Ek Ajab Chhabi aka Goldilocks and the Three Bears. Review on Ek Ajnabee

This is the story of Papa Bear, Mama Bear, Goldilocks and Surya Bear. There is also a hulk called Rampal Bear, but since he bares his arms and chest most through the movie we will call him Rampal Bare. There is also a Just-There-Bear who appears at the end as the new bodyguard, but more of him later.

One day, Goldilocks, a poor little rich girl decides to go for a walk in the Bangkok jungle – you know, the one that creeps and crawls with all kinds of nasty creatures. And who should she see there but Surya Bear! “Hallo Surya” she says. “You must call me Surya Bear, otherwise I will be offended. Or, you could call me Surya B, but make sure the B is big. Capital.”

“Capital” squeals Goldilocks. “Will you be my bodyguard? You are so furry - like my $ 1,000 dhurrie” “Why not?” says Surya Bear.

At home, Surya Bear finds three glasses of whisky. “Ah!” he says “this one is warm!” when he tastes the first one. “Cold” he says, as he sips the second. “Room temperature” after a sip of the third. “So the three should average out very nicely and I think I will have them all!” And he guzzles them all neat. “Mr. Surya Bear!” cries a distraught, taut and hot Mama Bear. “What are you doing? Remember, you are a bodyguard, not our friend. Is this all the manners they taught you in the army?” But then she notices that Surya’s eyes mist over. For you see, Surya Bear had been a very, very bad man while in the army. So she changes the topic. “I hope you will make yourself comfortable” and walks away, with that swish-swish that is peculiar to Bangkok women ever since Mallika Bare set her foot there in “Murder”.

“Thank you for joining us, Surya” says Papa Bear. “Please don’t mind my wife, she can be a little free at times. You see, she was raised on a chicken farm.” “Not at all” says Surya, wondering what “free” means. “Will you teach me how to swim” asks Goldilocks. “Why not?” says Surya. “I have been an expert swimmer since ABCL sank and I had come up to rescue myself.”

Now while all this is happening, a gang of bears in the Bangkok jungle are plotting to kidnap little children. Involved in the gang are a senior police official Chang, a greasy lawyer named Ling and a kingpin named Wong (that, I think, completes the list. OK, there is no one named “Tang” but there are plenty of those in those sleazy nightclub shows where Rampal Bare spends his evenings. And of course, there is also a “Song” – three in fact. Don’t tell me we didn’t give you the full Thighland tour.)

So the Bear Gang gets to work and with some help from a gubbara wala, spirits away Goldilocks. When their ransom demands are not met, they kill little Goldie. Surya Bear gets six bullets in the process, but as we all know from the newspapers, the man is made of sterner stuff and decides to ignore Rampal Bare’s advice and track the killers. This he does in clinical fashion. In his enthusiasm (or rather, the director’s) Papa Bear realizes that he is actually Papi Bear and bumps himself. One bullet saved for Surya. There is also this tasteless scene in which one gang member has his rear blown off after a lo-ng scene. Kaun Karega Crore Potty? Come on, Apurva Lakhia, grow up.

Sorry, I digress from the fairy story. And a fairy story it is, even the so called climax at the end in which Rampal Bare is laid bare (no, no, not laid in that sense, save that for the new wave Yash Chopra movies)

Oops! I gave the climax away! But then the climax actually is Just-There Bear who appears as the new bodyguard in the end when Goldilocks (who wasn’t dead) has grown up to a hexagon-faced Lara Dutta. So I gave the next climax away. Wait, there is one more surprise. There is also the Original Bear Khalnayak who comes in the title track at the end. By which time, you are hastening towards the exit, that almost empty popcorn bag (which – oops – bears a resemblance to Mr. Lakhia’s head) in your hand. I wish I had stayed at home and read all my Tarzan comics instead. So would you. There is only so much one can bear …