Beware!. Review on Five Worst Actors of Bollywood Movies

Dear Mr/Mrs. Bollywood, (whoever that is.)

I am Kita Karn speaking from Dosawala House. We are a sponsored company who specialise in the stupid, the mad, the dangerous and people who can't act. Recently, 5 of our most guarded ''criminals'' have disappeared. While watching a few movies on TV, I noticed most, if not, all of them in your Industry.

Firstly, I came across Himanshu Mallik. After first seeing him act in Tum Bin, I re-checked that he was definitely our criminal by watching Khwahish. BIG MISTAKE!!! I found out that he was definitely our criminal, but I will be haunted by his acting of Amar Ranawat for the rest of my life! Dull facial expressions and just not enough emotion in the emotional scenes, how could he escape our grasp?? We are extremely sorry that he managed to get out, and cause many viewers very bad dreams! Sorry everyone!

Another of our criminals that has escaped has had too long a time on the screen. He has produced many (ahem) ''beautiful and...erm...sensitive love storiessuch as Jeena Sirff Mere Liye, Mujhe Kuch Kehna Hai and the ''ever so thrilling'' Kuchh To Hai. It was really hard to decide which one is his worst. In the end I decided it had to be Mujhe Kucch Kehna Hai.

This was his first attempt in this Industry and I was shocked that he kept getting more offers as he keeps on reminding me of a MONKEY. Then it struck me....ahh, yeh to Jituji ka beta hai, na? When he does put expression in his acting, it's too much and we jump behind of sofas and scream; NO STOP IT, PLEASE!!! I have not seen Gayab, so I cannot refer to his acting in that.

We are in hysterics when he cries, and we cry in agony when he laughs. Don't worry, we will cart him off soon and save bollywood audiences a lot of misery.

Another one of our suspects, who is confirmed to be true, is Sohail Khan. After watching Maine Dil Tujhko Diya, I was in hysterics;; ARE YEH LALU ACTOR KAISE BAN GAYA RE??? Let alone act, all he can do is flex his muscles and beat up or break the first thing in sight. Rather reminds me of his brother. In MDTD, he plays Ajay, a boy who fights for his love. Should we cry, go AWWW or should we laugh? I am afraid you are going to have to remove him from the film industry yourself as he might beat one of us up with those muscles!

We are not taking any risks!

Another one we will take away soon is Dino Morrea. An absolutely expressionless guy who talks in a flat tone throughout all of his movies, and moves around our cinema screen with a dumbfound expression on his face as if he's wearing a sign saying; I'M STUPID, KICK ME! God knows, he probably was. He acts like he knows nothing, and makes emotional scenes so dull. A certain scene I remember is in Raaz when he is asking forgiveness from Bipasha Basu. If you watch that scene, you will see he really doesn?t seem to put any expression in what he?s saying, whereas Bipasha Basu has tears streaming down her faces and puts in loads of expression. That scene is such a funny combination!

There is another one of our suspects, who we will not take into care because he is talented. This fortunate fellow is called Sonu Nigam. He is such a brilliant singer, yet I still don?t understand why he joined the Bollywood Industry. What, was he trying to be Kishore Kumar or something?? One of his most feeble example of acting was in Kaash Aap Hamare Hote a guy who can?t tell his love that he loves her because she is married. Ahem?have we heard this story before?? Sonu Nigam is either too tense in scenes, or too loose. He is a very confusing actor, but a very talented singer, which is why we are not taking him with us. We are just hoping that he will use his common sense and get out of acting!

Ok, we will remove three of our criminals as soon as possible. You can remove Sohail Khan at your own expense (WARNING: He loves to break glass objects and to stand on cars!)