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Preventing Spam mails
Jun 23, 2003 05:15 PM 6574 Views
(Updated Jun 24, 2003 11:37 AM)

An Octopus found by Ocean Life researchers in the north-east direction of Pacific, 500 feet below water level, is pregnant. The researchers who have named her Flavia, fear that she has been subjected to physical abuse by a rather grotesque octopus, who resides in the south-west, 700 ft under the water level. Researchers want to help her fight this mental trauma & also file a case against the south-west octopus.

Pls fwd this mail to each & every soul who cares for the social rights of living beings on this earth. Barbie–Aqua Inc will be donating$5 for every person that the mail is being fwd to.

No! I didn’t fwd. Instead, wished I was Pregnant, with that kind of money at stake.


A B O U T    C H A I N     M A I L S

I Know you wouldn’t have received Flavia’s mail [coz I just made it & haven’t posted it so far]. By & large, chain mails can be categorized into the following slots:

Phoney Alerts esp Virus:This mail indicates gory virtues of a demonic virus, which can destroy your hard disk even when the machine is not on. A recent one would have even asked you to delete a Java debug file in the name of it being a virus residue.

My Thoughts: When in doubt, refer for any info on viruses.

Humanitarian Causes:These mails pour out the depressions of a woman in a remote village who has been killed because people around thought she was a ghost OR victims of a land mine disaster OR a young girl who is having cancer & has only 5 days to live OR about Pregnant Flavias! The heart with in you, pops out in its magnanimous glory, pushes your mouse to the Forward icon, and makes you click there.

My Thoughts: If fwdng a mail can help Flavia or land mine victims, then I believe medical professionals & lawyers can quit their jobs. Instead they can do a short term course on Internet [rather than lengthy years of securing a Medical or Law degree] browsing & start emailing their *cases to the world. With every fwd, the patient feels better & recovers.

If you believe this can happen, Pls contact me, I will give you a database of 7869 people, to whom you can fwd such mails. After all Flavia needs your help.

Luck Chain:Most common, the one which really psyches people into submitting themselves to become superstitious & fwd such mails. So you have a Chinese Mantra which can make your phone ring mysteriously right after you clicked the fwd button. Or you have a photo of Jesus or Tirupati Balaji which if fwd to x no. of people will grant you one wish.

My Thoughts: **First, I think MTNL can destroy all their satellites, cables, infrastructure & start using the Chinese mantra. Atleast the phone WILL ring. Also, I feel the Genie is better than Jesus or Tirupati Balaji. The Genie atleast grants me 3 wishes.

I particularly remember a mail I got from my friend who sent a Jesus photo as an attchmnt with a God’s Love Message & a footnote which said  ‘If you love Him, Fwd His love to 10 ppl within 24 hrs ….blah blah’.  I sent her back a reply, attchng my own photo, with a footnote ‘If you Love him, make him your wallpaper’

H O W   T O   H A N D L E    C H A I N    M A I L S  

While SPAM filters take care of those Cash in Casino & Mate your Date mails, Chain mails unfortunately are passed by the filters, since they are from your own distribution list, your own friends, who have succumbed to the whims of its superstition. While pressure & belief of the occult, makes you fwd such mails, a more sensible action is to delete those mails. However, the MOST sensible action is to REPLY TO ALL those mails. As the Loin says in Bollywood* Loha Lohe ko Khat tha hai*. Trust me, you can also treat yourself to amazing chunks of entertainment while replying.

Let me give you some sample replies which you can use depending on the kind of mail that you get.

REPLY 1: *Hi Everybody. I committed the ghastly mistake of deleting the Tibetan Mantra when I had received it 5 days back. As indicated, disaster struck me. I was knocked down by a raging truck & instantly spelt dead. I managed to find a PIII with a 512 Bandwidth here in Hell after 2 days of haunting search & the first thing that hit me was to warn you about the consequences of disobeying the Tibetan Mantra. Pls don’t allow yourself to be victims of laziness & false belief like me. Fwd the Tibetan mantra to 10 people within 24 hours & if possible remove the Delete key from your keyboard.

BTW, Hell is absolutely exotic, lush green, & I have most of the Playboy models for company here. On second thots, I think I did a wise thing, by deleting the Tibetan Mantra. It would have been a sin, if I had missed this great hell-sent opportunity.

REPLY 2: *Just got a call from Bill Gates. He informs me that Im the winner of that ‘fwd the MS email’ contest & I have already accrued$14, 890, 789 in my kitty. [that also is the number of people to whom I fwd the chain]. He insisted that he was extremely overawed by my performance & decided to keep only one winner & that’s me. Friends, so stop fwding that mail & instead start sending me ideas on how to use this money. Every good idea that you send will be rewarded$5.

BTW, if you are from the Income Tax Department, Pls note that this mail is a SPAM & not true. Others……you can do as directed before.

REPLY 3: *Friends, this is something I need to share with you. I called that female who was tortured by her tribe for allegedly possessing supernatural powers. Her name is Sczhklokva Alexandria, but speaks good & clear English. I called her with the intention of helping her. But was shocked by her reply. She assured me that she is capable of handling the tribe on her own. Instead she quipped, if I was really keen on helping such victims, then I should be looking into my own country for such incidents. Friends, while I appreciate that you have taken great pains to promote the cause of Sczhklokva Alexandria, I would strongly urge you to exhume some national cases which deserve our immediate attention.

How about each one of us starting with our own respective houses? Do we respect our parents? Do we trust our neighbors? Do we respect our society? Do we respect our Country? Once we are thru with this, I can think we can definitely go ahead & help many more Alexandrias.

T H E    L A S T   W O R D

In case you still like fwding such mails, Pls atleast ensure that you remove the ‘>’ signs & also remove the series of names from its header. Pls change the subject line to clearly indicate whether the mail is about a Microsoft offer or Land mine victim or about Flavia.

And N O W ….

If you rate HR & Comment: God will personally schedule an appointment with you, and explain why he grants only one wish. Also, he will grant one wish for you.

If you Rate anything else: The CD drive door of your PC will automatically open, a big muscular hand will come out from there, give you the whack of your life.

PS: Save Flavia…… She requires you.

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