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Interview with a Vampire-II
Sep 14, 2007 09:55 PM 1264 Views
(Updated Sep 14, 2007 09:57 PM)

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Reports say that ever since the resounding failure of his ventures, Memnon Ki Khamoshi, Aap Ka Guroor and Choona Mana Hai, directorScorpius Maximus Indicus has been hiding somewhere. He has been refusing to speak to Indians, saying that all Indians are morons, dim wits and dont have any sense of humour.


He has indicated that he will speak only to Americans, as he has set his sights on Hollywood now. So they sent intrepid reporter and well known movie critic James Ebert Bernard to find out his whereabouts. James Ebert Bernard came to know from sources that Scorpius had been hiding in Seoul, and so he tracked him down all the way there to a small flat.


JEB knocked on the door, and a guy with shades and a French beard opened the door. And the guy says "Hi, been waiting for you my name is Ado, Desperado, people call me Desperado 007".


JEB is perplexed"I am looking for Scorpius Maximus Indicus, I think this is the wrong address, and I dont think I am the kind of guy you are waiting for".



007, gives a grin, " I am Scorpius Maximus Indicus", JEB is stunned again"What?", *


"Yes dude, I changed my name to Desperado 007, you see I love changing everything, my name, my job, my profile, my place. The only thing I have not changed so far is my wife, but I do keep changing my girlfriends, he, he".



JEB:** "Oh no wonder they call a meeting with you as "Interview with the Vampire".But this name, I mean I know Desperado, and I know 007, but Desperado 007".


"Ah now comming to my name, Desperado reminds me of guns and Salma Hayek, I love Latinos, and 007 is all about cars, babes and bikinis, so a very potent combination. Also my wife told me that I looked kinda like OO7 in that new pic of mine.".


JEB: *"So like the original 007, do you like martini and females".


Desperado 007: "Ah no I do love my soju, stirred and not shaken.  And yes only American females, I set my standards high, the **Korean and Fillipino females here are pretty, but they cant speak proper English.  And no Indian females, they are so boring. Indians dont have the wit or sense of humour to understand my masterpieces. So I decided something radical ".


JEB:** "And what exactly is that".


Desperado 007:** " See why should we only make movies from English to Hindi, so why cant we make movies from Bollywood to Hollywood. And so I decided to remake some horrific Hindi movies into English. These are going to be Horror classics of the first kind. John Carpenter, Wes Craven, Manoj Night Shyamalan are all passe. From now on there will be only one name on every 1's lips Desperado 007".



JEB**: So whats your first movie going to be kinda?


"Aah there was this horror classic called "Mohabattein" that came some time back in Bollywood. So I am gonna remake this back into Hollywood as "The Living Zombies Society".



JEB: Forgive my ignorance of Hindi, Desperado, but as far as I know, **Mohabattein means love or romance kind, how can this be a horror movie.


"Aah there you are, you see, Adi Chopra, was inspired by Dead Poet's Society, and wanted to make it in Hindi. He however thought that because of the name this must be a horror movie, and so he ended up making one. Now consider this plot, Frankenstein(Amitabh Bachan) is the principal of a college, one fine day Dracula( Shahrukh Khan) enters there playing a violin. Dracula was in love with Frankenstein's daughter, Rebecca( Aishwarya Rai), but Papa said no, and she said Papa dont Preach, and jumped. Now Rebecca is theLady in White, romancing Dracula. See imagine, Dracula as the lover of Frankenstein's daughter, not even Hollywood has come up with such a script. And as if that was not enough we have 3 parallel stories running in the movie. King Kong(Uday Chopra) imagines he is a hunk, and falls in love with Paris Hilton( Shamita Shetty), Harpie Voice( Kim Sharma) has a love story with Buffalo Bill( Jugal Hansraj so called because he looks like a girl in a guys body), and so we have a trans gender relationship there."



JEB**: Stop it, my head is spinning.



"Aah yes James, your head will spin, but I assure you this will be the entry for Oscars, I mean imagine Dracula as Frankenstein's student, and King Kong as Dracula's student. And the issues of spiritual love and trans gender relationship and confused identities, perfect Oscar material.".



JEB: Hmm guess so, anyway whats your next script?



"Yes this will be like a Horror movie, you have never seen in your life. This is the remake of a movie called "Jaani Dushman Ek Anokhi Kahani", and I am remaking this in Hollywood  as"Enemy for Life: The Incredible Story of Armaan Kohli".  I call it as incredible story, for the fact that some one imagined of making a full 3 hours of movie with Armaan Kohli as hero and villian. Now this has so many elements of gothic and supernatural horror. Consider this the opening sequence of this movie shows the mating of two anancondas( Manisha Koirala and Armaan Kohli), is there any thing more horrific than that. No wonder the sage curses them to death. And again, the next horror part of the movie is that we haveAkshay Kumar, Sunil Shetty, Aditya Pancholi all of whom are 40+ as students in a college studying computers. And we have Ms Anaconda reborn on earth, and she dates Mr. Loud  Mouth( Sunny Deol) who is also a 40+ college student. Ms Anaconda and Ms Big Mouth do a Bhangra in London, and we have exclusive footage of  London Bridge falling down, due to the earthquake generated.


And in the meanwhile, Mr Anaconda, frustrated at seeing Ms. Anaconda with Mr Loud Mouth, keeps changing shapes as Neo in Matrix, Terminator, and horror of horrors even Rambha, all the while maintaining the same expression".


JEB: "Hmm I am kinda feeling dizzy now, I think I need a soju".


"Dont worry dude, we have some soju, and tonite, we have nice Fillipino babes for company. Anyway let me finish my last script for this part. We had a movie called "Fight Club" in Hindi, which I am remaking as "Timberinia: The Chronicles of Timber Mart".


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