Jan 23, 2004 01:51 PM
1961 Views
(Updated Jan 23, 2004 01:51 PM)
Every man and his dog will be able to tell you exactly what you should do when sitting an interview for a post you most desire. The ‘make eye contact’, ‘do background research on the company’, have good references’, ‘remove spinach from teeth’ etc. but what I’m about to tell you is the stuff they don’t mention, the stuff which is of the up most importance…now read carefully on ‘What NOT to do when being interviewed’.
If you follow my instructions I can guarantee that you will get the position you desire. Please note, the guarantee that I have just made is the type of guarantee an insurance company makes, that is if anything goes wrong, I shall not be held liable. With that in mind, I shall now continue with the list.
9: Refrain from challenging your interviewer to a hand wrestle to prove your ‘interpersonal strength’.
8: Remove headphones from your ears before entering the interviewing room so that you can at least pretend you have some idea of what they’re talking about.
7: If you wear a hairpiece, make sure it is held firmly in place and does not flap when you walk or shake hands with the interviewer.
6: Try not doze off during the interview…it does not leave a very good impression.
5: Abstain from telling the interviewer that you will prove your loyalty to the firm by having the company logo tattooed on your arm…you may have to go through with it.
4: Do not inform the interviewer that your long-term goal is to replace them.
3: If you feel intimidated because you are not as qualified as the other applicants, don’t panic and tell your interviewer that you never finished High School because you were kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.
2: If you don’t know the answer the question, avoid calling your therapist and asking for advice.
1: Refuse the impulse to bring a Royal Bengal Tiger to your interview…be considerate, the interviewer may have allergies.
So if you listened to my advice and got the job, hearty congratulations to you. However, is all as good as it seems? If you see any of the following statements in your progress reports, be aware that something foul is afoot.
8: Employee sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
7: This employee had illusions of adequacy
6: Works well when he is cornered like a rat.
5: This employee has hit rock bottom and started to dig.
4: This employee would be out of her depth in a puddle
3: This employee is depriving a village somewhere of their idiot.
2: His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
1: I would not allow this employee to breed
So when these ‘constructive criticisms’ start to infiltrate into your progress reports, there is really only one option that is left open to you. Have a good time with lots of laughs before they fire you. Here are some tips.
10: Schedule meetings at 4:14 PM
9: Hi Lite your shoes and tell people you haven’t lost them since you did this.
8: Name all your pens and ask your boss if he wants your paper work to be done in “Bob or Ophelia.
7: Page yourself on the intercom (don’t disguise your voice)
6: Develop an unnatural fear of staplers and tape dispensers.
5: Sit with your keyboard on your lap under your desk and type away. After a while, start complaining loudly about bad work conditions.
4: Keep looking at invisible bugs and try to swat them.
3: Type frantically, often stopping to peer evilly at the person sitting next to you.
2: Walk into a room, sit on the chair and fall off, Laugh, and sit down again. Find excuse to get up, and when you go to sit down, repeat the process. Repeat the process a third time, except when you fall down, look at your chair accusingly and say sternly ‘this isn’t funny anymore.’
1: Laugh uncontrollably for about 30 secs and then look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
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I hope you found this to be an informative read. Please don’t hesitate to comment on how my review has changed your life.
Cheers Dee
