Like everyone around me I have a lot of regrets in my life. Some are big, some are even bigger and others are huge. I regret many things. Things I started, things I didn't finish, things I tried to become but wasn't, or things I wanted to do but couldn't. I'm sure everyone I know feels the same way.
I usually find myself staring down the barrel of one of those regrets. I shake my head and try to come back to the present (gift). I try to see things in a different light and grow up. But how do I Grow up? Most people I see grow older, but growing UP is difficult. We all grow older in life, we become ‘mature’. We own a house, get married, have children, pay taxes. Is that growing up? I read a book once which said ‘To grow up is to stop putting blame on parents. To grow up is to care not only about one’s own self but about somebody else’s, somebody yet to come. To grow up is to be in a constant state of forgiving. Forgiving yourself for not knowing better, or for knowing better and not doing better, and then releasing people from your own anger and angst.’
I know I am growing older everyday but I don’t grow up even for a day. And that’s why sometimes I feel hollow right at the center of my heart. But my mind quickly brings me back to the state of ‘Who gives a duck-everyone makes mistakes’.
I accept I did (or didn’t) do a thing. The acceptance is causing this regretful thought. And when I examine this thought, I see what happened in my life because of those decisions which were wrong. Let’s say if I hadn’t failed at something, I would have never met my best buddy, who married this great girl, whose mother helped me out so much in life (and is still a true inspiration). So a good thing HAS happened to me because of a bad thing. And so how can I completely regret failing?
This reminds me of a bed time story my dad often told me. It was about a farmer.
Once upon a time, there lived a poor farmer, who had just one horse. One day, he mistakenly left the barn door open and the horse ran away, so everyone came to console him for his bad luck. He regretted his mistake.
After two days, the horse came back, leading 6 wild horses with it. Now everyone came to congratulate him on such good luck.
The day after, his son tried to ride one of the wild horses, but he fell down and broke his leg. Once again everyone came to console him for his bad luck.The farmer regretted keeping the wild horses.
After two days, the king’s army came to take away all the youth of the village, but the peasant's son was not chosen because of his broken leg. And again everyone congratulated him for his good luck
I loved this story (and I still do). It tells me what ever I am is because of my mistakes. I am ‘me’, because I regretted being anyone else. But as long as I live I shall keep regretting the things I do (or don’t do). And that makes me. I am, and so I regret, and so I am.
