Disclaimer: Aah, it's been a couple of days since the world's seventh largest nation and second largest democracy has been boiling in coloured rage, and still not a review on the subject?! I just can't resist this, dahlings! :)
At the outset, this is a fictionary piece. Any resemblance to any persons or events - living or nearly dead - is purely coincidental. All/ any cases shall be subject to the jurisdiction of the Divided Republic of Lallustan.
This author is privy to en exclusive diary of a certain PillPa Titty, who is quite well known in a large country of blissfully complacent Boob-tube watchers and their more fanatic silver screen brethren. The damsel's fame is not related to any description of the above 'tube' per se, but to long legs, which stretch out like the water front along Nariman Point; lashes (no, the lady is straight, and isn't into SM stuff!) - eyes, folks- as long a peacock's feathers; fans including the likes of Karate Kumar, TN Electioneshan and other more humble forms of Indian life. Now, ere MS kicks this out for breach of 7.5K limit required for the 'A' certificate, here's the dough, extracted as convenient from the diary's leaves, bearing dates commencing from early January 2007.
: "Mama, I am leaving on a jet plane, dont know when I'll be back again."
Translates to: Enough of you tagging around and cases against textile companies. I shall be back with a few crores, and then decide where to send you and pa to.
: "I am sooo excited about going to Ingland, my axent is soo good to have been picked, I shall be away from the paparazzi and fans for a while, I shall be with similar kind of people from Uptown Britain."
Meant - I am fed up of Sheikhs, directors and other Indians. Its time for firang bhaang. I hope my English is understood. Anyway there are no fans and paparazzi, only papers where I search for (absent) mentions of myself. I am at last going to be with English men and women, who will go gaga over me. India and Indian is hot, and so am I!
: "I am at Big Brother's house. I said Haaai to a few not-so-beautiful women and a few handsome men. The women are jealous of me and the men just love me."
- I think they are all jealous that I could make it here, and especially so since I am soo cute. Just wait till I make them go Aaah, like the Sheikhs did, when I show them my cooked thigh and creamy breasts- everyone always loved my chicken curry!
A quick calculation adds up another few lakhs in gifts, with these many men around, and my being so good at so many poses, even with my legs around the neck. I am soooo good at Yoga!
: " The first bitter fight. They thought I am from Pakistan, cos I have done so many shows! They even called me an Indian. Now, arent they sweet? They told me my head is so up my neck, that I can smell the roses on the terrace! Now, isn't that Absolutely Shakespeare? He said "A rose when called by any other name will smell as sweet", and he was Brit too. They must know!
- God, I hope the media in India and my junta lap it up and react. Isnt it high time I got more space in papers than Akki Baba and Electioneshan? I am sure I can make a few quick tears appear, sans the glycerine, for the crores that I will churn in contracts in the UK and India, not to mention other parts of the globe. Thanx to my 'mates', I am now so famous. As famous as Ash and Sush. Aah, if only there were as many cosmetic competitions in my time!
: " Tears, tears, tears- they drench my face. My eyes are a-red, my face is an-aching. The girls are a-grinning. The guy is a-screaming and the other is a-flirting.
- I am fed up of thinking how the world will react. The morons even discussed it in the Brit parliament! They arent too ahead of our own Sabhas, with their high levels of 'asabhyatas'! (unparliamentary, in Sanskrit, for worldwide readers!). I don't even have to cook now. They will cook and I will eat. Little do my countrymen know this is all pre-scripted and everyone on Big Brother is making Big Money. If there isnt scandal, thrill and abuses, where are the eyeballs? At least, when I am here, I need to be more seen and heard than that Shaky Savant from the murky Mika-dent chawl!
: " I will go through this. I am a tough nut (my ma said so). I will emerge victorious. I will stand up for my rights. I will end up as a representative of my country. I will make the world take note of how good an actor I am.
- God, folks, don't you even know the sums we are paid to be on Big Brother? Do you think we will just sit, strut, flirt and the audiences will lap it up? That happens only in India. SMS isn't all too popular here. And Vodafone being a sponsor doesn't help matters any. There will be some fights (cat and doggy style!), some racism, some pulling between the legs, some cursing, some neck(twist)ing - that is what gets eyeballs; that's what gets the heckles up;that's what gets a huge erection, of TRP bars; that's what Channel 4 wants; that's what we get paid for.
: All Indians are my sisters and their brothers. You should take up my cause. You should make it clear that racism wont be tolerated.
- Please, when you Google, make it for 'Shilpa, racism, abuse, big brother'. If any one doesn't know about this serial, tell 'em. Make it a matter of national interest. Rather, make it global,
Make it Large, as Saif says.
Post Script: I am black, not even brown. I know racism exists, the world over. I also know leg pulling, cut-throatism, deep-throatism, appeasement and babugiri exist the world over. I also have known of heavy degree of racist attacks, from the press in Russia, where it is at its worst.
But people, people are what make or break such events. When we react to such scandal and sleaze-oriented programmes, we only end up benefitting them. What's the maximum that will happen? A written or published apology? Reactions are needed where they are truly warranted. Stand up for Somalia, the true Afghanis and Iraqis, the Indians truly exploited the world over, not such social parasites who feed on Page 3 and when they run out of snob-value for the press, meander over to such Big Buck celebrity events and cry fould when screamed at. We even don't see/hear the full tapes. They decide what they show us. So, is this the REAL thing, is this what our real and huge reserves of reactivity gets used up for? Think!
After all this hullabaloo, who is remembered? Channel 4, Big Brother and PillPa Titty? And who remembers? WE!
Who laughs their way to the bank? They! And who spends the money on forwarded mails, chain protest letters and SMSes to TV channels and newspapers? WE!
You don't believe the above hard facts? Well, then I rest my case!
... And we won so many Miss Worlds and Miss Universes 'cos our contestants were the bestest, the most beautiful and brainy!
And Brutus WAS indeed an honourable man!
Make your call. And like a noble doc here on MS says, let the debate flow in the comment section!
Happy viewing!
