Topic of Today’s Lecture: Mouthshuttitis
(If you find it difficult to pronounce, the word may be broken up thus: mouth-shut-tight-ti*s, with the star mark being understandably
silent). However, since this is supposed to be a serious scientific monograph, the reader is expected to observe orderly behaviour while reading this analytic work.
Description: Mouthshuttitis (earlier known as word-of-mouthitis) is one of the queerest conditions to afflict human race. The risk of being infected even after one single unsafe exposure to a website called Mouthshut.com is reported to be exceptionally high. Unlike most other bamboozling syndromes prevalent in this part of the world, this singularly benign condition probably does not lead to serious health hazards like diarrhoea, pyorrhoea, haemorrhoids or morning sickness, though certain mushy mental and psychological consequences cannot entirely be ruled out. Discovered in Mumbai, India in the early part of 21st century, Mouthshuttitis quickly attempted to spread to many parts of the world, but nobody seems to have the foggiest idea why only India remains the most significant reservoir for this condition.
Mouthshuttitis generally afflicts perfectly insane individuals of the age group 20 to 50, sex, or the lack of it, being no bar. Exceptions merrily exist. Among humans, the following class of people are at an increased risk – alert consumers waylaid by cunning service providers (originally intended victims), urban Indian corporate employees / entrepreneurs / servicing men with overflowing IQs who seek intellectual catharsis to boost their creativity, brilliant bored-to-death bimbos looking for a quickie (of name and fame), homely housewives with insufferable cerebral hives, academics with a scholarly itch, impractical godforsaken docs and the like.
How does it spread: The Mouthshut bug, which thrives on a certain halo of recognition, first attracts its victims by shaking an abundance of delightful booties (including free air tickets, T shirts, mugs, DVDs and iPods). The bug then quickly gains access to the nervous system through the wide eyes of the subject, whereupon, and in no time, it disables the victims capacity to derive any satisfaction out of other A-to-Z rated sites. Most victims gain entry by transmutating into exotic names such as smellysox15, dfr3746, smear_nivea.4u, pinkpanty99, totteringrhinoceros etc. etc. Only a few manage to retain their original identities. Sometimes, the victims themselves send out invitations to lure poor and unsuspecting friends or relatives. Mouthshuttitis is not known to be transmitted sexually or by any other form of physical contact involving the mouth.
Symptoms: (1) The afflicted individual first begins to display wayward domestic behaviour including increased addiction to the computer screen which gradually worsens to downright stickiness.
(2) Each bloke who contracts mouthshuttitis is entitled to display his / her vital statistics on a template called the ‘profile page’. Reasonably enough, one of the earliest symptoms is the victims pervert propensity to ogle at the profiles of others with extraordinary eagerness.
(3) The victim, who soon learns and adapts to neologisms like NU noo (for not useful), VU voo (for very useful), GU goo (for greatly useful), etc., is suddenly gripped by a feverish form of intellectual diarrhoea, as a result of which webpages upon webpages are filled with loads of mental excretions (also called ‘reviews’) of variable sights and flavours. Of course, it is nearly an orgasmic pleasure to scoop out the golden nuggets of fragrant wisdom scattered here and there amongst the droppings.
(4) Sometimes, particularly when the addiction is pathologic, daily routine goes for a toss. The victims start looking at everything purposefully with deep consumerly interest and with a view to review it at the earliest opportune moment. Nothings seems to be safe anymore. Movies are mercilessly massacred, airlines are lambasted, services are slit wide open by this band of mouthshut infects. Of course, deserving subjects are praised and recommended. In short, life is just not the same again.
(5) In the extreme, victims wrestle to keep awake till late into the night, begin communicating online (or on the sidelines) on a variety of salacious consumerist issues with other victims of the same or preferably, of the opposite sex! In the process, they keep on ignoring repeated solicitations from exasperated spouses until threatened with dire and irreversible consequences (close the laptop and get your a** on the bed NOW or else…).
(6) Then, they wake up pretty late in the morning, brush-shit-and-bath even later (or maybe don’t at all), become horridly dyspeptic, rush to office driving dangerously fast, and there too look for an excuse to access the net at the earliest.
(7) The most active victims exhibit a predisposition to be mutually attracted to each other’s ‘reviews’, which is almost invariably followed by a prolonged exchange of sublime congratulatory banter (also called ‘comments’). Some hostile agencies equate this with a lousy phenomenon called ‘you-scratch-my-back & I’ll-scratch-yours’; the veracity of such outrageous claims is, however, seriously doubted by the author of this monograph.
(8) Inexplicably, some victims somehow manage to procreate successfully amongst this entire melee! Some others of course smoke, drink and manage to maintain harmony in their lives.
(9) As mouthshuttitis advances, the victims begin to display gregarious behaviour and begin converging habitually at predetermined locations at a pre-decided times (also called ‘MS meets’). The formalities of mutual admiration are eagerly consummated at such eventful gatherings, minutes of which appear as ‘reviews’ for public consumption.
Natural outcome: Many afflicted individuals seem to be cured promptly even without any treatment and don’t bother to trouble anybody at all. Some flourish for a few ‘reviews’ and then evaporate discreetly. Those with the most florid symptoms transform into starfish like characters and then disappear inexplicably through a ’hole’ of fame. Most others continue to exist in an endless state of supreme satisfaction and churn out delightful ‘reviews’ by the dozen without any greed for starfishy treats and ‘flightful’ of rewards.
Finally: Most victims, including this author, find mouthshuttitis to be one of the best things to have happened in life. Period.
Thanks as always for reading. See you in the banter…er…I mean the comments section.
Sudipto