It's FE's Birthday Today. What better way to celebrate the afternoon and the evening today than to have a bash at OM Towers which I specially endeavoured to erect in FE's honour.

Yes, we do have a theme...Lets say....we are having a beauty pageant at OM Tower. Lets call it the Fumina - Mess India Contest. So pull up your pantaloons and get going. Here are five questions which I am putting across to you. These questions have been carefully selected to judge the limits of wierdness of the participants. Come up with your answers. You are of course free to put your own questions too. We shall try to contact the contestants for the answers!

1. Describe the special features of inner beauty in less than one sentence.

2. Whom do you love more...your boyfriend or your dog? And why?

3. What do you have to say about Men's fairness creams?

4. What would you prefer - hot looks, great brains or a fat purse?

5. Your idea of Superman's costume.

I hope all future contestants of Mess India Contests find this post extremely useful...I hope you get the hint :)

Throw up :D

Jaipur is all dug up these days. Nearly a dozen cars and bikes are excavated each morning from the trenches cut by the roadsides, sometimes the drivers too are discovered there, all battered and bruised.

No wonder, When ARSS is at work, there's sure BUMpy roads ahead!

Dear Sir
Please find enclosed my application form for change of MS ID. My current Nome dé plume, which I consider to be no more than a ghastly cauliflower among exotic roses, a raucous crow among melodic nightingales or even a fat, lethargic and dim-witted gnu among a pack of lissom and sexy springbucks, has been a source of infinite embarrassment for me all these years. To be honest, I am utterly ashamed of my e-lineage. My ID was the unfortunate result of an awful indiscretion committed at the dead of the night right in my bedroom. That thrilling moment (I nearly quiver in excitement even now when I think of that romp), there were only the two of us locked eye to eye – that’s me and Mouthshut, with a flimsy laptop barely thrust in between (and offering no protection really). I admit that in my hurry to enjoy the delicious fruits of consensual union, I became reckless and negligent, and entirely forgot about using the standard precautions. Moreover, those were the heydays, I was terribly excited, and my lust blinded me (its true love now, by the way). See, I was young and inexperienced, and had no idea of the intricate mysteries of e-nonsensexuality, whatever that means. I wanted to create something phenomenal that began with ‘Su’, I even toyed for quite a while with  Su…Su…Su…, but when all my endeavours resulted in nothing more substantial than my going to the susu thrice in two hours, I gave up and settled for Sudipto33. 33 was the size of…no, not my waist…it was my age then. I am Sudipto_little_less_than_35 no
w, but that’s certainly not what I want my new ID to be. Well, it was not before long that I realised the magnitude of my blunder, but there was nothing that I could really do to retract that momentous lapse of August 2006.

Sir, the point I want to make here is that this is the story of a zillion young men and women, and maybe of an equal number of extraordinarily passionate middle aged and senior citizens who wish to throw off the agonizing burden of their insipid IDs, and emerge from the shadows of humiliation and ignominy in the form and shape of a new avatar. Its time we all collectively realised that a boring ID is nothing less than a national disgrace. It’s rather a matter of profound international concern. Let’s now resolve to make the world a better place by casting off those dull follies of uncultivated youth and slip into something that is posh, cool, progressive, and preferably environment friendly (like, say even in the worse case scenario, green_house_fart is a far better and interesting ID than sudipto33, sndaya or shyamnambiar).

There is no doubt in my moronic mind that this is a historic moment we are witnessing. The winds of change are evident.
Perestroika and Glasnost!
A moment delayed is a moment lost….
The time’s cometh to break the frost!
And all this comes for hardly any cost!!!

Its time the Management dons the mantle of the Pied Pepper and leads us out into the brave new world of crossover IDs. At the same time I exhort all my brethren (and sistren?) in MS to disclose their duplicate IDs voluntarily. Identity evasion is a worse crime than tax evasion. It’s really nastier than that obscene act you call Sudoku (like they say in the papers…xyz was abducted by three men and brutally sudokued for three hours!). Moreover, duplicate IDs are like black money. You can generate a lot of sh*t with a fake ID but can’t wash anything openly, or to your heart’s content. When the crisis comes, you won’t find even a small piece of tissue pepper to erase your posterity…I mean to erase your past. Trust me, such IDs usually have an extraordinarily short half life. Moreover, as a humungous member with a mammoth fan following claims, you can not remember all the passwords. Even I do not remember how many I have. I mean I do not remember how many IDs I have all along suspected of being duplicates!

