Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.

When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling,

'You Sign! You sign!'

Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.

Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder,

'You Sign! You sign!'

Nelson says to him, 'Look, you've obviously got the wrong man', and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again.

When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads.

He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling,

'You sign! You sign!'

Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting:

'Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!' Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again.

On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting,

'You sign! You sign!'

Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.

This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little Man by his shirt front and yells at him:

'Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?'

The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:



(It's a beauty)



(Wait for it)



(Get your best Chinese accent ready)













'You not Nissan Main Deala?'

'I believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberties than standing armies. If the American people ever allow private banks to control the issue of their currency, first by inflation, then by deflation, the banks and corporations that will grow up around the banks, will deprive the people of all property until their children wake-up homeless on the continent their fathers conquered.'
Thomas Jefferson 1802

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
Somehow I feel better, even though I have it!!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,
Put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
And notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back
On the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think,
Since I'm going to be near the mailbox
When I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,
And see that there is only one check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
So I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the cup of coffee I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks,
But first I need to push the Coffee aside
So that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Coffee is getting cold,
And I decide to make another cup.

As I head toward the kitchen with the cold coffee,
A vase of flowers on the counter
Catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Coffee on the counter and
Discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk,
But first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter,
Fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
But I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
But first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,
But quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,
Get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to
Remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

The car isn't washed

The bills aren't paid

There is a cold cup of coffee sitting on the counter

The flowers don't have enough water,

There is still only 1 check in my check book,

I can't find the remote,

I can't find my glasses,

And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day,
And I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,
And I'll try to get some help for it,
But first I'll check my e-mail....

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!

An aboriginal elder was asked about his prediction for the coming winter. Unfortunately the elder hadn`t been taught by the previous elders about weather forecasting, as he had been at boarding school in Brisbane.
To save face he rang the Weather Bureau, they said it was going to be cold, so he told the tribe to gather wood for fires to keep warm.
A few days later he rang again to check; they said it was indeed going to be a very cold Winter, so he sent the tribe out to gather more wood. He rang again a few days later, and they confirmed that it was indeed going to be a servere Winter, so he sent the tribe out again to gather even more wood.
After a while he rang to ask how they knew that it was going to be so cold, the chap replied that their satellite had observed the aborigines gathering a lot wood, and this was a sure sign that it was going to be a severe Winter.

Staff Warning - Swearing at Work

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the organisationhave been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their colleagues.

Due to complaints received from some employees who have been easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues.


Therefore, a list of 13 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

1.

Try Saying:

I think you could do with more training

Instead Of:

You don't have a f***ing clue, do you?

2.

Try Saying:

She's an aggressive go-getter.

Instead Of:

She's a f***ing power-crazy b*tch

3.

Try Saying:

Perhaps I can work late

Instead Of:

And when the f*** do you expect me to do this?

4.

Try Saying:

I'm certain that isn't feasible

Instead Of:

F*** off a*se- hole

5.

Try Saying:

Really?

Instead Of:

Well f*** me backwards with a telegraph pole

6.

Try Saying:

Perhaps you should check with...

Instead Of:

Tell someone who gives a f***.

7.

Try Saying:

I wasn't involved in the project.

Instead Of:

Not my f***ing problem.

8.

Try Saying:

That's interesting.

Instead Of:

What the f***?

9.

Try Saying:

I'm not sure this can be implemented
within the given timescale.

Instead Of:

No f***ing chance mate.

10.

Try Saying:

It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in

Instead Of:

Why the f*** didn't you tell me that yesterday?

11.

Try Saying:

He's not familiar with the issues

Instead Of:

He's got his head up his f***ing a*se.

12.

Try Saying:

Excuse me, sir?

Instead Of:

Oi, f*** face.

3.

Try Saying:

Of course, I was only going
to be at home anyway

Instead Of:

Yeah, who needs f***ing holidays anyway.

My love is cruel as the night
She steals the sun, and shuts out the light
All of my colors, they turn to blue
Win or lose

She does it slow dancing
Slow dancing
She does it slow...dancing
All night long

Scarlet eyes and a see-through heart
She saw me coming right from the start
She picked me up, but had me down on my knees
Just a' beggin' her, beggin' her please

Take me slow dancing
Slow dancing
She took me slow...dancing
All night long

And I don't know why a man
Search for himself in his lover's eyes
No I don't know why a man
Sees the truth but needs the lies

My love is restless as the wind
She moves like a shadow across my skin
She left with my conscience, I don't want it back
It just gets in the way

If you wanna go slow dancing
Slow dancing
She took me slow...dancing
All night long

Slow...dancing
Slow...dancing
Slow...

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car

and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license.

She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square compact mirror in her purse, looked at

it and handed it to the policewoman.

"Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then

handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a

cop."

Spectacular photography.You never know whats out there!!

Imagine this.... You are working the night shift on a drilling rig in West Texas, south of the small town of Ft Stockton. It is very dark and there have been thunderstorms in the area. The only lights in the area are those on the drilling rig and some faint red glows from a near-by radio tower. You begin to wonder where that freight train sound is coming from since there are no tracks near the rig. A friendly bolt of lightning gives you the answer....One you may not have wanted to know. Remember that these monsters frequently happen at night.

For those who have sons & those who are happy that they don't..

And you also find out interesting things when you have sons, like:-

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 200 m^2 house

to a depth of 10 cm.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust balls and run over them with

roller blades, they can ignite.

3.. A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded

restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not

strong enough to rotate a 20 Kg boy wearing Batman underwear and a

Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can,

to spread paint on all four walls of a 6m x 6m room.

5. You should not throw cricket balls up when the ceiling fan is on.

When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a

few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a cricket ball

a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-glazed) doesn't stop a cricket

ball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh', it's

already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with bleach makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though

a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies,

10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-

year old Boy.

11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how many jelly crystals you put in a swimming pool you

still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like jelly crystals.

15. VCR's do not eject 'BL&T' sandwiches even though TV commercials

show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in petrol tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that smell is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do

not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Brisbane, Qld, has a 5-minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms

dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with

or without kids.

80% of Men who read this will try mixing the bleach and brake fluid.

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog forcompany. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went tothe parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog isdead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?