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**Naariyal Paani N Naughty Words**
Feb 04, 2006 12:28 AM 3876 Views
(Updated Feb 04, 2006 12:36 AM)

Visualize your first visit to “duniya ka sabse bada shaher” as Amrish Puri incorrectly stated, the one region where a young woman can exist wearing nothing and being called “Poo” as Kareena Kapoor wrongly implied, the only place which can defy the laws of common sense and have an Oxford University within it, even though geographical surveys prove Oxford University is in fact in…wait for it…Oxford, which was erroneously defined by the queen of modern directors; Karan Johar.


I am of course talking about London.


There have existed several misconceptions about this extraordinary city, although there doesn’t subsist a single soul who hasn’t heard of it. Some of these range from being as ridiculous as “the people have orange noses” to as exemplary as “everybody lives a glam-sham lifestyle.” But the one misconception that infuriates, exasperates and agitates me is that “everybody in London speaks the Queen’s English.”


Don’t get me wrong; Mouthshut itself has a perfect example of a certain being from London who would so effortlessly conquer the Queen in an elocution contest, and has also been labelled (I believe) accordingly. However, many assume that as “prim and proper” English originates from this city, it is only justified that the whole population of London can articulately converse in it. Yeh galat jawaab hai. London is crammed with individuals from differing nationalities, races and religions, so it is only natural that they be fluent in whatever their origins conversed in, even if their origins were from an area, which spoke a dialect of English. Incidentally, as Punjabi, Bengoli, Gujarati etc are all dialects from Hindi, English can also be cateogorised into Northern, Cockney, Scottish etc.


As of ten or so years ago, an assemblage of very interesting individuals derived in London (and have now spread throughout England), whom I like to refer to as “coconuts” (the psychology is white on the inside, i.e. mentally, and brown on the outside, i.e. physically), however they can also be called “rude boys or rude girls” or more commonly, the species of British Asians (or B/A's for Ashi:P). The females are distinguishable by their straightened hair with blonde highlights, or the cyan blue contact lenses, which clash horribly with their skin colour, nearly always shadowing a group of males. The males are distinguishable by the unmistakable spiky hair, glued up with a tonne of hair gel, strutting their stuff as if they’re the next Brad Pitt or Saif Ali Khan.


During your voyage around one of the world’s most popular cities, you will *(I can guarantee it) *come across a gang of these coconuts. Although unfortunately lacking in numbers in central London, the suburban and inner city areas are infested with this interesting species. And if whilst seeing an Asian face, you decided to hold a conversation with one of them, then it is essential to comprehend what they say.


And so I present my Coconut Dictionary.


What ya chattin?: How are you?


Bare: A large quantity of_ One of my darling cousins modestly scribbled “I have bare friends” in her English Essay, which consequently led her teacher to be under the illusion that her friends roam around wearing nothing. (Which would also be true as all of her friends are coconuts:P)


Safe: The coconut equivalent of “lovely” or “charming”. Frequently(more often than not), you may hear “dat’s bare safe innit” which translates to, “that is very nice, don’t you agree?”


Innit: This is the most common yet still not clichéd word in the Coconut Dictionary, and if you hear this being utilized you are to assume that they are asking you to agree with them. No matter what they ask, just nod and smile or you may find your head flushed down the nearest toilet seat. (hehe, kidding kidding:P)


Dread:  The opposite of “safe”, this means “nasty” or “disgusting”, and you can be assured that when Coconuts use this, they are not happy bunnies.


Fit: Good looking.


Wicked: Surprisingly, this doesn’t mean cruel. Nor is it a negative word; it is a melodramatic version of “safe”, deciphering to “brilliant” or as I say “fab”.


Buff: An extension on “fit”, this means “gorgeous”, i.e. the likes of Abhi and Saif.


Bling Bling: When a Coconut is pleased with an item of material goods, he/she will use this phrase to imply their uncontrollable excitement.


A Jonah: A “Jonah” is a poor soul who is discarded and shunned from the rest of the world; we may call him/her a “loner”.


Whatever: This is used when a coconut is unable to think of a suitable argument against what you say, so they dismiss it with a quick “whatever”.


Loser/Freak: Believe it or not, these may be commonly used amongst the majority of us, but they in fact originated from Coconut language.


Retarded: Coconuts can accurately utilize words from other languages; the French for “late” is “au retard”, and “retarded” basically decodes to somebody who is slow on a social level.


Sick: “The party was sick last night” quoted a friend of a friend, which seemed to innocent bystanders as if he had fallen ill. However, as with “wicked”, this is a ‘false friend’ and really means “great.”


Camp: The likes of George Michael and Karan Johar.


Pissed: So drunk, that the coconuts are unable to actually utilize the word “drunk.” One more characteristic of coconuts; many pretend to be “cultured” but they get up to the most scandalous things.


A joka: Somebody who has the ability to make coconuts laugh would be classed as a “joka.” This compliment would not be too difficult to obtain; flirting endlessly with them will help you achieve success.


continued in the comments=>


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