at Talwalkar's Gymnasium (Do Tal Wal) have special techniques to reduce your weight. We will not ask you to curb your weight. Nor will we ask you to travel to the moon to reduce your weight (gravity, you know!). Just join Talwalkar's and burn your calories by using our dumbbells, er, dumb belles:
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Our premiere belle is our most coveted one because she was crowned Miss World in 1994. In 1994, Aishwarya Rai was crowned Miss World, while today, a decade later, even if she is drowned, nobody will mind. Even Vivek won't mind because he has already lost his mind.
Her major milestones including a film called Jeans. We were delighted that she refused the films which were titled 'Shirt', 'Trousers', 'Lungi', 'Undergarments' and so on. Jeans symbol the youth and Aishwarya made us proud by signing the film.
Then again, she is the first official bhootni of Bollywood, even before Manjeet. Moreover, she is the first ever bhootni who possesses a music teacher and forces him to forget his music lessons and instead only concentrate on draping his sweaters around his back. Watch out as our beloved bhootni dances, plays Holi, sings, assists the teacher to a temple and delivers birthday cakes. The only thing she failed to do was act.
We were ashamed of her in Josh, though. She managed to act and hence, ceased to be dumb. But post-Josh, we saw her falling down and pretending to laugh while watching her own film Devdas, which was supposed to be a tragedy ...
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And then, we have her beloved Patelscope who does not have any scope. Amisha Patel has recently been listed in The Guinness Book Of Awards for maintaining the same expression in the most number of scenes - whether she wants to express love, lust, jealousy, contempt, hatred, our Miss Patel just twists her beautiful visage and pouts as if she is asking someone to apply lipstick onto her lips.
Oh, we forgot her voice. Ever heard Britney Spears' song which goes like 'I'm a slaaaaaveeeeeee ... for yhoooo ... hhhhhh hhhhhh hhhhh hhhhh'. Miss Patel uses the same orgasmic pants which was best exemplified in Aap Mujhe Achche Lagne Lage, wherein she shakes her bosom (which is incidently huge enough to qualify as a site for mountain climbers) and squeals ''Rooooo hhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhh hitttttt!''
We love her attitude, as well. She believes that she is God's gift to Bollywood and compares herself to legends. We beg to differ. She is not as good as the legends of Indian cinema. She is better. Better at orgasmic pants, better at smiling when she is supposed to be sad and better at looking as if she has a problem of motion when she is supposed to display emotion.
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The only con of our gymnasium is that we are extremely confused. Is a 1.5 kg dumbbell heavier than a 2.5 kg one? That's the question which Kim Sharma set out to solve in the flick in which Trash Warya Rai squeals with the music teacher.
Her body may have developed according to her age but her voice is still at the foetal stage. Her piece de resistance was when she used her hands when she realised that good girls don't wear less clothes. The next scene, she asks a guy who is even more feminine than her to hug her and the poor chap tries to be straight and hugs her. He also sermonizes that although she is a bhartiya nari, she should sing the song 'Nari nare' and start wearing clothes. Next scene, her hemline goes one centimetre higher. The film, did you ask? Our teacher-bhootni flick!
Also, watch out for the film wherein she turns into an obsessive lover. She does not stutter like SRK, but squeals instead for a guy, who does not look like one. Since the guy realises that he is more feminine than Kim, he hides his face by his elbow and revolves in a circle to a tuneless song, with our beloved Kim jumping as if India has won the Soccer World Cup.
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Our penultimate dumb belle saw the bhootni-teacher flick and was so influenced by the teacher that she went to him for violin lessons. Our teacher stuttered, ''Heyheyhey, K-k-k-k-k-Kalina, er, S-s-s-s-s-s-Salina, I will help you to swim in the world of music!''
Consequently, Celina Jaitley swam in the world of music by playing, er, holding a violin in a bikini, in the sea. She gave the excuse that she travelled into the sea unknowingly. She was supposed to be partially blind, you know!
Needless to say, a billion Indians had prayed when she entered the sea that she drowns.
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But then, we do believe in experience. Our final dumb belle is up there in heaven and was supposedly murdered. We believe that the murderer was someone who had the misfortune of seeing her films.
Priya Rajvansh loved music. She was so deeply involved in the world of music that she used to jump two octaves between any two words which she uttered!
Her face is touted to be India's next representative at Madame Tussad's Wax Museum.
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We regret that we couldn't include Tusshaar Kapoor and Dino Morea in this list. Please bear with us.
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