I was once talking to an elderly uncle who brought on the topic as to why a famous Bollywood actor is still unmarried & then elaborated on the reasons for the same. This coming from a man who himself is a divorcee made me wonder as to why the single status of the actor is such a big issue for him & many others. It seems this is something ‘The Nation wants to know’ because judgmental people don’t have any other important thing to do.
In fact, the moment someone turns 20 plus, he / she has to face these weird acquaintances whose main question is ‘When are you getting married’?
It seems as if being single & ready to mingle is still frowned upon especially as a person’s age advances & is more for women than men. These oldies sometimes with self – vested interests offer unsolicited advices & predictions claiming to be Matrimonial fixers even if they themselves had unhappy marriages. For them, being unmarried is a crime & marriage the only punishment.
Worse is when your family members agree with them instead of understanding your individual decision of wanting to marry or not & if yes, then when. Many fail to realize that marriage comes with its own set of marital & monetary responsibilities & thinking to be a one – stop solution to all problems with scant regard for financial securities is surely a recipe for disaster. Marriage will only worsen pre – existing problems if they haven’t been taken care of beforehand.
So, if you are still Itching to get Hitched with the 7 year Itch, read on.
I feel Marriage is not necessary & hence, one should not be forced to marry because it only leads to unhappiness. People decide to marry but are mostly unaware of what they expect from it. This only leads to disappointment when expectations are not met & the person is still forced to bear the burden of marriage for family & social reasons.
Ask any married elderly around you as to why they got married & you will get a list of lame excuses ranging from:
It was time to get married(I don’t understand who decides the Right time)
Parents were insisting
Everyone around me was getting married
How long will I remain unmarried?
What will people say that ‘I’m still unmarried?’
God has made man & woman to marry & have kids
If I marry late, then how will I have children?
Yes, the last reason is true because as age advances, a woman’s fertility status starts declining. But with latest medical advancements, its possible for a woman even beyond the age of 40 to become a mother.
All said & done but you will rarely come across someone frank enough to tell you that the ‘Mangalsutra is the Only Legal way to enjoy Kamasutra. That’s because, sex is taken for granted without realizing that if the partners are sexually incompatible, the nuptial night can turn into a nightmare with sexual dissatisfaction only ruining the relationship. Its sheer hypocrisy that while sexual innuendos are fine, talking about the real purpose behind marriage is still forbidden. You may find very few saying that they married only because they found the right partner.
Similarly, if you ask married couples or those who remarried after the divorce or death of their spouse, about their expectations from the marriage, you will find a blank face struggling to answer. The reason is simple, nobody actually thought as to what he/she is expecting from this lifelong commitment.
I have provided a Check – list of the common expectations that people have from marriage but rarely talk about it openly:
Love
Respect
Trust
Emotional Support & Understanding
Children
Higher Social Status & Benefits thereupon(as in Rich boy marrying poor girl & vice versa)
Unpaid 24x7 domestic servant(Yes because these days, getting a servant is more difficult than getting a spouse)
And last but certainly not the least
Money(Cash & Kind): This can be in the form of:
Dowry, a social evil that still exists today(Mind you there are some communities where the boy’s family has to pay Dowry)
Double Income if both are working
Divorce – related Alimony: Sounds unbelievable but a marriage actually got cancelled because the bride insisted on the Alimony amount to be included in the Pre – nuptial agreement, should the marriage end in divorce. The very basis of Marriage was Alimony.
Depending on the satisfaction derived from fulfillment of the expectations, the marriage is likely to succeed or fail. Given that life is unpredictable, one also needs to include other factors which I call the 10 Ds:
Dislike for the spouse leading to Disinterest & eventually Emotional Detachment
Discordance due to any reason whatsoever
Deceit leading to Distrust or vice versa: Monetary or Marital as in Adultery
Disease: Including Addictions, Infertility, Scheming In- laws & others
Death of Spouse, Family member, Child or even Loss of job
Divorce & Remarriage thereafter
Disaster: Any Natural or Induced Traumatic Event
Distance Separation due to Employment or Education
Domestic Abuse & Violence
Differences over Looks or Financial status leading to Negative emotions
All this leaves the hurt partner depressed, disillusioned & even guilty. The matter worsens when children & in – laws are involved because they are expected to take sides in the Blame game.
In such situations, Medication, Meditation & Counselling can surely help the person overcome the problem, prevent relapses of depression & in some cases, make the sufferer a stronger individual & a role model for others in similar distress.
To summarize, Marriage is a once – in – a – lifetime commitment & can become one of the most beautiful, memorable & cherished experience of one’s life provided it is based on Love, Trust, Respect, Mutual Understanding & last but certainly not the least, the Right partner.
