This is the story of a great soul
Who was born a long, long time ago.
Devoid of hair, he resembled a lump of coal
And left his mama wondering whether she had given birth to a crow.
At first breath, he smiled
Unlike other babies who wail.
His smile made him resemble an animal wild;
All that was missing was a long, bushy tail.
He grew up and acquired many a tooth
Of course, he continued to be uncouth.
All of four, he decided that he will never take a bath,
Which is why, my dear friends, he was named Alok Nath!
When our little hero became a big boy,
He became increasingly sharmila (shamefully shy) and increasingly coy
Because his heart became bequaabu (out of control)
For his fat, little classmate - our very own Reema Lagoo!
If he was pudgy, she was stout.
Their dreams came true on Valentine's Day
When Miss Lagoo asked him out,
His reply being, ''I am so happy ... I am so gay ...''
Fast forward two scores,
When both had become reputed Bollywood bores,
They rekindled the fire, complete with a groan and a moan
In their eternal love saga Hum Aapke Hain Kaun.
He tried to shake his unexistent hair to resemble a rock star
And tried in vain to strum the guitar.
After all, he wanted to impress his beloved drum
And in the end, settled for a good ol' harmonium.
He preached to his samdhi's (which is not similar to samadhi, but means his flame's husband) family,
He preached to all of them, all thirty-nine,
''Chachi, chacha, mami, mama, nani and nana (different species of uncles and aunts),
Dance when you get the chance and stand in a line,
To the effervescent beat of Dhik Tana Dhik Tana (translation beyond my linguistic capacity)
He has many other (in)famous works,
Full of his smile and many other quirks.
He completed his Buffoonery of Acting i.e. his B.A.
And featured in Jeena Sirf Merre Liye.
His look of horror was the piece de resistance
As the windshield of his car
Was smashed to smithereens
By his lookalike, who else but everyone's favourite Tusshar ?!
The next scene was rip-roaring fun
When he realised that Tusshar was his samdhi's son.
And the usually diabetic sugar cube erupted and began to curse.
Tusshar or Nath ... I wonder who acted worse!
And one day, our hero has something to say,
Just like a donkey has something to bray.
Mujhe Kucch Kehna Hai is next on my list,
Don't tell me that you want to hear its gist!
Kareena tells him that boyfriends are not her cup of tea.
Not knowing how to react, he simultaneously displays gloom et glee.
As the mixed emotions at the prospect that his niece is not straight
Cause him to crylaugh ... laughcry and ofcourse, smile, ''hee hee''!
Want a fourth film? Let me go on.
As our superstar's films are like his smile- going on and on.
As he attempted to sing one more time
And without a single baal (something which the poor soul does not have ... hair), featured in Taal.
I still do not know whether Taal was good or not
For the opening scene featuring Mr. Nath singing on the road like a saint
Was enough to make yours truly faint!
And then, when Reema Lagoo came on KBC,
She was asked whether Nath's gender was of a specific kind.
She used 'Phone A Friend' and gave our beloved Nath a call.
''Sex?'' she asked. ''You are making me sharminda (ashamed) ... I don't mind.
But if you are asking me about my gender, my dear drum,
All I can say is Na Tum Jaano Na Hum!''
In NTJNH, our hero played dadi as well as dada
To Miss Deol Esha,
And muttered a dialogue that his husband is his life (!)
And when we felt that we had a confession coming up,
We realised that he was only mimicing his dead (might have committed suicide) wife!
Once at a function, Alok Nath was made the 'Pest Of Honour',
''He he he he, aap mujhe sharminda kar rahe hain,'' was his answer.
He twisted his face, thinking that it will show the pain, pleasure, humility and emotion.
Unfortunately, the organiser thought that it meant motion
And assuming that Nath wanted to do,
He directed our hero to the loo.
Such are his expressions - twisted more than clay and totally senile,
But his ex-appeal, according to Lagoo
Has to be his evergreen (due to his green teeth) smile.
My opinion differs a trifle,
As on seeing him smile, a puke I cannot stifle.
I wonder why his teeth seem blacked than him.
When he crylaughs, ''Hahhahha!''
And I feel like singing to him,
''Ki aap Close-Up kyun nahin karte hayyen?
Umm hmm hahhahhaha ha ha haaaaaa!''
(translated as 'why don't you click a close-up photograph of you and your drum?')
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Alok Nath has forced me to come back from my brief hiatus ... just goes to show that he ... does not rock, but deserves to be pelted with rocks!
All right, a poem may not appeal to everyone, but let me know how the concept and execution was ... I wonder, are there any other reviews which are totally in poetic lingo ...?
