Sep 29, 2006 04:52 PM
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I love to rip into movies, especially those with funny sounding titles like this. Well heres a shocker. I dont think the film makers intended it to be this way, but this is the most suspenseful movie I have seen in my life. The suspense in this movie easily beats other movies like Kaun, Vadh etc. My stomach is still in knots.
Anyway, heres the lowdown. The movie starts out with this huge mansion (even has its own temple) inhabited by a mixed bunch of zoo animals - Dadhiyal Don played by Kiran Kumar and a fake beard, his son Severe Sphincter Cramps played by the same guy who played Congenital Constipation in another movie. These guys are apparently part of the Bombay underworld. Dadhiyal Don (DD)'s daughter is the booty-full Night-mare (played by Amisha). You say, "Wow, what suspense". And I say "Not yet".
So, nightmare is not allowed out of the house, since she is on every goon's hitlist.So she stays home all her life (even gets schooled at home). She gets very upset when she hears her family talk about killing and stuff. Poor girl. What will she do? Suspense?? Maybe, but not yet.
Well, time for our hero to make his entry. And it is none other than No-hit played by Hrithik Hroshan. The first glimpse of the dude is when he's playing soccer wearing a 5th graders basketball jersey. Anything to show the baaady yaar. Anyway he plays a heck of a game (while the rest of his teammates and opponents were playing soccer). Scouts for Mohun Bagan, who were at hand to watch the game, said he had promise, if he ever learned to pass the ball. These guys dont understand. Real men dont pass. Suspense here? Not really.
No-hit wins the soccer match, and goes into a song and dance routine. When riding home on his bike at night he sees Night-mare. No no .. hes not asleep. Night-mare is riding in a car. Suddenly about 427 people crawl out of a Maruti van and start shooting at Night-mare's car. Right in fron of No-hit and his friends (Sidey1, Sidey2, Sidey3 and Sidey12 - the sardar). This is a good time for the sideys to bail, so they are gone. That leaves No-hit to take care of the gangstas all by himself. He does for a while, all the while copping feels from Night-mare. Finally brother Severe Sphincter Cramps appears on the screen and saves the day. For some reason they dont kill No-hit even though it appeared that he was dragging her. Yeah, a little suspense, but theres a lot more to come. Boy is there more.
So now No-hit keeps dreaming of Night-mare (or is it nightmaring of sapna??) and starts liking her (now you understand the name of the movie, right??). He gotta get a piece of that ass. Just gotta. Then he finds out that she is DD's daughter. He somehow gets himself and all his friends to play the band at the underworld navratri celebreations - held at DD's house. Easy as pie, right?? Wrong. Almost there with the suspense. I can just feel that little butterfly in my stomach. Just one though.
On the first night of navratri, my true love gave to me, a partridge in a pear tree .. wait .. wrong festival. As you know navratri means nine nights, so he gets to meet her for 9 straight nights. WOW. First night - eyes meeting meeting. Second night a little dancing teasing. Third night almost kissing pissing. Fourth night .. ahhh that fourth night. This is the longest recorded night in the history of the world. Here's what happens. You do the math.
Band (along with No-hit) starts playing. Night-mare is nowhere to be seen. Then she appears. Then the couple go up to the chhat. They talk shalk. The she says she has never gone out, so take her out. He takes her for a ride all over bombay. Then they go to a movie. Then they go to Mcdonalds and eat "Bargars". Then he drives her from Bombay to Panvel to meet his parents. They hang out there for a while, drive all the way back to bombay, and the dandiya is still going on. Of course, by this time, the bands fingers are bleeding (time for band aid) and the people have no shoes as they have all been ghisaoed. Do the math (Hint bombay - panvel is about 2-3 hours drive one way). That was some suspense. But not the big one. Oh no.
On the last day of Navratri, my true love .. 's dad announces her engagement to someone else. Why havent more Hindi film makers thought about this idea?? You know - announcing the girls engagements in front of many people including the hero. That is such a unique idea. Makes for good suspense, too. Where, you ask?? We are finally here.
So here is the big suspense.At this point my brain is fried. I smash the VCR, burn the damn video, and just to feel better, shoot 7 bullets into the sky, and set four cars on fire. Now the suspense is eating me alive. What the hell happened to the poor couple? Did No-shit finally get his Night-mare. Did DD get Sphincter cramps a much needed enema?? Did Alok Nath kill himself (That should be a constitional law - every movie Alok Nath has to die in the first scene. Instead of having all the Puja and Jai Ganesh at the start, there should just be a gruesome clipping of Alok Nath being hanged, burned, garrotted, guillotined, boiled, filleted, quartered .. and then really hurt him).
Can anyone help me here?? What the hell happens in the second half of the movie?? Oh, and please dont answer, unless you want another barrage of bullets - this time pointed at you.
