''Mera naam Raj hai. I love the colour blue. Aur mein sapne bahut dekhta hoon ...''
Hey, wait! There's need to call up the nearest asylum and book a room for you for having endured mental torture as I promise you that I am not going to subject you to mushy, meaningless lines from the nightmarish flick 'Na Tum Jaano Na Hum'. But then, it is true. My favourite colour may not be blue (it's black), but I do dream a lot. What do my dreams consist of, did you ask? Well, in that sense, although I am known to have a wild imagination (plenty of puns intended), sometimes my dreams surpass themselves. Bombs all around me (and I'm talking about the bombs which explode!) and I wake up the next day to know that there actually has been a bomb blast. Refer my review titled 'Of Bombs & Bombay ...' for more. (Talk about self-publicity!) However, there is more to my dreams than just bombs (both the exploding and the female varieties)! Like last night ...
''Welcome to the SCG, I'm Richie Benaud, and you are watching Channel 9. Today, due to my old age and my famous squint just getting worse, I would like to hand over my duties of a presentor to a young prodigy, Raj Lalwani.''
(Prodigy! Talk about modesty! Please don't break your television sets. I promise to try to speak some sense, though it would be difficult ...)
''Thank you, Richie, and it's a pleasure to be boasting ... er ... hosting this show. As you know, today we are here to select a World XI, a team that can take on Waugh's Warriors, Llyod's Lions and Bradman's Invincibles!
Before I begin, let me inform you about the criteria I have chosen my team on.
This team is for Test Matches as Test Matches are like Kishore Kumar ... (The rest of the sentence is a corny Sidhuism!)
Only players who are currently playing are considered. (Tsk! Why did Wasim Akram retire recently? And why was Shane Warne so obedient in listening to his mom while taking the diuretic?)
Openers are the key to Test matches. In today's scenario, the openers aren't ones who hang around for 60 overs to score 36* (You know who!). In this changed set up of test matches, where the run rate races at atleast 4/over, my openers are Matthew Hayden & Herschelle Gibbs. Both are slam-bang players with a penchant for the big innings in Tests. Going by the age-old norm of a left and right-hand batting combination, this pair will surely ensure a quick start. Moreover, Hayden is a brilliant player of spin and Gibbs is a livewire on the field!
Slightly more sedate at No.3 is Jaques Kallis of South Africa. Although I was tempted to throw in 'Jammy' Dravid', Kallis won the nod because he is a fine bowler too. A great example of a true all-rounder, Kallis has a great average with both bat and ball. Although his pace has waned a wee bit, he still provides major breakthroughs. Next up, is the most obvious choice possible. One of the best players in the history of the game, if not the best, he is a maestro with the bat, active in the field and a bowler who dishes up 'mixed bhajyas'. Ailaa! You guessed it! It's aapla Sachin Tendulkar! No more explanation required. At No.5 would be the flawed genius. A batsman who rarely performed to his true calibre after 375 and 501, Brian Lara, on his day, can still give the opposition nightmares.
(The batting positions of Kallis & Lara can be interchanged, depending on which opener gets out first, so as to keep the left and right-hand combination going.)
At No.6 would be the most successful captain of all time. My favourite cricketer (besides Sachin), he represents grit, determination and batsmanship, all in one. His name is Stephen Rodger Waugh. As Amrish Puri boomed in a Hindi flick, ''Waugh Waugh Waah Waah!''
And before we move on the wicket-keeper and the bowlers, we'll go in for a commercial break. Please, please, please do not go away!
Commercial Break: Reviews coming up very soon: Joggers' Park, 20 Best Hindi Love Songs
''Welcome back after the break. I hope you enjoyed the commercial. Moving on, the wicket-keeper of the team is the most obvious choice. Adam Gilchrist picks himself hands down. With a batting average bordering 60 (similar to that of Tendulkar!), Gilchrist has proved that although he may be no Healy, he surely can keep well to pace and spin alike.
It is said that Test Matches are won by bowling performances. There is a catch to that statement. Tests are not won by bowling performances ... they are won by good bowling performances. If you have finished smirking at that disgusting piece of humor, let me introduce the bowlers. At No.8 is another great all-rounder, Shaun Pollock. Having taken the World Cup disappointment and the consequent sacking of captaincy behind him, Polly still produces unplayable deliveries time and again. Moreover, he is an excellent batsman! Following him is another steady pacer, Glen McGrath. Known as much for his bowling as his language, McGrath is no longer nippy, yet he always troubles the batsman by pitching the ball in what Shilpa Shetty's crazy fan, Geoffrey Boycott calls 'the coooridooor of uncertainty'. To complement these steady bowlers would be the fastest bowler in the world. And no, I'm not talking about the fastest chucker in the world - Shoaib Akhtar. The bowler in reference here is Brett Lee. And finally the spinner's slot. To say the truth, where are the spinners today? I couldn't put in Warnie's name because he obeyed his momma, and in my opinion, Muralitharan's action is more like a Bollywood dance step than a legitimate bowling action. Hence, my vote goes to Bhajji on the beach, Harbhajan Singh.
Hence, my team is summarised as follows:
*Matthew Hayden.
Herschelle Gibbs.
Jaques Kallis.
Sachin Tendulkar.
Brian Lara.
Steve Waugh. (Captain)
Adam Gilchrist.
Shaun Pollock.
Brett Lee.
Glen McGrath.
Harbhajan Singh.
Manager : Raj Lalwani (Ok! Just kidding!)*
''Thank you, Raj, for your choices. This is Richie Benaud closing the programme. We hope you enjoyed the show. And before we go, here is your cheque for $1, 000 for appearing on our show.''
TRRRRRRRRRRIIIINNNNNNNNNG........!!!
The alarm clock woke me up with a start. I instantly got up and went to the clock-shop. When the shop owner asked me why I wanted to return the alarm clock, I said, ''Your darned clock robbed me of a thousand dollars!''
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
----------------------------
- So what do your dreams say ... what would be your choices? Comments awaited!
(A big thank you to MS for including this topic which I suggested via MouthPad!)