Once again, I urge the Management here not to be distracted by statements delivered by elitist forces whose only wish is to remain exclusive. Why only the Madhuris, and why not the SriDevis, the Jayas, the Hemas, the Rekhas, the Dimples, the Helens and the Tuntuns of Mollywood? Who’s gonna listen to the sprayers …eaww! Yet again! I meant prayers….yes, who’s gonna listen to the prayers of us lesser mortals if not you…..??

There are so many exciting blue chip IDs lying around, waiting to be lapped up. Oye_chup, Disgruntled_brigand, soxx, snakegourd, winking_dude, Fullon(line)Devi (FE’s contri),  Dive_high, Poll_sb02, musicalslammer, Filter_pepper, Arch_rival, Aam_dummy, Same_name_beer, mb_fork, If_shown_lu, Stupido33, fondlingelephant, Yawn_gel25, Amma_sure_abe, Tree_viewer, Viki_pediatric, IQ_na_batata, Engine1969, Essen(tial)_diya, Feasable, par_ek_minor, bill_the_booze, JK47, Ilk_romp_zone, and_so_on...

Holi hai

Q: Please describe in brief the various causes and treatment of diary-aaa!
     
     ('in brief' means 'in short' and not the kind of brief woven out of cotton and elastic )......

The truth is finally out. MS is in the grip of the dreaded Word Flu epidemic. Word flu is a complicated form of Mouthshuttitis. If you recall, an exhaustive scientific research last year conclusively proved the existence of this malady of which we are currently experiencing an epidemic of gargantuan proportions. Members of the MS civilization, old or new, rickety or newly hatched, verbose or dumb, ladies or ladaas, angels an demons, CEOs or aam juntas, all are shaking with a feverish pitch of nervous excitement generated by this bizarre ailment!

Last week someone spread an awful rumour that flies were responsible for spreading this flu. Splat! Splat! Splat! Flies suddenly became an endangered species, literally at the risk of extermination! Then poor citizen Smiley (he’s so ill he has turned yellow!) became one of the first victims when his quirky zeal was ruthlessly peeled off by a livid ‘heels brigade’. According to informed sources, Smiley was ‘summer’ily skinned alive for an offence he probably didn’t intend to commit wilfully. Even the doc couldn’t do anything. Moreover he was too late in arriving at the scene of the massacre. Poor old Smiley. He was not immunised with the SW vaccine at the time of infection! In another spooky incident, external features of certain impressive profiles changed so mysteriously overnight that all the butterflies in the stomach had to run for cover hurriedly!

As per the latest reports, flu sufferers are seen thronging to thebest  philosophers, saints and chintan shivirs in large numbers.  Frankly, this Word Flu has sprung up some interesting therapies as well– most notably the famous (?) and long forgotten Amritanjan balm, the ever salubrious Zulum lotion and the rather pungent Tiger spray (don’t worry – its just the ‘pepper’ tiger – not the real one). Amritanjan, pronounced OMritanjan by certain Bongs, is still in quite short supply though. Some home remedies too have emerged ….like plenty of boiled-bejetables and smoked spike-gourd with a pinch of salt (and pepper of course…how can I forget to mention that!).  

We are missing Smiley's presence. Let's hope he's cured and gets back soon :)

Just a couple of days ago, an MS member archer_com_2000 wrote a beautiful review on self defence for women. She highlighted a novel and useful product called Cobra Spray in the review. A little bit of online research took me to a website www.cobraspray.com. I was startled to find that the FAQ section of the said website contained exactly the same paragraphs which were written by archer. Archer and cobraspray.com appeared to be united in their beliefs that salvation for women had finally arrived within their grasps. Not convinced? Check this out.

http://www.cobraspray.com/f
aq.htm

Had your laughs? Now its time for some bitter truths.

