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Juggernaut's Guide to Basic Partying Techniques- I
Oct 28, 2004 09:40 PM 2313 Views
(Updated Oct 28, 2004 09:43 PM)

==?HO! Just when I thought things can?t get any better! I found myself shouting without any warning or intention. It was as though someone had punctured an opening through my throat and connected it to a ten-thousand-watt output device. What followed was terrible!


?What brings you here, on this fine evening, to my humble abode??


The two elegantly dressed, beautiful young ladies standing in front of me, nonplussed and apparently windswept, made a face as though they?d walked through a latrine currently in use.


?Your invitation, ? spat one of them. ==


Being a good host is not an easy thing at all, as my experience taught me the very instant my first guests arrived. In fact, being a good host is phenomenally difficult. Your sincere efforts at entertaining your guests could end up looking like an indirect and diplomatic confession of your deportation to the nearby padded facility, if things work out in a not-so-favorable manner. Or may be, you could end up creating an impression as though you?ve been recently relieved from a similar service. Of course, unfortunately, to further your guests? wrong belief, you have the unnecessarily suggestive coincidence that your chefs wear conspicuous-looking white aprons.


To distinguish between good hospitality techniques and bad hospitality techniques is very much like distinguishing between someone?s brain and bum. Both have lobes?one to the left and the other to the right. The question is: which is which? I attempted, tried, labored and endeavored to learn out of experience the ideal ways of being a good host. In my quest for knowledge from practice, I earned many lessons and epithets. I will, of course, share only the lessons here. However, before you read them, you must know this. Since I am not a good host myself, I cannot tell you how to be one. I will content myself to telling you what must forever be avoided?


== The Reception ==


A lot depends on how you welcome your guest. First of all, your welcome is your signature of warmth and care for your guest. It had better be made clearly and in an emphatic fashion. However?


Everyone knows the best way to receive a guest is to shake hands or hold them in a cordial hug. However, there are a few lines that people tend to say which should never be uttered while giving a hug to your guest?


In case he?s a gentleman?


One


?Welcome! Give your soul mate a hug, oh I feel so warm in your arms!?


(Remember, when I write it?s usually a man talking? so you get my point?)


Two


?Hey, there?? says the male host as he hugs his male guest. ?Of course, that hug was in the complete non-Kantaben sense, just in case??


Three


?If you don?t hug me, you?re missing something.?


Gosh, that would sound nasty.


And in case it?s a lady?


One


?If you don?t hug me, you?re really missing something great.?


Two


?Just once, please, just once!?


Three


?Did someone turn off the water pump??


# # #


== Showing Them Around ==


It is important to show your guests around your house or wherever you?re hosting them to make them feel at home and comfortable. They might need to use a telephone urgently, or the bathroom, and in either case it could be embarrassing to ask loudly where to find one. Letting them know beforehand is therefore a smart idea.


The first principle to remember here is this. It is reasonable to assume that your guests do not hail from an obscure East African river basin. They do know that the sofa is a sofa and not a horribly constructed community potty seat.


It is also reasonable to assume that they know how to sit on it and that while they are trying to sit on it, they would prefer the sofa to be stationary. To my complete astonishment, a guest of mine throttled me to a side in as polite and polished a manner as he could before sitting down on the couch on that fateful evening we began this review with. He briefed me with the fact that the appendages dangling to his shoulders were hands. He also told me that if he found the position of the sofa unsuitable, he would make full use of them. Of course, it was all very well said. I looked less like a bathing ape than I had imagined.


For dinnertime, I think I must begin with briefing you about a certain reasonable assumption, which is this. Your guests do probably know that the disc of china before them is their plate, the bifurcated metal instrument is a fork, the round and oval instrument with a handle is a spoon and the concoctions in the collectors before them are food, unless otherwise stated. It would be particularly ghastly if a guest were to serve himself a nice helping of paper napkins right beside a good helping of vegetable augratin. This, of course, one has to leave to fate. Holding out sheets of paper and telling them its paper is like making the aforementioned diplomatic confession.


It is advisable to refrain from offering a second helping too soon after the guest has begun savoring his first morsel. It is also advisable to not take a second helping so soon yourself, if you are dining along with them at the same time. Also, I would like to suggest that the host refrain from making any pleasant conversations involving the digestive system; especially the brain. I?m sorry, the other thing? it does confuse me at times?


Furthermore, your guests would appreciate if, when they ask for a washbasin, you show them the way and not be so particular as to explain the operation of every faucet. Usually people who want to use a washbasin wish to indulge in peculiar activities. It will also be extremely polite if you leave them to it and not stand behind them to explain how the liquid soap works.


== Introducing Guests to Each Other ==


It often happens that you invite people for a party or a get-together, but not all of your guests know each other. A good host will introduce them to each other so that the party livens up a little. Also, that creates a better impression?after all the party is for the guests and not for you!


The worst ways to do this can again be demonstrated with actual dialogue tools alone. So once more, I come to relating disastrous introductions for you to learn something from them.


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