The Unhappiest Place on Earth. Review on Amusement Parks in General

Visiting Disneyland always winds up being more fun in theory than in actuality. A native Los Angelino, my childhood was spent being rudely awakened by my family at 6 AM to beat the crowds at Disneyland. This theory has never held up. If you leave at 6 AM from West LA, you get to Disneyland in roughly an hour. You run to the entrance after parking in God knows what character donned lot (Goofy, Mickey, etc) only to find that every other family on Earth also woke up at 6 AM to beat the crowds. So now you're tired, you're hungry, you're pissed off and waiting in line....and you're no closer to entering the Happiest Place on Earth than you would have been if allowed to sleep in.

As you enter Disneyland, you walk through Main Street USA, which is basically an excuse for Victorian Carnation Ice Cream shops as there are too many to name. Main Street USA is still the strangest part of Disneyland. Here, you will find large arrays of lockers and restrooms and plenty of small children being forced to do ''The Wave'' with Goofy characters (and subsequently delivering a solid kick to Goofy's kneecaps.) Yes, there is plenty of character abuse to be spotted at Main Street USA. Actors dressed like Mickey and Goofy seem to encourage the worst shin-kicking from kids; perhaps this is because they insist on posing with hysterical sugar deprived toddlers and then, making them do the chicken dance.

Along Main Street are plenty of Victorian shop facades scattered in between real shops that sell ice cream and stuffed animals. Should a wayward teen decide to steal a stuffed animal from one of many gift shops, that teen will shortly land themselves in Main Street USA's jail. You would never suspect that such a happy street would house a holding cell unless you are on a field trip with that very wayward teen who held up your junior high school field trip for five hours as teachers negotiated with Disneyland police.

Lovers of the drama, One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest, will be pleased to know that Nurce Rached lives and thrives in Disneyland's Hospital (on Main St.) Once when a friend on the very same ill-fated trip sprained her ankle running toward Tomorrowland, I spent many hours waiting for Rached to give this friend a brace to wear on her ankle. Due to legal reasons, Rached could not prescribe a brace and could only hand my wounded friend a dixie cup full of water. We could rent a wheelchair for 20 bucks, like that was going to happen. No, we could not get aspirin as that would be, in fact, a prescription of sorts. Yes, very helpful are these ice queens of Main St. USA who probably provided inspiration for Disney's great villains.

Let's move on to Tomorrowland, a strange 1960's view of what space travel resembled back then...juxtaposed with 1980's space visions that were added at a later date. Long gone are the days of the People Movers. The People Movers ride was a trolley that inched along at a snail's pace and gave you a somewhat nice view of the park. My favorite part of the now extinct People Mover ride was the journey into the land of TRON, the geeky 1980's flick starring Jeff Bridges. The People Mover would jolt to a stop as Trapper Keeper grids were projected all around you. Of course it was ridiculed time and time again as the lamest ride in the park but yet it remained the only ride where one did not have to wait for a good hour to board the ride. People Mover/Tron was recently replaced by Rocket Cars which look like a much fancier version of the exact same ride but require that participants wait in line for an hour or more to board.

Star Tours is pretty amusing for Star Wars lovers. Although the ride is just a simulation, the line entertainment makes the wait feel less horrible. There are also 3-D movies (Remember Captain EO starring crazed Michael Jackson? No longer there!) in Tomorrowland. Where the spinning muppet musical once sat called America Sings! there is now a weird spinning convention center that has something to do with ''products of the future!'' I can't honestly say that I miss the spinning muppet musical but it was slightly more entertaining than a large spinning convention center.

Frontierland houses all time classic Disneyland rides as well as popular new ones. Pirates of The Caribbean is still my favorite ride despite the changes it has undergone due to feminist protesting of the early 80's. Now instead of drunken pirates terrorizing females of a town, the females terrorize some of the drunken pirates too, proving that it's okay if everyone terrorizes everyone. Strangely enough, they left in the ''Brides for Sale'' scene which you would assume would be more offensive to feminists than the drunken pirate chase...but it's still there.

The Jungle Cruise has survived but for how much longer, it's hard to say. Hosted by would-be Steve Irwins and Crocodile Dundees, the Jungle Cruise floats by animatronic rhinos and cannibals amist corny jokes that often encourage mass groaning. My favorite ride is the relatively new Indiana Jones Adventure because you get to see a life-size Harrison Ford at least a dozen times throughout. The wait is usually hours upon hours but their introduction of The Fast Pass (which means grab a pass now, come back in three hours and wait less) seems to work pretty well.

Fantasyland also houses many classic rides that will hopefully not be rearranged to suit Disney's newest film releases. Mr. Toad's wild ride features a surreal drive through hell and back. Alice in Wonderland is trippy and poorly done with paper cut-out cats and Queens. Peter Pan is a favorite for little kids and the Pinnochio ride is the most hated in Fantasyland for its annoying songs and bad neon facades.

It's a Small World doesn't have the wait times it used to ever since they decided to turn on the lights so little toddlers would not cry and scream throughout the entire ride. But now the dancing dolls look less alive since you can see the strings, duct tape, and foam holding them up and lining the ceiling.

The Matterhorn is still one of the best rides at the park and oddly enough, you can usually get on it quicker than the other rides. Once in awhile, mountain climbers in lederhosen climb the side of the Matterhorn and keep bystanders entertained. I think Tinkerbell sometimes drops down from the Matterhorn too- in a weird bungee jump to Fantasyland.

The problem with Disneyland is that most of your time at the park will be spent waiting in lines surrounded by arguing couples and screaming children. Everyone seems to be generally unhappy at the happiest place on earth. Children lose their minds as they have no patience to stand for hours on end watching other people board the rides while inching no closer to the actual entrance. Parents argue with each other, angered at the prices of the restaurants or the four dollars they spent on bottled water. Parents also bargain with their screaming children who insist on rolling around on the floor or begging to use the bathroom when they are near the front of the line.

And the heat during the summer seems sweltering and intolerable. And even the water is overpriced.

The good thing about Disneyland is that despite all the chaos and unhappiness, people are still determined to suspend disbelief. When I once saw a large rat- as in a real rat that feeds off real food and trash- run through Toontown and I alerted my friends to this, the woman in back of us insisted that it was no rat, it was a weasel.

''That was a weasel! You know, because there are weasels in that Roger Rabbit movie! It was planted there purely for effect!''

Sure, lady, dream on.