Dog. Review on Dogs Today

?Protector of the Goods of Man?, ?Insightful and Benevolent Psychologist?, ?Scapegoat for all Domestic Mischief? and ?General Happiness Ambassador? are but a few of the roles we, as dogs play. Allow me to introduce myself, Jeeves Mukerjee. A seven-year-old canine whose bloodline boasts many a noble breed.

My enforced inability to procreate does not detract from my masculinity; indeed, even at my mature age I can modestly boast that I still catch the eye (or sniff the rear end) of many a fine female. My pack includes four humans; a dominant male and female, with their two offspring, both female. I have a sizeable backyard to explore and excavate, frequent walks and regular meals. In all, I am a contented pooch who has become wise in the ways of the world. There are a few simple ideas to establish and any canine can be as content as I am.

Life of Petty Crime

The title given to this segment is not one of my own reckoning, rather the creation of my young mistress whose mind has been corrupted with the more confused reasoning of her species. I am very indignant at being branded a ?criminal?, preferring the term ?advantageous opportunist?. If a human chooses to place a steak on a table that is at a very attainable height for a dog which is balancing on his hind legs, the dog is merely taking ?advantage ? of an ?opportunity? ? that is all.

The dustbin ? chief nemesis of all canines. I am at a loss understand how this inanimate structure is often favored over our noble species as contender for tasty dinner scraps. Furthermore, if an intelligent canine has the gumption to retract from the dustbin any discarded morsels (that can be hastily consumed or stored in shallow, unmarked graves in the backyard), the dog is yelled at and sent outside. However, try not to bear a grudge on your human for their irrational behavior. The concept of ?waste not want not?, is foreign to them.

Master of Hypnosis

As any semi intelligent human is aware of, in animal-human relations, the eyes speak volumes, but a tip to all you young pups out there. Sure, eyes can be used to show love, affection, expectation and hunger, but they also have an almost hypnotizing effect on humans. They believe themselves to be an intelligent race, however their brains are no match for our soulful eyes.

Some dogs use this hypnotizing effect to gain more walks, while others use it to escape those horrible baths; I choose to use it to get some extra tidbits between meals. Here?s how you do it. Pick a target eating a tasty morsel. Sit directly in front of them, frequently transferring your gaze from the food to the target. Make sure there is a soulful look in your eye and your ears and tail are down (it helps you look subdued!)

If this tactic fails, place you head on the human?s knee, allowing dribble to slobber on their pants, while gazing poignantly into the eyes of the human, with a look that conveys that you are but a hungry dog who has never had a decent meal in his life. This tactic is a sure winner. On the few occasions it fails, pointedly turn your back to the human and walk away, allowing your human time to ruminate over their crime.

Interpreter of Meaning

In order to live a successful canine existence, one must learn the curious shades of meaning attached to several human words. For instance, many dogs are unaware of the subtle differences in the assertion of the word ?NO?. Sometimes ?NO? means ?when hell freezes over?, whereas at other times it may mean ?no for now, but if you keep looking at me with those luminous brown eyes, I may suddenly cave in to your demands.?

Humans tend to find it amusing to make dogs obey certain commands, such as ?sit, ?drop? ?stay? etc. I usually humor my humans, I mean, if this petty game tickles their fancy, who am I to curb their fun? Naturally my benevolence about such matters wears thin after a while. I find a bout of selective deafness is a handy way to cease their constant nagging.

Relationship with Human Benefactors

Pups out there must become familiar with a range of pet names your humans may use to call you. Some of this names are simply ludicrous, for instance, my young mistress calls me ?Uggs?, which is short for ?Ugly? (clearly her take on what constitutes a handsome canine is somewhat befuddled). However, I am not offended by this distasteful pet name. It is uttered in love. Besides, I have a few ?pet names? I call her, but my dignity and desire to maintain a clean public image stops me from sharing them with you.

It is clear that human?s lack clarity in their thinking. Their limited intelligence in matters concerning cat chasing and bone burying is worrying. They fill their heads with foolish fears regarding their material possessions. It is we, noble canines, who must remind our humans of the simple pleasures derived from chest scratching and running with the wind blowing through your ears.

It must be remembered that humans are essentially feeble. They have an inferior sense of smell and hearing, also their night vision leaves a lot to be desired. It is our responsibility to guard and protect them, ensuring their weaknesses causes them no ill harm. Since the first dog taught the first human to love and care for them, the camaraderie has grown stronger and deeper. It is the responsibility of all dogs and humans alike, to ensure this bond continues.

I know - strictly speaking, i'm meant to review the mag, but I hope you like this...This is my first rev on the site and I like how peole can comment on your work...so please do - comment i mean!