On a Saturday afternoon, I finally found a friend to see a long desired movie. Unfortunately, it wasn’t running anywhere except at Deepmandir in Mulund. The theatre struck me so, that movie itself paled in comparison.
Deepmandir, a 950 seater cinema hall, is located on LBS Marg in Mulund, in a complex that houses two booze bars joints as well. Saaqi and Uma Palace. Reliable sources have told me that both are of the Chandni Bar/ Bewafa Bar variety. Some readers may have already rightly assumed what kind of theatre it would be. Follows a dialogue between my friend and myself
Me: Kalpesh eons ago, I had to undergo a month long quality audit assignment in a factory on LBS Marg in Mulund. My colleagues and I used to notice Deepmandir across the road, Judaai showing there. Remember abba dabba jabba? We were wondering whether to….
He: Prem, sorry for interrupting but please make yourself more useful and stand in the entry queue while I stand in the ticket queue.
Kalpesh was edgy, as he was about to be subjected to ‘Hero: The Love Story of a Spy’, at Deepmandir of all the places. My argument was that since I’d silently borne three Gujarati plays with him and his girlfriend Hetal, he was morally obliged to watch a movie of my choice. Anyway it was he who selected the venue. A question and answer session followed with me questioning and he answering
P: You mean we have to stand in queues twice?
K: Thrice! Once at the tickets, once at the iron grilled entry and once at the balcony level before the hall.
P: Why did you ask for seats under the fan? Isn't it air conditioned?
K: No.
P: But why do they say so on the facia?
K: They lie.
The facia read: DEEPMANDIR DOLBY AIR-CONDITION
P: No air conditioning at all?
K: Only for twenty minutes
P: After that?
K: The fans are switched on.
P: The fans run throughout the show I hope?
K: Possibly.
(My eyes then fell on some posters in an alien language.)
P: What are these?
K: The posters of movies like ‘Sheela Meri Jaan’, ‘Chinese Kamasutra’, ‘Pehli Aurat Pehla Mard’ Such movies are shown in the mornings here.
P: No not them. These (I pointed elsewhere)
K: Oh these. Nepalese movies.
P: Ha ha, who watches Nepalese movies?
K: Why Prem, wouldn’t you like to see them too? Please, let’s come for a few of these someday.
I chose to ignore the sarcasm stoically and changed the topic diametrically
P: The lore goes that all Dilip Kumar movies used to have such a super hit run in Deepmandir that the owner was seriously toying with the idea of renaming it Dilipmandir. Is it true?
K: I have no idea of what you are talking about.
As we entered the theatre.
Kalpesh, what’s this smell?
Urine.
No, besides that
Pigeon-droppings
No, there is a distinct third component to the smell.
That’s country liquor
They sell country liquor in here?
No, its coming from the breath and clothes of half the guys in here.
What are the red patterns that bespangle all these walls?
Regurgitated paan fluid sprayed on the walls after cow-like mastications.
And the greenish patterns?
Moss and associated fungal growth.
Why do these ushers stumble?
You would too in that advanced a state of intoxication.
Why are the seats so hard?
You should be thankful they have removed the foam, and stuffed in coir instead. The foam was full of insects that stung and springs that poked.
Why can’t I see the screen?
Because the seats don’t recline and because you have a very tall, turbaned gentleman in front of you.
Can we sit elsewhere, as it is the seats won’t fill to capacity?
After the interval, if you want to avoid arguing with the drunk ushers.
P: Why is the floor so sticky?
K: Kids. They drop ice creams and the floor is never swept. If not the kids, it has got to be some weirdo guys who got rather too engrossed while watching ‘Pehli Aurat Pehla Mard’ today morning.
The movie starts
P: Why is Zinta this wrinkled? Is she playing an oldie so early in her career?
K: That screen in front of you tore some years ago and was hurriedly stitched, hence the wrinkle effect. The cobwebs add to it. Look, now Sunny has the same wrinkles.
P: Has Sunny finally mellowed? He isn't shouting that much.
K: Because more than half the speakers aren't functioning.
P: What's all this noise?
K: The lower stalls are lustily cheering the Paki-bashing. They drown the next 6 lines in their whistles, claps and catcalls if they happen to like one. They have previously done the same when Mahima shooed away her in-laws in Lajja, or whenever Yana bent in Dum.
P: You know Kalpesh, I’m disappointed with the MS reviews on this movie, none of them told me that the movie has a barking dog that can’t be seen.
K: The dog is not in the movie. It is in this theatre.
You mean a live dog, in real life?
Yes, below there at the lower stalls
But why is it barking so much?
Because it can’t find the cat.
You mean there is a cat too?
Two of them, the owner bought them to catch the rats in the theatre.
During the interval at the snack bar
P: What is this being vended?
K: Pop corns
P: Sure? I mean, why are they so yellow?
K: That’s because these are haldi popcorns (turmeric popcorns), after you are done with them you will get haldi fingers and haldi face.
Can I eat something else?
Yes, oily samosas and soggy wafers.
I think I’ll go for the ice creams. Which ones are these?
Arjun Ice Creams.
You mean Amul Ice creams?
No, Arjun Ice Creams.
Bet they taste awful, did you ever try them?
(now agitated) Just because I see movies like these, you think I try anything?
Ok Kalpesh, calm down. I want to go pee.
No you don’t.
How can you say so? Its me who has to pee, not you.
No you must not.
I went to the loo and felt noxious gusts of malodorous, pungent ammoniacal airs rushing out as I opened the door. And realized Kalpesh was right, I didn’t want to pee
Back in the movie now during an item song
P: Kalpesh, I’m being blinded, why suddenly all these multi-hued lights traveling all over the edges of the screen as soon as Priyanka starts getting jiggy with it??
K: This is the legacy of Hum Aapke Hain Kaun. That movie came and went, but the lights stayed back, whenever there is a jhataaka number these are switched on for added effect.
Don’t they disturb?
Nonsense, can’t you hear the coins falling in the lower stalls, these lights have increased the coin outflow.
(SINCERE APOLOGIES: REVIEW CONTINUES IN THE COMMENTS SECTION...)
