I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees and manage time efficiently. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. I know who shot Kennedy. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I was scouted by the Yankees. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. The mambo is my friend. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. And I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I don't need underwear; underwear needs me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. In Pamplona, the bulls ran with <b>me</b>. I've slept on snow-covered mountaintops along the DMZ, and my derring-do is the subject of bedtime stories in the Congo. When I clip my toenails, little men come out of the shadows to collect the shavings. I am the cult of personality. And, if I had but one chance to whisper words of advice into the ears and psyches of mankind, I'd insist ''groove is in the heart.'' . I am a 3rd degree master of full-contact origami and a yokozuna rikishi in the exciting (though somewhat off-putting) world of naked sumo.