I Anu Kapoor... Review on Antakshri

''Earlier today, the Libyan government released Fathi Jahmi. She's a local government official who was imprisoned in 2002 for advocating free speech and democracy.''

—George W. Bush, citing Jahmi, who is a man, in a speech paying tribute to women reformers during International Women's Week, Washington, D.C., March 12, 2004

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Change is but for the humans – and not me. Tired of seeing Saas Bahu and their repetitive gloom in their lives even 20 years later on? Is your life on tenterhooks about who will Ramola Sikand kill next? Do you get sleepless nights wondering the fate of Mansha? Have you lost track of how many people get face change in Des Mein Nikla Hoga Chand… or how many husbands Heeena and KKusum have married and divorced? Worry not, for I and my co-host Pallavi Joshi are only there to rekindle your lost spirits, rewind your sense of bewilderment and transport you back to good old days when only I was the only one whom you frowned up on TV. Ladies and Gentleman, welcome to a show that refuses to shut down – Antakshri.

While I make a conscious effort to keep myself in check in the opening credits, forgive me friends if I go a little overboard – I am only getting involved. No – I don’t gyrate wildly whenever someone hits a buzzer, nor I have ever tried to snatch Pallavi’s microphone whenever it is possible – I am just too enthused in the show. If you notice well, I even enacted the song “Purani Jeans” when my lovely counterpart sang it. Wasn’t it a delectable touch when I enacted a cigarette smoke on the lyrics “Woh cigarette pina, gali mein jaake” – though I wish there was a by-lane I could go to.

I love garish sets as you can see. My pointing systems make no sense whatsoever. But who cares? Between you and me, I don’t know when people get 100 points, or 50 or then minus 50. I myself developed the pointing system, but I am sorry, I have forgotten how – sigh, I wish Pallavi was there to help you out. She remembers them by heart for sure – I have often seen her with mathematics books and calculators just before the show begins.

I love to cry. I love to get emotional whenever I travel outside of India. I love to cry when it is Holi, Diwali, Raksha Bandhan, Christmas or any other festival of this world. I even cry on Republic day and Independence Day too. Then I cry when while I am in Singapore, Dubai and the world. I also cried remembering my college days, my acting days, and my struggling days. How can I not feel moist remembering how long I have hosted this show and keep crying. Sigh, I try to make Pallavi cry too – but all she does is smile. I tried to bring tears in many – Renuka, Durga and Pallavi– but no avail. Hence I cry for them too. Please don’t get emotional – I am a cry saga. The next time you see me crying – just check your calendar if it is the “international mosquito day”.

I also love to act like a dog – sometimes I am so overjoyed, I lie on the floor, lift my one leg and jiggle on the floor – people have told me that their bitches were aroused seeing me in the show, but you know they must be joking. Sometimes I even like to act like a transvestite – I simply take pallu – duppatta and whatever and cover my somber face with it. I dothumkas and sway my hip from left to right with my index figer on my lips; I was so impressive that someone offered me Aunty No. 2, but I refused it. I also work for PERIL – “Promoting Eunuch Rights In Lollywood” organization, and boy I do make some statements, don’t I ?

I loved working with my co hosts – but I think Durga was my favorite – She was manly. Others are too feminine to appreciate my boisterous moods. With Durga I could always get comfortable doing my doggy acts, but sigh, with others I have to be a little careful. I even proposed a Doggy with Durga, but she refused and left the show – sigh. I am moist – allow me some tears.

(Miff… miff) - You know – I get completely electric when someone hits a buzzer – its almost as if someone summoned me. I love jumping to the desk of participants and look in their eyes – sometimes I do my loony-dog-looking-hopelessly-at-you act too. I sometimes like to put my face right into their face and smile. I am sure my participants feel homely with such behavior. Sometimes I just begin to sing whatever they sing too – I get completely involved.

Someone told me my dress sense is horrible too – but tell me folks, should I know put myself in jeans and shirt when I play college kids in college specials? I once asked for kurta with flowerpot explosion on it for Diwali, but my producers refused it.

But then all good things come to end. Miff… Miff. I simply put my other careers on hold. I don’t get any more movie offers nor do I get serials. I am so alone in this vestibule of Zee. Why, even Simi hasn’t invited me on her show yet. When I go to parks, only dogs seem interested in talking to me. Even Shekar Suman doesn’t think me befitting to make fun of me. Sigh, what a life I have led.

I am still running this show – perhaps with a hope that a better future awaits me.

Tell me wouldn’t you all love me in Sa Re Ga Ma Pa too?

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''God loves you, and I love you. And you can count on both of us as a powerful message that people who wonder about their future can hear.''

—George W. Bush, Los Angeles, Calif., March 3, 2004 (HELP!!! Christ Resurrected - Oh No!)