Five Jokes, One Ending. Review on Five Worst Actors of Bollywood Movies

Today I make an appearance after a brief hiatus and I am glad I have found an excuse to do so. So where was I? …Wagon loaded with office work followed by a rare variety of illness; hence the procrastination (I suffer a mild form of this disease too). But here I am, a little delayed but surely there.

To start with, let me affirm, all jokes and jokers in this review are a delicious work of diction and resemblance to any bollywood human, living, dead or half-way-thorough is purely intentional and afflatitiuosly experimental.

Bed-ridden as I was, my thoughts embarked upon a voyage into memory lane to hunt for the five jokes…oops sorry! …jokers, who have ridiculed the Indian celluloid during their stay. My thoughts stopped at the discovery of five schlimazels with similar destinies. My attempt is not prophesying anybody’s fate and I promise to be at my euphemistic best through this reproduction of the journey of my thoughts. Fine then, here I summon the best jokes (with a common ending) for the delightful consumption of MSites.

The Big Bro Joke –

If I had a brother who could produce a movie for me, should I consider the option of becoming an actor? I wouldn’t but Kishen Kumar did. The fact that this guy never possessed even a gram of talent was as naked as the tip of the… pencil that you and I usually use to write. I was startled when I saw the promos of Aaja Meri Jaan eons ago. I couldn’t get over the fact that somebody could possibly launch a hero with two thick moustaches (It was only on closer observation that I realized that the moustaches I looked at were his eyebrows). His humongously blubbery lips reminded me of half-baked octopus tentacles. I was never able to see his teeth, either in the promos or glimpses of his pictures. Probably one had to venture behind the jumbo lips to spot them. No talent, no looks he realized. In his next release he tried flaunting Rishi Kapooresque sweaters and Jeetendra branded dingo shoes. I also know that he used the upper half of his upper jaw and the connector on the rear side of his tongue as a grotesque combination while delivering dialogues. Result… Flop.

The Surname Joke –

All that a surname does in the Indian film industry today is that it lets the audiences know that you are somebody’s somebloody. And that somebody will leave no stone unturned to promote the somebloody. I am sure Uday Chopra spent 3-4 years building his body, only to better the likes of the Salmans. In Mohabattein you see him make an entry wearing a half jacket (or was it a wind cheater?) and overacting as if he was at liberty like the insane dog at the Lower Parel signal. Throughout the movie he ingurgitated dialogues instead of delivering them with finesse. Ditto in Mere Yaar Ki Shaadi Hai and Supari. Here is one actor who showcases his teeth as if they were the Kingfisher signage at a wine shop. He has this uncanny ability to eject the entire set of 32 at the drop of a hat. A complete let down.

All in the family Joke –

Didn’t Bobby Deol look like an Italian horse in Barsaat? Especially the hair do of his. And we all know that his acting prowess is as bad as his dad’s. When it comes to yelling at the top of his voice, this guy is equally comparable to his mouth shout brother. You often get to see other characters in his movies eating him as if they were feasting on raw beef. Gupt was a hit but Kajol stole the show hands down, Ajanabee didn’t do much for him, Humraaz did more to Akshaye than to him. He has tried playing the lover boy, the long-haired soldier and umpteen other characters but to no avail. He even tried a hand at being the second-in-command of the shouting brigade that includes him, his brother, his father and a passable Suneil Shetty. This too did not work out. Then he got married, reproduced, had a child and I hear that he’s been saying that he’s gonna work on sensible projects now on. All –Deol-Best Bobby!

The Re-re-re-re-re-Launch Joke –

Yes, that’s precisely the number of times Armaan Kohli must have relaunched his sagging career. And that is also the number of times it bombed (must have been a terrorist in his previous birth). I don’t even remember his debut film. Every time he got up from the wrong side of the bed, he pleaded with his father for a re-launch. I still do not understand whether his movies were meant for mass-destruction of the viewer’s senses or self-destruction of his father’s finances. The latter, I guess. Can somebody crack this one for me; I’ll buy you a drink? I also heard that he played an ancient snake that turns into a ghost in his latest re-launch. True, is it? I thought snakes and anything closely related was the exclusive preserve of Sridevi. His performances have always been devoid of any quality that one may think of. Now do I see someone telling me that he plans another comeback? ….Run!

The Pile-On Joke –

In the past, Rahul Roy has had this strong penchant for repeatedly piling on Mahesh Bhatt. He also nursed a strong misconception that Aashiqui was a hit because of him. I urge all of you to recap him on screen for a while… Do I see you guys laugh or was that a snort? That’s Rahul Roy for you. His screen presence always depicted complete effeteness and his acting abilities suffered repeated strokes of emptiness. The songs picturised on him reveal his tendency to gauchely drool on the heroine as if he was stuck by boredom and lethargy. Offscreen, he kept advocating his infamous lifestyle, which only fetched him a couple of interviews and nothing more. But that hardly matters. As an actor he was a complete misfit. If he can be a star, so can the similar-looking pharmacist I fetch my medicines from.

And Now…The Common Ending -

What do you do when you have five bad jokes with you? You just give them up, right? Im very sure that the audiences have given up on Kishen Kumar, Armaan Kohli and Rahul Roy and Bobby Deol and Uday Chopra will soon follow suite. All of them jumped into the bandwagon but forgot that to be a good actor one must have talent, an apt mind, power of observation, sensitiveness, artistic taste, good enunciation, expressive face n’ gestures, dexterity and self control. None of them had/have any of these and couldn’t/cannot avoid the destined common ending……. “Beaten at the box office, dumped by the audiences”!

© Milind Gadagkar 2003