Oleoresin capsaicin is not that harmless a product as it is made out to be. Deaths have been reported following the use of this product. Over 70 in-custody deaths in the USA have involved the use of OC spray during arrest efforts. Death from OC spray is painful and terrible. It feels like two burning cigarettes have been pushed into your eyeballs. The victim becomes breathless and is at the risk of dying if not attended to immediately. UK is at present seriously considering banning OC sprays. The US Consumer Product Safety Commission has labelled OC spray as a hazardous substance under the Federal Hazardous Substance Act. Most of the western human rights bodies have categorically stated that OC spray should remain in the armamentarium of law enforcement and corrections officers only, that too with medical assistance by the side.

Self defence for women is a sensitive issue. Its really unfortunate that we all have dealt with this in a frivolous manner. God forbid if someone uses this product inadvertantly or in jest. Human life is at stake here.



Feb. 23, 2008  5.00 PM
Its good to see that Archer_com_2000 has researched the potentially lethal hazards of OC sprays. Here is Archer's own admission (in the reply section):

"Ok Sudipto, I checked out about the death and ban of pepper spray.
The deaths have been when police have sprayed culprits and made them lie on the floor on their back. The water from the nose got into the forhead and caused drowning like effect.
In UK its banned as it was misused by their police force.
In Canada, its sold against animal use only. But still people buy it for their saftey usage."


UK. A responsible nation. Its police force - The British Police and the Scotland Yard. Held guilty of MISUSING OC sprays against their OWN people. Get the point?


Now I think you have a balanced view. The final judgement is yours.

In the course of my work, I am often required to travel to exotic rural locales within Rajasthan. Far from feeling troubled, I find such trips exquisitely invigorating, and an excuse for escaping the unnerving stubbornness with which life has to be pursued within the concrete jungles of the metropolitan cities. The trips are actually extended medical excursions and mostly involve conducting surgical and free check up camps. This brings us across a vast intersection of the rank rural populace, and I am quite often stunned at the extent to which the offshoots of modern technology have affected their (what I thought until now) uncomplicated lives. Ramlal, whom I knew ever since he owned 15 bighas of farmland on the Jaipur – Delhi highway, became a multi millionaire overnight when he sold off his property to a developer a couple of years ago. Festooned in his white dhoti-kurta-pagdi garb, he met me last fortnight on a camp visit to his village, when he brought his large, extended and predominantly feminine family to the camp in his black AC Bolero for a free medical check up. It was nothing short of a glorious spectacle. Eleven women, lavishly bedecked in colourful lehenga cholis and heavy gold ornaments, tumbled out from all sides of the Bolero one after the other. The entourage, as I was told, consisted of Ramlal’s wife, his mother, mother in law, assorted maamis, bhabhis, mausis, nieces and other far and ‘wide’ relatives whom Ramlal had to oblige by getting them examined by a ‘shahar ki daaktarni’. Ramlal meanwhile has become a political cool dude of sorts since, having won and lost a few random elections, travelled to Delhi with the Power Minister in the ‘sarkari’ chopper on a couple of occasions and hosted a regional party rally which was rather well attended by those who habitually throw their weight around. As we chatted over a cup of tea (sugar, milk and tea broth actually), the ladies privately discussed their unending woes with the attending gynec in hushed tones. I don’t know why, but most rural women belonging to opulent, Ramlal type households are extraordinarily preoccupied with their weight, and any minuscule reduction (actual or imaginary) is instantly perceived as an unmistakable sign of impending catastrophe. So, in order to assuage their grave doubts, and to add to the success of the ‘camp’, the gynec had to prescribe gallons of iron and vitamin syrups to them.  During the chit chat, Ramlal told me that his two able sons were helping him in his business and he planned to gift each one a brand new ‘Nanu’. I was a little perplexed; as far as I knew, Nanus can’t be chosen. Just as you can’t choose your parents, you can’t choose your Naanus and Naanis. Ramlal cleared my confusion. ‘Arre….Ratanlal ji ka Nanu!’ He told me he had even chosen the colours. A yellow Nanu for the elder one and a red Nanu for the younger one. The two Nanus would cost him just 2.5 lacs. ‘Hum do…hamare do!’ I pondered in silence. India was soon going to become a Land of Two Nanus……