I love tenses. Even my previous review on Ek Hasina Thi delved on the finer aspects of the past tense. My favourite tense though, is the Perfect Tense. It almost describes me. Why almost, did you ask? Because I am not perfect ... I am imperfect ... sigh!
P.S. 'Imperfect' reads as 'I m perfect' !
So let me continue with my obsession with tenses and present the five best reviewers of past and present. By this, I do not mean that the former ones aren't great anymore! I just divided my favourite writers into two categories - the ones who were acclaimed writers before I joined this site, and my contemporaries ...
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''And the Screen award for the best film goes to ...''
Nails were being bitten away to glory as the audience waited with bated breath. Karan Johar cootchi-cooed to the guy sitting to his left that he was going to win the award (No, the guy was not SRK!) and J.P.Dutta looked sullen. Ms. Johar got up expectantly, but the name which was called gave immense pleasure to five kids who jumped with joy. A beaming Rakesh Roshan collected the award and the other nominees were seething with jealousy.
''He is the first male I hate,'' exclaimed a distraught Karan Johar.
Other reactions were not as extreme as Ms. Johar hating a male, but you couldn't deny that they were jealous.
Which is why all directors of the Bollywood fraternity (except Roshan of course) decided to direct a movie. The name they conferred upon the movie was 'Best Reviewers On MouthShut'
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Before I tortured everyone by becoming a MS member.
Although most of the cult included nincompoops like David Dhawan and Sawan Kumar Aaj Tak (er ... is it Kal Tak then?), some of the directors were more inclined towards serious cinema. They believed that life should be looked upon from a serious point of view, added with the right dose of humor - and who better than Suyog for that job?
# 5. suyog - Masterful reviews on varied topics. He is magnificent while writing on serious topics and cheeky while bashing flicks which revolve around two guys hugging each other while a maidservant quivers with horror. I have disagreed with some of his recent reviews like his take on Steve Waugh, but that apart, I admire the depth in his writing.
Must Reads: Remembering 9/11, Paap Album.
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Meanwhile, Rajkumar Hirani spoke up, ''Boley to ... apun ko tera choice sahi laga, lekin how about Munnabhai MBBS?'' The other directors were stunned. ''Sanju Baba writes on MS?'' they asked. ''No,'' said Hirani. ''I am talking about the MS equivalent of Munnabhai MBBS - Karanbhai MBBS.''
# 4. karana23 - I have wondered what the 23 stands for and now I wonder why his name suddenly has an extra 'n'. Karanbhai, have you started worshipping Ekta Kapoor and Bansilal Jumani? Another thing I have always wondered is how anyone can cram the entire dictionary and more importantly, use the right words at the right places. Karan's reviews are rich in vocabulary and yet, interesting. Rich vocabulary is no great achievement, but to maintain interest in long reviews (which I personally fail to do) is. Again, he writes on varied topics, though I enjoy his film critiques and book reviews more.
Must Reads: Polo Sport, Harry Potter (all the HP reviews!)
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Then, Ram Gopal Verma spoke up. ''How about casting Urmila, Antara and Isha?'' The other directors would not have any of it and eventually, only Urmila was cast. Ramu suggested, ''Why not add a dose of horror and make the film spooky?''
# 3. spookay - 66, 41, 50, 55, 54 - No, I am not telling you anyone's phone number, those numbers are the number of comments Spookay's last five reviews have garnered. And no, he does not write reviews with vengeance or consider himself to be the biggest star ... so all those comments are not negative ones like certain publicity-hungry writers get. His reviews are witty and a joy to read. The Supreme Being ... you bet he is!
Must Reads: Harry Potter & The Order Of The Phoenix, Searching For A Job, Choosing A Doctor, Beauty Pageants.
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Next, the directors had to do bestow a name to the male lead. Sooraj Barbaad Kiya, with a parrot perched on his shoulder, spoke up - ''Why not name him Prem?''
# 2. premjit - Undoubtedly, the funniest writer on this site. Each of his reviews are replete with humor, humor and ... you guessed it, humor. A master at tearing apart films which are 'mindless, corroding nightmares', his book reviews are excellent reads as well. From books to films to sauces (!), each of his reviews are laden with the right dose of humor. More importantly, they are naturally witty, not trying to be funny and falling flat, like the works of a certain nikamma.
Must Reads: Rendezvous With Simi Garewal, MPKDH.
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The next thing they were deciding upon was music. They debated upon Anu Malik, but dropped the idea because school teachers are known to boycott films which have Malik's music. Why, did you ask? Kyunki woh copy karta hai ...
Then, they decided that they should consult someone who truly loves music. And for the sheer passion in his musical ramblings, they zeroed upon Maddy.
# 1. madlalya - And music is not the only thing he can write on. Varied subjects and honest reviews. His reviews are laced with a hint of wit, not too much, but they are direct dil se. Now, please don't imagine a certain hyperactive actor dancing on a train, by 'dil se', I mean, as Bryan Adams says, straight from the heart. I remember that the first review I read of his was his farewell review! I slowly worked my way backwards, and hope that he comes back, some day, to write on MS.
Must Reads: Writing Review On MS, Best Songs Of R D Burman.
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My Contemporaries
''Let's make something grand,'' suggested one of the directors. ''Like Lord Of The Rings. We can also include a character called Luthien Tinuviel.''
# 5. tinuviel - Incredible sarcasm and wit. She hasn't written a review since a long time, but each of her 24 critiques are funny, honest and innovative. The way she bashes all the stuck-up glamour dolls of the world is hilarious.
Must Reads: Britney, Worst Bollywood Actresses.
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The directors had always received complaints that their films are inconsistent - a culmination of good and bad. The films do not have a proper flow - they start off well, and end up horribly. So, they decided to consult someone whose reviews have a great flow in them.
# 4. Deepshikha - Incredible language and style. Her reviews have a wonderful flow about them and are rich in language and style alike.
Must Reads: Calcutta, Howrah Mail.
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