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MUTHU'S GROUSE: DONE TO DEATH TOPICS (DTDT) - II
Mar 19, 2009 03:30 PM 3419 Views
(Updated Mar 25, 2009 02:28 PM)

PresKrypt:


For starters, kindly allow The Krypt to explain why you should follow a ‘How to write reviews’ advice from a guy who’s managed to write only 11 reviews in 4 years. It’s easy. Let’s take this really famous and profound sentence from one of Hell’s most healthy (in an extremely mental way) thinkers, The Krypt’s good friend, Nozzie: “Every writer started off being a reader.”Now, let’s twist this one line to fit, both, your as well as The Krypt’s feet.


For The Krypt’s Feetbones: The reason why The Krypt should be allowed to write this piece is because he’s read a lot of reviews here. And, hence, he speaks of ‘How To Write’ from a reader’s perspective. Essentially, this review’s for YOUR audience.


For Thine Feet: *Now, the reason why YOU should read this review is, well, because according to Nozzie, the more you read, the better you’d know about writing nuances. Essentially, this review’s for the betterment of your ego (e.g. “Ha! At least, I’m better than The Krypt.” *smug look) and, consequently, your future reviews.


Ok? Ok.


As with his previous ‘Done To Death Topic’ review, The Krypt will segregate the writing process into three different periods: before you start writing, while you’re writing and once you’re done writing. Please note that The Krypt will neither include Food and any of its bowel stirring derivatives nor any mating calls under the subtopics as they don’t have anything to do with a review on ‘How to write reviews’. Kindly, adjust.


A) BEFOREMATH:


The most important prerequisite for writing a review is the presence of a (ahem) product. You can’t write a review on ‘Nothing’, trust The Krypt. He’s tried it. Couldn’t get beyond one line: ‘Nothing is….goood.’ Sigh. Anyway, how you would choose a topic is pretty easy. You could:


i) Write on a recently used product which you highly want to recommend/trash. (Product could also imply cinema, by the way.)


ii) Write a review on a product whose review you just read but oppose with the viewpoints put forward there. You want to help the consumers get a more balanced view so write a countering review, thereby unwittingly confusing the consumers even more who, now, don’t know whom to believe. But your intentions were good. So, nevermind.


iii) Write a review if you’re out of MS Points to gift The Krypt a gift. :)


Ah, well. You get the point. Before you start writing, make sure you have something to write on and make sure you have a decent amount of material. Also, make sure you get the facts right lest you should sound like Sajid Khan.


E.g. of the last two points: ‘Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi is a goood movie. Aditya Chopra is a vary vary goood directar.’The above example is not enough to comprise a review, even an sms one. Get more information than just the name of the movie. Also, like The Krypt said, get your facts right. The movie had no director. Oh, and get a spell-check done.


B) WHILSTMATH:


This is the toughest part of writing a review. Yes, EVEN if you’re writing a review on how to write reviews. So, wait. Let him think. Ok, so here’s the thing: there are, like, SH!TLOADS of reviewers here, on MS. It’s VERY easy to get lost in the crowd and go nameless/faceless. So, have your own style of writing. Do NOT ape. When a reader reads a review, randomly, make sure he can recognize it as one of your works without even looking at the name of the reviewer.


This can also backfire, though, as the reader might go ‘Argh, this is incredibly boring, I bet it’s by this guy with the id godofboredomworshippers…ha! I was right, ’ but The Krypt won’t delve into that aspect of it. Anyway, having an identity is better than having none. So, go ahead, leave your stamp. (Hi, I’m Prophet Nostradamus -ahem Nozzie. Managed to sneak into the review, somehow. Anyway, I just wanted to say that one very easy (but unscrupulous) way to ‘leave you stamp’ is to write your name in the middle of the review, like The Krypt.<--- See, name? Bloody Jackass. Keeps writing it. Gotta go, now.)


Another very important thing is to stick to the topic as much as possible. Cool, The Krypt gets your mind’s gigantic and there’s a lot going on, but please don’t digress. Take this review on Kurkure: ‘Kurkure is a very tasty snack. Juhi Chawla endorses it, so it must be awesome because Juhi Chawla’s awesome. There’s this girl in my class who looks just like her and I’m so jealous. But Amit keeps looking at me all the time so, I guess I’m a pretty girl too. Hi, my name is Muthulakshmi. Will you be my friend?’


Now, unless you meet a stick of Kurkure that calls itself Muthulakshmi, The Krypt’s afraid the above review’s heavily off track. So, try your best not to narrate your own story in between reviews. Saves everyone’s energy.Format your review well. Give paragraphs where due, respect the punctuation marks and highlight sections you want to stress on. All this makes the content a little easy to follow and helps it fall gently on to the eyes. Just like how you feel when you lie down on a Kurl-On mattress. That girl who sang ‘One-third of my life, papa…’ is hot. The Krypt really likes her. Hi, his name is Kryptus Morceillanus. Will you be his friend?


C) AFTERMATH


Hmmm. Once you’re done writing the review, there’s really not much to be done. Think of a suitable title for it, which aptly describes the mood of your content. Once you’re done with that click on the preview button to see if there’s anything that hurts the eyes. And then, finally, at long last, click on the ‘submit’ button. Watch the wonderful dramatics of Mouthshut as the screen goes white for a second thereby taking your review out of your sight, temporarily, so as to imply ‘Ha, it’s now MINE!’ Wow. wipes a tear NOW, you can attend to food/any of its bowel stirring derivatives and mating calls. After all, India’s a free country. Proceed To The Comments. Just a scroll away, sheesh.


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