It’s over, you’ve been dumped, and you never even saw it happening. You were too smart/too cool/too special/too good for it to happen to you, and yet here you are, alone, miserable, still awake at 5.00am, wondering where it went wrong.
Being 16 or a much married 30 something doesn’t make a difference. Heartbreak happens, and heartbreak hurts.
Spam-jammed inboxes, dropped hints about(ahem) what a little prick the ex was, raw shrimp slipped between the ex’s car seats, scrubbing out loos with toothbrushes, storming into the hairdressers and pouring dye over his/her head, cutting up clothes or putting in a cheap red tee with white dress shirts, may all be tempting ideas, but are simply quick fixes, and can get you labelled as seriously psychotic.
You need something more than the sweet taste of revenge to get over getting dumped.
Step 1 – Accept it is really over, and get your ex out of your life.
You will move on. It might take you a few weeks, or much more, depending on your relationship, but it will happen, I promise you- nothing lasts forever. Accepting a relationship is over, especially if it has been a long term one is very very hard, but it has to be done for healing to happen. This means no calling to talk it over and change his /her mind – begging never works, no calling just to hear his/ her voice on the answering machine, no lurking about in places where you might accidentally on purpose bump into him/ her, and no casually dropping your ex’s name into a conversation with your friends to fish for information.
Trash the pics on your phone. Take his/her number off your speed dial, and his/her name from your IM – feeling like a truck has run over your heart every time you see that face or that name on your screen is no fun. Box up reminders you can’t bear to trash, and put it away. What you need now is some time and some ex-free space to get over it.
You can’t be ‘friends’ now, maybe you can't ever, and this is definitely not the time to even try to go there.
Step 2 – Indulge in a spot of self pity.
Go ahead; indulge in a lot of it if it will help. Call friends(not the ex) to talk about it, listen to sad songs(MS has a great compilation in different languages – pick the one that makes you feel most miserable) cry a bit, write maudlin poetry, get drunk(make sure you have someone responsible to drive you home, or pick you up and put you to bed), and do whatever else will make you feel better. Just because you broke up doesn’t mean you have to get over it in 3 minutes or less.
One word of caution here – dating old flames in an attempt to make yourself feel loved and worthy rarely works.But no matter what, don’t send ‘take me back’ emails, or make drunken 2.00am calls to your ex, and don’t drag your puffy-eyed self over to his/her place to talk things through. He/she may have taken your love and trampled on it- there's no need to give up your dignity and self respect too.
Step 3 – Climb out of that pity pool.
You can’t wallow in self pity for ever. Nobody, not even that ex you are struggling to get over is as perfect as your heart says he/she is. Think of all those things about your ex that used to drive you nuts- how he could have been the inspiration behind'quick gun murugan', stingy tipping, vanity, not keeping promises – anything will do.
Stop torturing yourself with what-ifs. Pamper yourself, call family, search out your friends who are fun to be with, and discover new hangouts. Slam a ball about a court, throw out that tissue box and give away that CD of sad songs – it has served its purpose, and take some time to work with those less fortunate than you are- that's the best get over it medicine.
Remember you are now free to find somebody new, and that there are plenty of people in your life who will be around long after this love, and many others have come and gone.
Step 4 – Get revenge
The good kind of revenge is the positive stuff you do for yourself, and the bad, obviously, is the wicked things(ref paragraph 3) you do to destroy your ex’s peace of mind.
Revenge of the second kind makes for a good story, but can get you in more trouble than you bargain for, and worse, make you end up looking like a pathetic loser who couldn’t move on. However, plotting and enacting wicked revenge scenes in your head is therapeutic, as long as you don’t try to act them out for real, of course.
What is better though is doing something positive for yourself. It takes time, effort, many tubs of ice cream, and energy you might not seem to have, and this is where the solid support of friends and family comes in.
You had a life pre-ex, and it’s time to re-claim it. Living well is definitely the best revenge.
*So put those voodoo dolls and pins away, get up and get on with your life – your ex has, and there’s nothing worse that being left behind holding on to a dream that no longer is. You are worth so much more.
ps. sometimes a sense of having failed haunts you when a relationship ends - after all you have given so much of yourself to making it work, and a breakdown can be seen as a personal rejection or a shortcoming in your own self. look on the positive side - even the worst breakup has lessons to teach. maybe you came out of it having learnt to handle yourself better, maybe you managed to retain a friendship inspite of romance dying away.a breakup is rarely ever is a total loss.you simply have to look hard enough.
