***NATURAL BORN KISSERS*** . Review on Emraan Hashmi

Keywords:

Philematology – The science of kissing

Emraan Hashmi – Professor of Philematology at the University of Kissachusetts

Bimbettes – A class of exceptionally talented babes who are in the course of evolving into Brilliant Bimbos, an exciting process which involves shedding of multiple outer coverings(clothes) except perhaps those which are closest to the skin of certain forbidden areas.

After much massaging of pure Engine brand mustard oil on the scalp, and after absent mindedly pulling off a few precious strands of hair, the Prof. has finally reached the incontrovertible conclusion that few people on this earth are endowed with such auspicious charms as is the uncrowned Prince charming of Bollywood – the one and only Emraan Haashmi. It has not failed Prof. Shakarotti’s keen observation that this ‘mother of all dudes’ has been spraying smooches with gay abandon, enthralling his heroines and audiences alike with his deadly drool. Ever since he flapped his wings merrily in unison with a maddeningly sexy Mallika(not the Prof’s sole observation…this has rich inputs from some highly trustworthy sources as well) in Murder, Emraan Hashmi has been on a roll, rolling his eyes and his tongue inside and at a number of skin-specialist heroines until…

….until the Empire struck back. A nondescript horror of Hollywood, well past his prime, by the name of Rich Hard Gere whisked off our charming princess Shilpa(of Brotherly fame) right under our noses and plundered her pouting possessions in full public view. As Shilpa bent backwards to accommodate Gere’s libidinous lunge, the nation groaned in collective backache. Ouch! First the World Cup loss…then this! Shakarotti could not but break into poetry……(which he heard on some FM channel and which he is itching to share with you now)

Arz kiya hai….gour farmaiye…

Ke hum haarey apni galti se….

*Auron me kya dum thaa….

*Aur Shilpa tujhe kisi Gair ne kaise chooma…

*Apna Haashmi kya kum tha

(Notice how Haashmi kya kum tha… kum tha….kum tha….kum tha…. echoes in your poignant-by-now heart and squeezes your guts remorselessly!)

The nation commiserated with a crestfallen Hashmi. His loss was the nation’s loss. So disconsolate was he that according to reliable rumours, he had stopped doing anything at all with his lips, not even allow any bimbette to tinker with them, considering them as useless appendages that had lost their divine purpose.

For someone with an enviable score of having kissed at least a dozen contemporary heroines, this was a terrible nightmare. Shakarotti(who incidentally has failed until now to watch a single Emraan Hashmi movie for the full duration) did some research on the net to arrive at a list of the many actresses kissed by Emraan. ‘The Lustrous List’ includes such devastating divas as Mallika Sherawat (Murder),Dia Mirza (Tumsa Nahin Dekha),Udita Goswami(Zeher, Aksar), Tanushree Dutta(Aashiq Banaya Aapne, Chocolate), Kangana Ranaut (Gangster), andCelina Jaitley(Jawani Diwani). By the way, all of them dress very very economically. And more importantly, all are endowed such lavishly with the three Bs(Booty, Beauty and Brazenness), that a mere glimpse sends the nation’s heart fluttering like an old and erratic ghanta-ghar(clock tower). Now, as Shakarotti is aware that the list of heroines is hopelessly incomplete, he urges the readers to update it so that ‘The List’ could be preserved for enlightening the posterity(carelessly translated, it might mean throwing light on the posterior, an undoubtedly offensive act). The potential candidates who could find their names in the list include Nisha Kothari, Geeta Basra and Hrishita Bhatt –B3 bimbettes with real attitude.

Shakarotti’s next area of research concentrated on the secrets behind Emraan’s awesome boyish charm. His suave looks reinforce the fact that man has indeed descended from a swarm of simpering apes. His kiss engine is reputed to burn an astounding 260 calories per minute, which is 10 times the average value for mere mortals like us. And we thought he goes to the gym! He has avoided growing a moustache as he is aware that it's illegal in Indiana for a moustached man to “habitually kiss human beings”. It’s another matter that he read India for Indiana. And though the Professor finds Emraan’s abhorrence of moustache a miserable indignity perpetrated upon males as a whole, it’s the compliance that is commendable. Also, he rarely falls ill or meets with accidents because of the simple fact that he is a prolific kisser, and hence a beneficiary of all the good effects of this quixotic act.  To quote SHAKAROTTI’S ORIGINAL RESEARCH – According to German scientists, those who kiss their spouses each morning before leaving for work miss less work because of illness than those who do not. Those who kiss also drive less erratically, have fewer auto accidents on the way to work, earn 20-30 percent more per month and live approximately five years longer.

Shakarotti’s third area of research dealt with the records which Emraan should hope to smash in the days and years to come. With a charisma matching that of the legendary Imraan Khan(who used to swing his balls with chilling effect*) our man Hashmi should have at least one eye on the following:

Longest kiss - 29 hours. Peanuts for this Kissing King provided he gets the right bimbo / bimbette with whom he can stick around and vibrate that long. Or is it vibe? Who cares.

Longest underwater kiss - 2 minutes and 18 seconds. Sure Haashmi needs some practice in holding his breath first. A session with Rakhi Sawant is likely to do him a world of good. Rakhi, the Professor finds, can make men hold really anything, least of all their breaths.

Most kisses in a single movie - 127 in the movie "Don Juan"(1927). Mary Astor and Estelle Taylor got all of those kisses from John Barrymore. All we need is a fiercely enterprising producer.

Longest movie kiss - 3 minutes and 5 seconds between Jane Wyman and Regis Tommey in "You're in the Army Now"(1941). What ho. Sheer nonsense. Our man can do it really long and hard. Just give the ol’ boy a fair chance!

Shakarotti, finally, made this startling discovery that kissing originated in our own backyard. First references to kissing have been recorded in our very own Vedic scriptures(1500 BC). By God. Our ancestors were hip! As TOI reports – “Forget the simple zero, it seems the sizzling smooch is actually Hindustan’s greatest contribution to the world!” So what Emraan Haashmi is doing is nothing but an immense effort to celebrate our illustrious past. Shakarotti, therefore, urges Haashmi to forget Shilpa Shetty’s indiscretion and wishes him a great smooching future.

Devoted to unadulterated nonsense forever

~Shakarotti~

• The comment on Imran Khan has been inspired from Paresh Rawal's comment in Chini Kum