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My Fiftieth Review Of Yak-Yak Nonsense ...
Dec 12, 2003 12:37 AM 2370 Views
(Updated Dec 12, 2003 12:42 AM)

11th December - a day which I decided to write in golden letters. However, a visit to the goldsmith made me realise that gold would be too expensive a proposition and so, I decided to compromise and use black ink instead. But then, the Sindhi I am, I didn't feel like spending even 10 bucks on a pen and so, I typed the above date in Microsoft Word!


So what's so special about this date? Not one, but two reasons .


Speaking of dates, thousands of years ago, Shahjahan, on this date, presented his date Mumtaz with a bunch of dates. But then, that's outdated. I digress.


We were talking about the reason why the 11th of December is special. Go to see, a date is always special if I have posted a review on MS. All right, now you know why I am called Mr. Swollen Head!


All right, let me give you a clue. The reason why this day is so special is the antonym of the only certain thing in life. And no, the certain thing which I am talking about is not the event of SRK stuttering away to glory. I am talking of death.


Speaking of death, the other day, I saw this ethereal piece of sin near my college, who made me clutch my heart and fall on my knees. I suffered a massive heart attack, and by heart attack, I do NOT mean a cardiac arrest. I am talking about the feeling you get when you want to kneel on the floor, do push-ups and slide forward, singing, 'Maar dala . maar daala.' But then, Mein Madhuri Dikshit nahin Banna Chahta Hoon!


Umm, ever heard of deathdays? No folks, there is no need to give whoops of joy and throw parties. It is (fortunately for me, and unfortunately for other MS members) NOT my deathday. Instead, it's my birthday. And it's a double celebration time as this is the 50th time that Mr. Nikamma has written the opening paragraphs of his review on something that's totally off-topic!


~


Fifty reviews . it's party time, and you are invited .!


~


When I hear the word'party', the first image that flashes across my mind is an illiterate bumpkin, throwing a chairs in the Parliament. But there is no need to worry. I am not inviting you to join a political party, so there is no need to flunk your exams .


Since I am throwing one(party, not chair), it means that Mr. Nikamma is your host. However, on looking into the mirror, I think that instead of'host', the term'ghost' would be more appropriate for me .


So you wanna be a(g)host?


The easiest way to look like a perfect ghost(female) would be to wear a Tusshar Kapoor mask.


And the easiest way to be the perfect host, let me offer you five tips. Do not worry, I am not violating any copyright laws, I have taken due permission from the Taurani brothers to offer you tips


-


Tip # 1: KITNE AADMI THE?


Gabbar Singh has undoubtedly been the most memorable character in Bollywood. Such was the impact of his character that even doctors are influenced by him. The other day, when I went to the doctor, complaining of a stomach ache, he asked me what I had eaten in the past two days. I rattled off a reply which included 27 dishes and 7 beverages(including Capucinno mixed with Sprite). The doctor handed over to me a few tablets and began to laugh maniacally.


'Ab . goli kha .'


By uttering'Kitne aadmi the?', I did not mean that you start counting India's population. What I meant is you must first note down properly:




  • How many people are(un)lucky enough to be invited to your party?




  • How many have confirmed that they are greedy enough to hog at your expense?






and




  • How many are going to keep you on tenterhooks until the last moment?




Depending on the above factors, you can decide the venue of your party, whether you have enough space to chill out at home, or you would rather go for a quiet meal, or to a rocking discotheque. Knowing how many friends are going to come also helps you to decide how many tablets of Vitamin M(money) to consume, and how many return-gifts to buy, if you are throwing a party for the bachcha-party.


-


Tip # 2: KAMZOR KADI KAUN?


Be a mazboot kadi i.e. be a strong link and stop your friends from glaring at each other like Vachpayee and Musharraf. Remember, all your friends may not necessarily know each other and you are the only person whom everybody has the misfortune of knowing. Get the introductions done and bring up their topics of common interest, so that they can get talking.


You could also play Cupid by introducing the guys and girls to each other and leaving them alone after that, to let me know each other better. Don't forget to this if I am one of the guys you have invited!


-


Tip # 3: IT'S THE TIME TO DISCO!


No, I am not telling you to get drunk and stare at the waiter and drawl,


'Kya yeh Mohammed Ali hai?'


But, if your party is not just a quiet meal, you better throw in some good music. Knowing your friends' music tastes can be handy - though playing a combo of music of all genres would be best. Just a couple of suggestions, do not invite Sushma Seth and her cult(of Kal Ho Na Ho notoriety). And please do not play Chadti Jawani, unless your female friends have attractive posteriors .


-


Tip # 4: ZINDAGI MEIN SIRF DO CHEEZ HAIN - GAANA . AUR KHAANA!


There are two possibilities when rats runs in your stomach - either you are turning into a cat . and if that's not the case, it means that you are famished! Food can vary, depending upon the occasion and your budget - though Chinese is always a hot favourite! Try to find out how many of your friends eat vegetarian food and how many eat meat (and also how many eat your head .) If you are eating out, try to order dishes which you yourself have tried before, so that you can be assured of their taste and quality.


-


Tip # 5: PURAB HOSTS [V] CRUSH . SO YOU BETTER BRUSH!


No, I am not telling you to brush your shoes with Cherry Blossom, though that wouldn't be a bad idea, unless you are Jeetendra and prefer wearing white shoes!


If you have invited your oh-so-special crush, do remember to brush(your teeth) and flash those pearls. Smile and make everyone feel at home because a smile can light up anyone's day . unless you are Nana Patekar or Small Wonder's Harriet Brindel!


-


Have deliberately tried to change my style of writing for this piece, and am not completely satisfied with the result myself, yet, I would love to know what you thought about it .


Fifty Reviews! God, it's been a long and mango-orange time . er . fruitful time, I mean! Although I will write fewer reviews now(due to my impending Board Examinations), I am sorry to inform everybody that the reviews will continue as they are - stupid attempts at being funny and ending up as yak-yak nonsensical pieces! Here's hoping that I receive 50 comments on my 50th review .!


Happy Butt Day . Er . Birthday To Me!


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