The smile on Centurion Dubius Status’s face suggested he was in a good mood, but his black eye and two broken teeth gave enough evidence countering that suggestion. As he craned his neck and looked around him, he saw spears bent out of shape, battered shields, mangled bodies, uprooted tents, broken teeth; if he was not so used to the sight, he would have thought the final parts of Homer’s Illiad was playing all over again in front of him. And yet, that very morning, Totorum was looking as prim and clean as ever. They had woken up to a beautiful day, cleaned up whatever needed cleaning up, ate whatever needed eating, and sat down to an idle day of gossip and charades. They were minding their own business.
Then they came. They were all there, the short midget with the yellow moustache (he had heard people refer to him as Asterix), the big fat pachyderm in red pigtails and striped brooches, the one who smelled horrible, the one who sang terribly, the one on the shield…all of them! Heck, even the dog was there! His hand moved involuntarily to feel the missing patch of clothing on his bottom and winced as he felt the pain. He then shook his head and got up to his feet. They have to get the place back up and running, and enjoy the time they have before they come again. The indomitable Gauls. A shudder travelled down the length of his body as he mouthed those words to himself.
Let us now take leave of these dismal surroundings and move further up north to the lovely Armorican coast in the Northern part of Gaul where en equally lovely village is situated, which has been so successful at keeping the Roman army at bay. On our left as we enter we see Fulliauotomatix, the village blacksmith, in front of his hut teaching an eager apprentice the tricks of his trade. Fulliautomatix’s claim to fame is that he is always the first one to bash Cacofonix, the village bard, to the ground whenever the latter gets ready to display any of his musical talents. The whole village has the same opinion of poor Cacofonix as does Fulliautomatix, but they are equally unanimous in their love for him as long as he doesn’t sing.
The elderly gentleman sitting over there is Geriatrix, the oldest inhabitant of the village, as energetic and as youthful as ever. As we walk further down, we are lured by a strange scent of smell than can only come from the strategically located hut of Unhygienix and his wife Bacteria, the village fishmongers. His customers, especially Fulliautomatix, never lose an opportunity to let him know what they think about the quality of his fish; and given how protective Unhygienix is of his fish, it is no surprise that Unhygienix Fishmongers is the site for most village fights.
The garden we see yonder and the hut adjoining it belong to Getafix, the venerable village druid. His magic potion, the ingredients of which are known only to him, gives anyone who drinks it superhuman strength, and it is largely thanks to him that the little village is holding out so strongly against the might of the entire Roman Empire. He is currently out in the forest gathering mistletoe, which, besides a drop of petroleum, is one of the only known key ingredients of the magic potion.
Right next to Unhygienix’s shop is a menhir quarry owned by Obelix, the big fat man with red pigtails, the strongest Gaul in the village and a menhir-delivery man by trade. Obelix fell into a cauldron of magic potion as a baby and as a result, the potion had a permanent effect on him. Poor Obelix is always left out of ‘magic potion drinking sessions’ before a battle, which leaves him understandably chuffed for not being able to taste something that smells so nice.
There he is, menhir perched on his hands behind him, whistling a happy tune to himself, talking on occasion to his dog, Dogmatix. Sporting a small Gaulish moustache of his own, Dogmatix, when not retrieving menhirs for Obelix, is known for his love of Roman but*ocks and trees. There have also been occasions when Dogmatix’s sense of smell has guided our heroes out of a few tight spots. The incident that readily comes to mind is when he leads Asterix and Obelix out of a pyramid in ‘Asterix and Cleopatra’.
If we turn right from the quarry, we run into the hut of Vitalstatistix the village chief, and his chief Impedimenta who occasionally passes as his wife. Vitalstatistix is well-endowed in terms of body fat, just as a chief should be, but life is not easy for the shield-bearers that have to carry him everyday, and when Impedimenta borrows the shield (along with the bearers) for her shopping sprees, poor Vitalstatistix has no choice but to walk. But shield or no shield, he is well-respected by his people, and he himself, just like his fellow villagers, doesn’t know the meaning of fear and is afraid of only one thing – that the sky is about to fall on his head.
Finally, here we are, standing right in front of the hut that belongs to the fiercest Gaulish warrior in ancient history, Asterix. He is regarded the most intelligent of all the Gaulish villagers and shares an inseparable bond of friendship with Obelix. It is no wonder that Asterix and Obelix, being the smartest and strongest of the lot, are automatic choices for any adventure that comes begging. Druid Getafix’s magic potion can take them only so far, but with Asterix’s cunning, Obelix’s strength and Dogmatix’s nose, there are not many walls impossible to scale.
Go to Greece with them to the Olympic games where Asterix gets a palm of victory, travel to Belgium with Asterix, Obelix and Vitalstatistix to prove that the Gauls, and not Belgians, are the fiercest warriors of all. Join them in the search for black gold, also known as petroleum with the evil spy Dubbelosix (notice the parody on another, more popular spy double-0-seven) trying his best to thwart them. Delight in their travails to refill an empty cauldron that belongs to the cunning Gaulish chief Whosemoralsarelastix (whose-morals-are-elastix). Or accompany them to mystical India, the land of fakirs and snake charmers and flying carpets, where they help Watziznehm (yes, that’s his name) pit his talents against the evil vizier Hoodunnit.
Alternatively, if you are the home-staying type, see how Caesar gives the Gaulish village away as a gift to a bartender (Just for trivia, the bartender’s name is Orthopaedix, his wife’s name is Angina and their daughter answers to the name of Influenza). Witness the power of slander to destroy friendships in ‘Asterix and the Roman Agent’ where Tortuous Convolvulus, a Roman agent, is sent on a special mission to destroy the unity of the village. Watch how Asterix and Obelix, along with Vitalstatistix’s third-generation nephew Justforkix, teach the Normans the meaning of fear, which they themselves do not know. And while you are there, don’t forget to notice (and remember) some of the Norman names like Firsthaf, Secondhaf, Nescaf, Telegraf etc.
I have the whole collection of Asterix series and even when I read them now (for the nth time), I break into fits of laughter; not smiles mind you, literal fits of laughter. There is something about those drawings, those dialogues, those names, those spoofs, that doesn’t ever fail to tickle the funny bone. If you haven’t read all of the Asterix series, you are missing out on some serious fun. Beg, borrow or steal, but make sure you read them all at least once before you go to your grave. You will be crazy not to.
