Abusive customer service is not original with Metro PCS; but they have perfected the art of nasty. Callers who dial in to their widely-advertised 800 number get jerked around through the usual voice robot (’’For Jizz, press 4...’’) but theirs is worse than all the rest. No matter what your needs, there is only one way to get to speak to a live human person: You must pretend to attempt to activate a new Metro PCS phone. (HINT: Bypass the endless robot sales pitches by navigating: 1-2-1-0.)

When you do speak to a rep, be sure to get name and operator number first</b. Don’t say another word until the rep knows you are ready to rat him or her out to a supervisor if you get blown off or jerked around. Even so, expect the most obnoxious, rude, unhelpful, stupid service. Metro PCS has made the business decision that customer service costs money, so they will make it as unpleasant and useless as possible in hopes you never call again. You will need all your savvy customer skills to penetrate the fatty layers of deliberate stupidity in order to get anything done.

You will be asked for your password. However, you don’t get a password. They want you to tell them your birthdate. This is just plain stupid, so the first time you call, be sure to give them a bogus birthdate -- not something that is public information.

Paying your bill is a trial. Again, Metro PCS has done the numbers. The best thing for them is that you hand them a credit card number and they take what they like each month -- so they make every other method of payment difficult and charge you extra for the privilege. They will never send you a paper bill. That might be fine, except that they also charge extra for you to see your bill online. Essentially, you are to remain in ignorance from month to month. And no, it’s not</b always the same amount -- the ’’flat rate’’ varies by as much as $5 from one month to the next. With no itemized bill, you don’t even know why.

Metro PCS has not got many of the features you expect from other providers; I can’t speak to this topic in detail, since I have little interest in them. However, you do not get text messaging without paying extra; email does not seem to work at all.

Here in the San Francisco Bay Area, network connectivity has been improving -- I’ll say that much. A few years ago, it was hit-and-miss if you got any signal; now, coverage is pretty decent, at least in the urban area.

There is exactly one feature that Metro PCS offers, and that is notable: They are extremely cheap. As you probably know, your so-called flat rate entitles you to unlimited calling; if you sign up for the so-called $40 rate (you’ll pay about $47/month), that’s unlimited anywhere in the US, day or night. If you’ve ever been hit with a $500+ cell phone bill, you can appreciate this feature.

In the end, of course, rotten customer service is the norm rather than the exception. If you’re willing to spend double the money to be treated just a little less rudely, by all means, go somewhere else. You may just need a better network. But for routine business, I choose Metro PCS for one reason only: Cheap.

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