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An Evening at Moti Billi's
Apr 17, 2003 04:18 AM 4488 Views
(Updated Apr 17, 2003 04:24 AM)

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''I can't hear you because I can't see.''


-- G.W. Bush from Journeys With George by Alexandra Pelosi, debuted on HBO Nov. 5, 2002


Last weekend I got a call from the Moti Billi of Massachusetts. It seemed that Moti Billi’s personal space had been targeted upon by some unscrupulous characters in his computer. For every time he connected to the net, a strange pop up window would of course pop up and declare – “Aati kya …Khandala? Fly orbitz from Boston to Khandala!” It was time to summon the services of Mota Sherr he decided. Upon receiving the call from Moti Billi, I dragged myself out of the town and promptly arrived at Moti Billi’s place. First things I noticed about Moti Billi’s place was the pungent smell of Andhra pickles; “must steal some before I go” me thought and made towards his computer room.


Moti Billi lamented – “Mota Sherr, only you can help me now! I am troubled from my tan, man and dhan by these horrible pop up ads. Tell me O Mota Sherr, how the hell do they come to know so much about me, what I do, why even my email address too. You know Mota Sherr, once I also got an offer to join a travel club and got my 100 $ wasted. Sherr, tell me please what is happening to my computer!”


Mota Sherr is of course well prepared for such questions. After all this is his daily deer and zebra. Mota began – “You see Moti Billi, you have become to target of most unscrupulous organism of computer world – Adware-osis. This organism sits on everyone’s computer, scans what you do, and then smartly sends good amount of data across the net! It’s a highly contagious organism Billi, for it can invite its friends too to stay with it. Soon enough, you will have created a monster with that organism. You know what it will do Moti Billi (Moti Billi shivered) – it will make sure that your every email id is spammed. It will invite spyware-osis and its brother Trojan-osis to sit on your computer. Together they will invade you, fool you, masquerade as you, and finally share your photos of all the Bollywood patli Billis you have stored on your computer!”


Moti Billi horrified, petrified, spoke –“You have to save me now. What should I do Mota Sherr?”


“First of all stop calling me ‘mota’” I said. “And then secondly, do the smart thing. Go and do a google search for a spray named Ad-aware 6.0. When you find it, download the spray and get ready – easy eh. You do that, while I take a look at your kitchen Moti Billi, for who knows that organism might have come there!”


After a while, I heard a voice –“ Sherr, Sherr raja, O Sherr raja, please come here and tell me what this thing does”. Flattered, I responded to Moti Billi –“ See, this is another kind of spray. You know to kill organisms you need spray. This is one of them. It will search every nook and corner of your hard drive, and drive out those organisms. It will make sure that every one of those organisms causing havoc in your life are treated properly.”


“But there are so many things there” Moti Billi ranted “What should I do”.


“For starters, just go through the spray. Just make sure you know what you are doing. Sprays can often be dangerous you know Billi – they can take good organisms too with them. You have to be careful!” I continued “If you are in a hurry Moti Billi, then just set the spray on to quick check mode, and you will eliminate those small organisms quickly. However if you have the large ones which know how to disappear or masquerade as some application then you will have to use strong setting of the spray. You have to make sure your spray checks every nook and corner of your drive Moti Billi otherwise you are doomed”


“But I don’t want to make my computer slow – Moti Billi don’t like slow computers” Billi said.


“Don’t worry, the spray is quick and simple. It won’t poison any other stuff which you may be doing. It’s a quick spray Billi, all it does is spray and go! But remember one thing Moti Billi – this spray’s formula is known to adware-osis. It knows that this spray is able to kill it, hence it knows how to change with time. You too have to go and download latest spray to kill every new kid on the sector – otherwise you are what?” “ I am doomed I know” Moti Billi quipped.


“What else can I do with it. Does it all also kill spyware-osis. Now that you mention, does it also kill the kazaa-osis organism?”


“Of course it does kill kazaa-osis” Sherr says “ but not spyware-osis. You see Moti Billi just like there are different sprays for roaches and mosquitoes, so is it for adware-osis and spyware-osis. What you can do more with ad-ware is remove only adware-osis, plus, if you chose to pay money Moti Billi, you can make it keep a watch on further adware-osis for you. If you dear your data Billi, you better get the better spray Billi, else this one will do”


“Sherr, Sherr, mere Yerr..Yaar you have been so kind to me! Tell me how I should ensure that my computer doesn’t get that organism again! Tell me oh great Sherr…O mot- mere Sherr!”


“bus bus Moti Billi, I know you. Unless you offer me a pound of your pickle, I am not going to tell anything more” I said


Moti Billi made a dash for the kitchen (heck, where was the pickle) and came back “here is your pickle, Sherr, I knew you would ask for it”.


“Why did I not see it when I went there” I asked angrily to which Moti Billi merrily replied –“ You didn’t look at the obvious place Sherr…You looked under the fridge, under the sink, over the shelf, in the cup-board, but you could have seen what was on the table!” (so Moti Billi had followed me inside it seemed).


“Thanks” I accepted the pickle and quickly changed the subject “To avail complete protection from the organism, you need to always update the spray once in month. Plus, don’t forget to spray it every week. For added protect protection I also suggest that you get its friend along….it comes free too…do get the Spydor spray. If you use both of them together, then I assure you all the xupiter-osis and hotbar-sis organisms will die”


“Thank you Mota Sherr” Moti Billi grinned! “mota nahi bolne kaa na” I shimmered!


“Whom are you deceiving” Moti Billi said “why even the latest ghayab aaya Spook Sherr looks thinner than you! On second thoughts, you shouldn’t have that pickle. You will become more mota – here lemme take it back”


“NO WAY” I said and ran, Moti Billi chased. There was no way in this world Moti Billi would get that pickle from me! Later when I was on road still running away, I saw Moti Billi at his door smiling graciously and happily.


“Moti Billi did it again” I thought “yet again he has made me run for my life! The next time I won’t spare him!” I left the place and came back. Currently Mota Sherr is feeding day and night in and out on the pickle. Must say they are great! Sllurrrrrrrrp! Once in a while trip to Moti Billi’s place can be very yummy experience.


''I understand that the unrest in the Middle East creates unrest throughout the region.''


--George Bush, March 13th, 2000, Washington, D.C. (err…which other region exist in middle east?)


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