Abused during marriage? GET OUT!. Review on Dealing with Divorce

I met my ex husband when I was just 16. He was handsome and smart and we hit it off really well. We dated all that summer and at Christmas he gave me a promise ring and asked me to marry him. He had given me nothing but his devotion. We had so much fun together. So I said yes!

The next year we made plans for our wedding. My father liked this boy a lot because he had a promising future and my father thought my ex would do right by me. I turned 17 in March of that next year and was looking forward to finishing my senior year at school as a “Married Woman.” We got married that August with my Father’s signature.

At first we were so in to each other and the world was ours. There was nothing that we couldn’t do together. And being a new bride I was so content in making my new husband happy that I never realized the emotional or sexual abuse that was going on.

Over the years we started having children, our first coming along after two years of marriage. We learned the hard way how to be parents, as we all do. We had to shift our life to accommodate this new addition. I remember telling my husband that I was pregnant and he made me feel bad about it. So bad I thought about an abortion. He wasn’t ready to be a father and we couldn’t afford it. But I didn’t have that abortion and soon I will be a Grandmother!

Over the course of our marriage my husband always questioned my actions. It didn’t matter what I wanted or needed he questioned it. After about 5 years of our marriage I started to realize that this was not right. I was mentally being torn down. But what to do, divorce was out of the question. It would hurt to many people. So I stayed and worked on my marriage over the years. I learned lessons the hard way. But when I decided to file for a divorce I knew that it was going to be the hardest thing that I ever did. What I didn’t realize is how hard.

I had to hire an attorney. And this is how I determined in which attorney to hire. I called the attorney office and spoke to him personally and he told me what a divorce involved and how much he would charge. He told me my rights as the wife and as the mother and explained the child custody and child support issues. He told me that I was able to file for alimony, which I didn’t do. I didn’t want anything but to be away from my husband and for him to help me continue to take care of our children. I then had a gentleman from my work call the same attorney and ask the same questions. The attorney told my friend the same that he had told me. So I thought that this was the one for me.

I was informed of the court procedures, the filings that had to be done. I had to take our tax records of the last three years, pay stubs, insurance policies and information that I had obtaining to the financial status of our marriage. I also had to tell my attorney why I wanted a divorce.

The divorce papers were filed and things really changed! My ex husband and I both were hurting, our children were hurting and I started to have regrets. But then I remember the abuse and knew I could no longer take it.

My husband never showed up for any court dates except for the very first one. Where the judge told him he was an abusive man and needed help. He was court order to take a class in helping to deal with abuse, which he never showed up for.

My now ex husband was held in default for not showing up and the judge was not amused. My divorce was final in November of 98. I finally had a life that I could call my own. But there was still a lot of pain to deal with and the fact that we both had to break away. After being married for over 19 years, breaking away is very hard.

In march of 99 my ex husband quit his job and stopped paying child support. And I thought now what? I didn’t want him in jail because that would certainly defeat the purpose. And I didn’t want my children subject to their father being in jail. They loved him and he them and that was what I focused on. I thought that maybe he would go back to work. There was a lien put against his credit and I was satisfied with that. Now I know that there will be some of you out there who read this and say to yourself that you would not have been so laid back about it, that you would have his rear end back into court. And I have this to say to those of you, that is your choice as it was mine not to. Sometimes it is just simply not worth it.

My experience with a divorce was a hard one. You have to be sure that you are doing the right thing. And there are always going to be moments when you do wonder. I mean you have to think of the children if there are any, and you have to think about the financial part as well. Because my ex had stopped paying the child support my children were court ordered to be removed from their home due to a foreclosure on the house. So we moved. My ex didn’t even show up for that court date. As usual his pain was greater than mine and he couldn’t be a man about it at all. I lost my car as well. And in March of 00 I had to file bankruptcy because of my ex.

There are still moments that I look back at my marriage with my ex and I do know that I did love him. We did have some good times together and three beautiful children. Are there times when I miss him? Of course there are, there always will be. Do I have regrets? Sure but not often. Would I do it over again? Sure I would but most likely sooner. If I could go back into time and change things would I? Of course I would. Wouldn’t we all. And I would have still married him all those years ago.

I strongly recommend that you take your spouses name off any credit cards that may be in your name. I also suggest that you put passwords on all of your accounts. This will certainly stop any fraud. This is also a good idea if you are single.

You can file and represent yourself. Most states have web sites now days where you can access all the forms and print them. There are fees involved in filing. You will be given a case number and a court date. Have all your ducks in a row. Counseling is highly recommended.

Also, if there are children involved, remember their feelings. They are hurting as well. Allow them to have a picture in their room, allow them to talk about daddy/mama it will help them. It will help you as well. And never ever degrade the other parent in front of the children this is a big NO NO!

Be prepared for a fight and remember that the person that you are divorcing is hurting also and you must be considerate to this fact. You are not the only one going through the divorce. Biting your tongue is never easy, but you have to try. If you have something to say to the soon to be spouse say it in private. Your business is that! YOUR BUSINESS!

Don’t try to go through a divorce alone. It is painful. The stress alone can kill you. You need to remember to eat and take all medicines that you may be on and you need to rest. Trust your judgment. Only you know your situation and what is best for you. Try not to get offended by your friends and family. They are just trying to help. Save your money, you will need it. I had to cut back on a lot of things, and I had to do without. And I did so gladly. I had 3 children to think about.

To those of you thinking about a divorce, I am not trying to change your mind; just letting you know what it was like for me. It was hard, very hard. And cost me a lot, emotionally and financially. But for me it was worth it. Will it be for you? I can’t answer that nor would I try. That is your business and your choice.

I hope that this has helped in some way.

God Bless!