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38%
2.31 

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Life is a Football Match
Jul 29, 2004 05:40 PM 10335 Views
(Updated Jul 29, 2004 05:45 PM)

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On Discovery Channel, I recently saw a rather well made documentary on the developing maternal instincts of nesting female penguins. This documentary validated a study by Sparks and Spoker (1987), highlighting that while incubating her eggs, the female penguin, if she feels her nesting area being intruded by unwanted predators or such irksome nuisances, flaps about her fore limbs vigorously, making incoherent noises.


This struck me as strikingly similar to something else that I had seen many moons ago. It was exactly how Shahrukh Khan, deals with Salman Khan in a famous scene from Hum Tumhare Hain Sanam, when after silently fretting to himself, he finally confronts Salman Khan alleging him of having an affair with his wife Madhuri Dixit. Very much like a female penguin protecting her nesting area.


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An enterprise everyone associated with would love to forget, around six years in the making, by the manner they went about in the movie, clearly Madhuri and Salman were simply not interested. So the massive responsibility of running the show fell on SRKs gamin shoulders, which probably was so stressful, there almost isn?t a single scene where he doesn?t jerk his shoulders.


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A rare and beautiful treatise on marital discord


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Penguin (SRK) marries Fatty (Madhuri). She was a childhood friend with an orphan child (Salman Khan) who grows up to become a Singer. Due to his unfortunate choice of profession, we are subjected to a plethora of nauseating stage shows and extremely tacky song and dance numbers featuring a bored, disinterested, and balding Salman Khan.


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To liven up otherwise routine and humdrum sex, Fatty and Penguin give it an innovative code word:-




  • ?FOOTBALL?




Whenever either wants to initiate bedroom proceedings, they simply say, ?I want to play football? and start scoring. Though they have this exotic code for it, football matches don?t necessarily take place frequently in this bedroom (that isn?t really a nice sign for a newly wed couple).


There are reasons:-


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a) Even long after attaining sexual maturity, both Fatty and Singer are innocently, platonically, and untouchably friends with each other. Fatty almost mollycoddles Singer over everything, something that Penguin can?t digest.


b) Whenever JP (Jealous Penguin) returns home, Fatty is busy yakking away on the phone with Singer. At night, whenever JP wants to conduct a football match, Fatty deflates the football by discussing Singer, Singer and Singer.


c) On a particularly conducive night for football, JP is busy getting Fatty ready for the match, but to put a spanner in the wheel, Singer calls up and complains to Fatty that he has loose motions. Futilely, JP nudges and caresses Fatty, alas she is too preoccupied giving Singer instructions over the phone on how to treat his runs and she chides JP with something like, ?Rukko!! Ek toh usko julaab hai? (?aur tumhe football khelna hai?)


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Such incidents and interruptions takes its toll on JP who explodes and the fun begins. Summarily putting an end to all Football Matches with Fatty, now when she wants to hold a friendly match, JP goes ?I don?t want to play football, not volleyball, nor basketball. I have a headache.?


Deprived, of love, attention, care, respect and Football Matches, Fatty packs up her bags and leaves. Left alone, JPs behaviour takes a turn for the worse:-


~ His office staff start watching his madness with their jaws open, he yells at them, ?Kya dekh rahe ho? Main kya koi joker hun?? (truer words were never said)


~ A married lady, whom JP gives a lecture on marital fidelity when she is cootchie cooing with someone other than her husband, asks him who the hell was he, he answers,


?Main ek pati hun, I?m a h-h-husband, I?m a h-h-husband?


~ He gets drunk and starts talking to statues of horses (I pass out laughing each time I see it)


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Matters are now left to the Singer to be sorted out, who after a lot of fruitless pleading with JP to take Fatty back and resume healthy football matches with her, puts all suspicions to rest suddenly conjures a blind fiancé (the terrifyingly bad football player, Aishwarya Rai, you can?t make out her blindness until she admits it)


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Hum Tumhare Hain Sanam directed by debutante KS Adhiyaamann (nice name, a director whose next venture we have been eagerly awaiting ever since, and if all goes well, we?ll be left waiting till eternity) and produced by the legendary K.C. Bokadia, traces some typical origins of marital discord, the misunderstandings and their repercussions.


What I learnt from Hum Tumhaare Hain Sanam - Five Vital Marriage Saving Tips:-


a) People in place of Fatty must realize that mooning over an old friend can render a husband extremely jealous, and as a result diminish his interest in football.


b) Husbands should realize that a wife cannot simply break ties with her childhood friends in a jiffy. Before taking any drastic steps, at least find out if they were just friends or ex-football players.


c) Either member of the marital unit must not accept phone calls of their old friends complaining about their loose motions, when your spouse wants to play football.


d) Whatever be its reason, its intensity, the fight must not be allowed to take its toll on football matches.


e) One must not just stick to routine and mundane football matches only, one should be experimental and delve into volleyball, basketball, throwball, and handball now and then.


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Other members of the cast


Atul Agnihotri:- Fattys baby bro, with an Amitabh hangover. Its hilarious to see someone not worth imitating Satyen Kapoo, imitate AB. He likes Penguin?s baby sis, but is told to stay away from her.


Suman Ranganathan:- Penguin?s baby sis. She has always come across as an excellent football player. But it doesn?t really help much being told not to have a match with her. I pity Atul Agnihotri.


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There is so much of SRK happening in this movie, for me it is undoubtedly his BEST performance ever. Besides possessing the body language of nesting penguins, and making many myriad faces made within a matter of 5- 6 seconds, his attitude in this movie reminded me of my 8th std English grammar teacher when she discovered that I made an error in my sentence construction. I strongly recommend the purchase of this DVD/VCD, if you want to spend some time laughing hysterically at SRK (it is a good hobby to cultivate, give it a try)


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