Disclaimer: Take this whole review with a pinch of salt. Don’t even think twice if you need to NU it.

This happened many springs ago. A time when no one spoke openly about the birds and the bees. It was an era of being erotic, without being erratic.

And it was during those times that a young girl with pigtails, sat under a tree, sniffing at a petunia and reading a Mills and Boons book. Through these books she thought she could learn about life and also the birds and the bees. She read book after book after book after book... but to her dismay there were no birds, no bees... only a concoction of fantasies described in adjectives that would make your mother blush.

That little girl with pigtails, grew to be a lady named Shanti aka the_reviewer.

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sMILLS like teen spirit
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The tales that are narrated in these books sport slender storylines that often bank on romance and romantic fantasies to lend credibility to the lack of tight plots. Also, within the framework of those slender storylines, the authors weaved in a whole lot of descriptive descriptions on how the hero did this and how the heroine did that, when the hero did what he did.

As you pore through the pages, you are taken through a whole lot of this... and a lot more of that... which will become more evident as I get to the section where I pick a handful of these Romantic Fictional er... ’CLASSICS’ that have inspired many a pig tailed lass to dream about knights in shining armour and happily ever afters.

Some new titles in this series include "The Greek Tycoon’s Pregnant Wife", "Going All The Way"... er... you get the picture.

Now... to some titles you may never see in the Mills and Boons library... cos the author (me) didn’t give it to them...

To the skeptical reader and the one’s who are serious all the time... the following technique of illustrating through example is used to give the reader an impression of how Mills and Boons books operate.

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Top Mills and Boon books (authored by Psyxx)
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The Chimney Sweep and I

This is the tale of a chimney sweep who swept a maiden off her feet and managed to clean out more than just the chimney. An excerpt from this classic...

His soot covered hands slowly snaked over her white night gown. It was as if he were marking his territory. As his hands made progress, she let out a moan that sounded like a cross between a humpback whale’s mating call and the sound of a cow bleating cos an ant bit it’s udders..."

This title retails at $5.99

Natalie Natwarlal

An Australian lady marries an Indian shipping magnate and in a years time, the shipping magnate accidentally falls off the front of a ship while trying to enact the romantic scene from Titanic. He lands head first in the water and doesn’t resurface. The lady is young and knows about the birds and the bees but couldn’t get enough time to do anything cos of the aforementioned shipping accident. So, she takes charge of her husband’s empire and travels around the world in her ship. The whole tale is about her fantasies with a sailor named Jack Spratt who always had a bandage on his right arm.

After many a roll in the hay... sea... whatever... she accidentally yanks the bandage off his arm and sees a tattoo of a naked chicken on his hand. This is when she realized that this is her long lost brother who had been lost in the Kumbh Mela. Needless to say... she sucKUMBHs to MELAncholia... and jumps off the front of the ship to join her dead husband.

Retails at: $0.99

Behind the tree...

A vagabond, forever sleeping under a tree, spots a young lass of 17 and teaches her about the birds and the bees. An excerpt:

"He was lying there, under the tree. His long beard reminded me of my favourite barbie doll... who had a similar beard. His straw hat turned me on so bad... oh i wanted him so bad... but would he...

The vagabond woke up... scratched his nose... and went back to sleep..."

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and who reads these?
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All the ladies in here read them... well atleast most... ok... maybe some. For starters, I just told you that Shanti (aka the_reviewer) reads them. So does magicalsummer, angel25 and the rest of the ladies... if i name them all, they’ll kill me.

WHY... even flyingelephant reads them... muhahahahaha

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what some of the men in here say...
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Prof Shakarotti aka Doc Sudipto says that "the average lifespan of a Mills and Boons fantasy is directly proportional to the energy expended by the practical exposure and contact that people indulge in during the fantasy multiplied by the time taken to expend such energy. To prolong the effect, do this simple exercise... take your left hand under and through your right leg and your right hand around your neck (so that it touches your nose) and now stand on your head for 15 minutes and chant SHAKA RO TEA... SHAKA... ROW... TEA"

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Finally... should you read it?
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Sure... what’s wrong with a fantasy or two?

~finis~

PS: Whoever thinks psyxx is a good writer.... please change your damn minds...

PPS: Please dont give me a lecture on how i misused this space. I’ve heard that a hundred times already... and i have a migraine...

PPPS: Was very tempted to cross the line but... not this time... cos I have a migraine...