Chinese Torture. Review on Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon Movie

I have seen several Chinese films, many which I have engaged me and fascinated me, sometimes marginally absurd, though have a cultural empowerment about them and hence make them likable experiences. Yet the same can not be said about this Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon. This is quite literally an abomination. I am from hereon not going to indulge in any subjective analysis, this review is entirely objective.

We all are well acquainted with the background of this picture. Massive international box office smash hit; winner of four Oscars and gallons of critical acclaim. Allow to me just say, but what the heck did these critics see! Were the Oscars members drugged with a ton of opium or did they get bribed. Or is this a case of, being with the hip crowd and pretending to understand the cultural ideologies intermixed into this picture?

The most fatal flaw of this picture, is the story, I mean no story - meaning, where exactly is the story!! This is an abstract, unorthodox almost unreal and kaleidoscopic experience that will either take you into an unexplored state of awareness (Like being on drugs) or put you to sleep. For the record: Legendary sword - gets stolen - they chase after it - find it - gets stolen again - jumps into a flash back with a love story(at least I think it was a flashback?)- some tasteless sex - leaves you confused of what's going on. Just when you think the story is going to pick up; it ends.

The screenplay could possibly be nominated for the worst screenplay of all time. There is absolutely no point to the film; there is no start; there is no finish(unless you call the anticlimactic nonsense in the end a finish). The movie never picks up pace and is excruciatingly dreary and boring, that even Pearl Harbor seems more exciting. Yet that setbacks do not end here. Other than being a drag, it's awfully ridiculous. Trite acting(From majority), dull and arid dialogue and obscenely stupid situations e.g. One old hag, in her 60's taking on a dozen men(And ninja woman) with swords.

Another pitfall, and quite a deep pitfall at that, is the people in this constantly fly around. However worst of all, it looks awfully ridiculous and obvious that they are wired - almost like a cheap version of superman. And when they fly, they peddle their legs as if they are cycling an infants bicycle.

Visual effects are scarcely used and look entirely outdated, not even close to the advanced computerised effects of today. It is quite laughable that the media were actually comparing this to the Matrix? The differences are so vast. Basically, the Matrix was slickly edited, had advanced computer generated effects, advanced concepts such as virtual cinematography and bullet timing technology and was digitally glossed. While CTHD is awfully edited, looks gritty, dark and incredibly faux. In retrospect, and I cannot believe that I'm saying this but, even Nayak-The Real Hero, which I rate as one of the worst movies of 2001, can be compared more favourably to the Matrix.

Moving onto the other technical credentials - this won an award of cinematography? This visually looks like an outdated Hollywood film - I see nothing truly exceptional about the cinematography. Cinematography I have found impressive recently, were; Lagaan, Abhay, Devdas, Moksha, Dil Chahta Hai, Harry Potter and the Chamber of secrets, The Legend Of Bhagat Singh, Shakti-the power, Mission Kashmir, Pukar, Asoka, Dil Se. CTHD in my eyes, does not come close to any of the aforementioned films.

If there is any redeeming factor of CTHD's cinematography, then those are the scenic locations; such as the mountainous regions, forests and the desert. Other than some eye-filling locations, there is nothing truly exceptional here.

The Martial arts are quite visually exhilarating and some of the maneuvers(As you may have seen in the trailers) are very well choreographed. Weapon fights are also interesting. Unfortunately the movie in its complete form has barely 10 min worth of decent action. Its better to just see the trailers as they showcase all the best parts.

Background scores are soulless and boring - that they alone induce sleep.

However there is one unanimous positive; the art direction is remarkable. The type of vast sets erected for this movie contribute an epic look to the picture and clearly accentuate the expenses that went in its making. The art is very period Chinese and lends this fantasy a very authentic and realistic look.

Performances are awfully corny and bland, with only Michelle Yeoh rising above them all. Chow Yun Fat also delivers a commendable performance.

Overall: Think of the abstractness in a bizarre opera, replace it with Chinese actors and setting, and add in some ridiculous flying scenes - You have Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon. If you have not seen CTHD yet, then terrific, don't waste your time on this, and instead recommend this film to your enemies; it will be a perfect Chinese torture

P.S If CTHD can win Oscars; then I don't see why Devdas can't. As Devdas dwarves CTHD in every department, making CTHD look like a low budget stage play.