My name’s Skoda Octavia and I have the dubious pleasure of being a ‘single owner, lady driven’ set of wheels.
When 2 men and a woman walked in to look at me, I looked at those wearing the pants, and thought, “Hmm...nice executive types. I’m in for a cushy life.” I should have expected trouble when the woman did all the talking; after all the salwar is the Indian woman’s version of men’s pants!
Looks, Styling, Bells & Whistles -My relationship with the woman, whom I’ll call M from now, didn’t start off on a good note. “It doesn’t look exciting, ” she sneered. Hello, what did she want? A Porsche? My roots may be firmly planted in Eastern Europe, not exactly the fashion capital of the world, but I look pretty good for a 5 yr old. Sure the design is not flashy, but I’ve got good proportions and I’ve heard myself being described as being handsome. Spend just a few minutes with me, and you’ll find I’m built with a solid tank-like dependability, unlike a lot of the stylish tin-pots on the road.
On the inside I am a cool grey matt finish plastic which is rather neat really, unlike some who sport acres of shiny fake wood! My vital signs are discretely displayed with an instrument panel consisting of the usual tacho, speedo, fuel level indicator, and lights which show everything from whether your seat belt is fastened to whether your blood pressure is too high. I can also show you the time, the temperature, and how far you can drive on one teaspoon of diesel - very important with an owner like M who will squeeze every drop of my life‘s blood before she condescends to feed me.
My seats are cloth, not leather, but then at least M and her brood don’t have some poor beast’s blood on their conscience and they don’t have to peel their sticky thighs from my seats in summer.
I also come with a host of features, dials and meters that are supposed to make M’s life easy. If the vibes inside are icy, don’t worry, it’s got nothing to do with the effect of snooty personalities, it’s just my super efficient AC kicking in. I have plenty of storage space - on the sides of my doors, behind my front seats, a roomy dash, and a boot that you can practically sleep in! You can also play about with power windows, a neat music system, a steering wheel that adjusts to practically any position you want, central/remote locking, and seats that go up, down, front, back, and every position in between. Ermm...M just reminded me that I don’t have rear speakers and that my wiper/signal controls are the wrong way round. Sigh, picky women!
Ride & Handling- I like a confident touch, so if you are a virgin driver looking to hone your skills on me, forget it. Give me a smooth open highway, and I promise you a comfortable drive in which ever of my 5 gears you choose to put me. I hate drivers who slow down without having the sense to downshift. Be warned that if you drop me in the turbo lag zone, I’ll just stall.
Don’t be fooled by my somewhat staid (by M’s reckoning) executive type look; I have the innards of a speed-demon. Take another look at my speedometer and you’ll find it says 240kmph on the right. That numbers not there just for show. I’ve been known to leap from 0 to 60 in about 6 seconds and my ride feels good even at a hair raising 180kmph. Best of all you won’t feel like you’re pushing an old lady to a heart attack when you do this to me.
I’ll take you to the speed you want, in rain (my chunky radials and multi-speed wipers take care of that efficiently for you) or shine, with a firm grip on the road, and no unnecessary bottom wagging. I ride low, love corners (well, which real male doesn’t love curves) and even on roads that would make the driver want to stop and throw up, you won’t find a hint of roll in my ride.
M grumbles that with my low ground clearance I’ll hit anything on the road that’s bigger then a lemon, that my suspension could do with being a little less stiff and that on bad roads you feel the vibrations from every pot-hole all the way to your teeth, especially if you are in the back seat. I say it's her spine, not my suspension!
Did I tell you M is a sadist? She loves to scare her poor kids with quick starts and sudden stops - thank goodness for my super brakes, they allow me to take all of her nonsense and still keep my bumpers intact. Talking about safety, I’ve got driver and passenger airbags, and 3 seat-belts in the rear seats too. Great for fussy moms doing car-pool rounds.
Fuel Economy - I give between 9 & 11km in the city, with the AC on, and up to 18km on the highways. Fill me up with 60lt of diesel, and you can keep driving when others cars have stopped for two refills.
Everything Else - Beings M’s car hasn’t been easy. One time we got caught in a flood and I spent 45 mins in fast flowing, bonnet high water, doing my damnest to get her home safe, and I didn’t even grumble - it takes a boat to beat that! I get regularly driven up winding hilly roads, down sandy beaches and into walls and vehicles. She’s pushed me hard, and I’ve still got a lot of life in me.
So should you buy me? Well, I’m 5 years old, and even though I think I’m better than a lot of other cars of my class on the road today, if you are the kind who wants more style, neither I nor my siblings will set your heart racing with desire- I, of course, am retired (no puns intended there.) If you’re a ‘solid and reliable car’ type, look the Skoda way.
Life’s not bad at all when your owner loves you, and in-spite of driving me over pavements and allowing her kids to throw up in me, I know M loves me. Just don’t fall for that stupid line - single owner, lady driven...
