There have been different views from different people. Some say that daughters are closest to their fathers and some say that they share a close bond with their mothers. I support neither. I've lived life on my terms, I am stubborn and I can do most things a man can, except the obvious. We all emerged from the same dust and dust is what we will be in the ultimate analysis. So what is this fatherly business? I believe like our country has only 2 basic problems; corruption and the poverty arising from it, our culture too has 2 kinds of fathers.
On the one hand we have guardians who take on a responsibility; whether they like it or not; for their children. On the other hand there are those men who believe that the sooner they dry their hands from responsibilities; the better it is for them as people in society. I have seen both of them exist. Sometimes they co-exist. For most of my growing up years, my father was this funny man who would sign my report cards without questioning it, smile at my remarks while mom cribbed and then suddenly something happened! He became a father again!
After 12 years of a confused childhood; where my physical self oscillated from being a daughter and the sole recipient of unwanted affection and goodies; I became a sister. Suddenly the other father emerged! From nowhere really! It was suddenly a glum feeling that hopes were lost. And the household suddenly had a daughter. Someone who would ultimately be married off; and someone who attached a huge price tag in dowry. Years passed and it was decided that like I had been treated in so many years, I will still be treated in the same manner; a tomboy.
So no marriage for me. I was to be a handy "man" for all functions, financial transactions. I was even an electrician fixing fuses and gas cylinders from time to time. But then like all miracles have to take place in everyone's lives; mine took place too! I fell in love! Something that I should not have done; so I was told. It was something that was against the norm; something that was so totally, pathetically feminine!
After two whole decades of wandering for the want of affection, attention and rebelling against discrimination I had a battle to fight. I had no one. But I knew I had my soul; somehow I never paid attention to the fact that it was always there throughout my loner existence. I knew I had books for company; I also had pencils and paper for company; but the soul was somewhat new to this scheme of things! So I shared it with the Almighty, first time in 23 years of living on earth! I am not sure why we called the Almighty a father, and I still do not know why, but the fact is that I met up with him through my prayers. He became an acquaintance first, later my elder brother and now my friend! Of course I never knew what my father wanted from me through his copious rounds of abuses and scoldings where I was mostly discouraged for the writing bug that had infected me; but I was happy!
I spoke little throughout my Indian Express stint, but I got to know in time that he lived the philosophy of escapism. He hated every moment of my writing, because I was getting paid for it; and reasonably well! Perhaps he hated me because I found my calling really early in life! Through my turmoils in getting married to the man I loved and in a tryst that I battle in proving my worth to my soul, I guess my father hated himself and me for getting left out. He always told me to speak to others and get their opinion on my thought process; and I always thought that he was escaping from his duties as a father. I never told him though! He might feel bad is what I thought! I still don't! But in the entire story, I found that fathers can never be able to express what they want their children to be. I found two fathers in the bargain I call life! One who taught me to hate myself for not being able to do what he wanted and the other to believe in the path I had chosen, as that was really meant to be mine with my soul for company.
I looked around then. I analyzed the father's of my friends and colleagues. When I had the time I also looked at my relatives and their fathers. I am not quite sure if they could do their duty to the fullest, but yes I found mine - in the Almighty. Don't get me wrong, he is still my best friend, it's just that he keep changing roles, faster than I would! He talks to me often and he tells me to leave what I think outside my mind and flow it out on paper. In the form of a story. Today I am glad that I did that! Because within relations, I found characters and with them I found a story! What else could I have asked for!
