It’s 2.30am now, and I’m on holiday in some exotic location. My husband has grumbled several times about the light being on, and about my being awake and on the computer at an hour when any sane person would be in bed, but I can’t sleep - I feel too sick to sleep!
Today I brought back to the hotel some goodies from Bodyshop; the bag says in big bold letters –
‘Help Stop Violence in the Home, ’ Below that attention grabber are guidelines on how a person can help stop domestic violence.
Reading them, I am reminded of the times I have been both victim and perpetrator of physical abuse, of people I love, of the women I know(not just the maids married to drunks that we associate domestic violence with) trapped in abusive relationships, and feel nauseous at the thought of how much pain there is behind the ‘all is well’ façade we see and don’t care to look beyond.
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The evening before my marriage, some cousins and I were giggling together as we were getting into our finery, when I saw a large ugly bruise on a favourite cousin’s hip. She quickly covered it and said she had hit herself on the edge of a door; I later found out that her husband had thrown a suitcase at her. It was not the first time he had hit her, and it was not the last.
The husband says he loves his wife, yet he hits her, and if you asked him, I’m sure he would have a perfectly good reason why he does it. The wife remains quiet; there are a dozen reasons why she won’t do anything about the abuse. She hopes and prays it won’t happen again and if it does, that she can find the strength to cope.
The mother says she loves her child, yet she hits him, and she always has a perfectly good reason why she does it too. The child remains quiet, and when the pain has faded hugs his mother closer to him, hoping and praying she won’t hit him again.
When I was a child, my parents hit me when they thought ‘I deserved it.’ The same thing happened to my friends and cousins too; it was'normal.' This punishment never taught me the values I’m sure it was meant to teach; in its place, somewhere in my mind the idea took root that it was ok to use violence to deal with problems.
When my children were growing up, I hit them when I thought ‘they deserved it’ too till one day I looked at my child crying and asked myself what in god’s name I was doing. This was my son, I loved him, and I was supposed to be his protector from all things bad till he could grow up and do that for himself. Instead, here I was, hurting him, ‘for his own good.’
Corporal punishment is so much a part of the way we bring up our children, we do it so casually and don’t even consider the damage we are doing to their psyche - It doesn’t make any sense at all.
Physical violence doesn't makes any sense.
Here’s what does –
Pledge not to commit or condone violence Easier said than done. An adult finds it easy to hit out at a child(what can the child do after all) and a physically stronger man, at his weaker wife(sometimes the man is the abused partner in the relationship too) Everybody finds it easy to turn a blind eye to an unexplained bruise and nobody wants to do anything about DV. Finding an excuse for it, or remaining silent is as bad as committing the act of violence itself.
Take the violence seriously It’s easy to dismiss DV as happening to ‘others’ and by saying ‘it’s their personal life.’ It may be so, but if you know someone who is being abused, please don’t pretend it’s not happening; the person may desperately need support.
Learn about the issue and share your knowledge with family and friends Too many times people say ‘oh he/she must have done something to deserve it.’ Physical abuse happens because the person who commits the act knows that he or she can do it and get away with it; it is a violent expression of a frustration that has very little to do with the victim, especially when the victim is a child.
Be willing to listen to people experiencing violence. Let them know you believe in them, and assure them the abuse is not their fault Sometimes we behave as if by listening to a person experiencing violence, we somehow invite that person’s misfortune upon ourselves. ‘Are you sure he meant to do it?’ ‘But what did you do?’ and ‘Maybe he was drunk/angry/having a bad day.’ etc are words we use to brush away DV. This can kill the spirit of the person already suffering tremendously. Please, offer comfort, not judgement.
Be a role model to the children in your life by letting respect guide your words and actions Children who grow up abused and seeing abuse happen follow the same patterns later in life. They find it easier to treat others as they themselves, and others in the family were treated, and so the cycle of abuse goes on; don’t let this happen.
Empower yourself and your childrenThe lack of money ties a woman’s hands and shuts her mouth more effectively than anything else. Whether you need the money right now or not, even if your relationship is fine, and even if you believe you will never be a victim of DV and that you will be supported in style, you must be financially independent.
If you are in an abusive relationship and financial dependence is the reason why you put up with it, please find a way to work around it. If you have a daughter, even if you have plenty of money to give her, please ensure that she gets the education that will enable her to earn a living, and so have options available to make her choices in life.
For more than a decade my cousin refused to walk out of her marriage. She had sold her jewellery and given the money from that, and everything else she had, to her husband. She was not financially independent, and dreaded being ‘a burden’ on her family, even though they were sympathetic. She put up with the abuse, finished college, got a job, and walked out only when she was confident of her ability to support herself and her child on her own.
Sometimes a man hits a woman in a fit of rage/drunkenness/whatever. Maybe he never meant to do it, maybe he is not a habitual abuser, but even so, whether it happens to you or to someone you know, don’t make excuses for him.
Acceptance and silence- *this, * is very often the ugly reality of domestic violence.
Speak up/encourage people to speak up against it. It is silent acceptance that practically ensures that the act will happen again. When a person can do something once and get away with it, he/she will do it again.
No matter what your problem, there are always ways in which to deal with them; violence should not be part of the solution.
Physical abuse never makes any sense.
