When I go to malls today, I find it thronging with activity. People devouring food, rampaging garments stores and hobbling around weighed down by shopping bags. The question that comes to my mind is...where does so much 'extra' money come from?

I remember those days when we used to buy clothes before pujas, a car used to serve us for 10 years and shoes were not bought by the dozen.

The same people whom we see trudging around the shopping malls in the weekend (instead of a park or lake side) will be working till 10 PM to complete their work. To get that elusive promotion and perks, they will readily sacrifice their family life and spend their evening in front of laptops instead of their children. (I am unfortunately one of these people).

But the question that haunts me is this: Will these new clothes make that persistent headache go away? Will that new pair of shoes help us get rid of our collective ulcers and paunches? Will that new car help us have a good marriage?

If not, why are we off on this endless chase behind more and more money? Why not spend our evenings with our family, spend our weekends at a lake side picnic or use our 'extra' money for a family trip?

Is it all worth it?

The hours that you spend on earth are limited...spend them wisely.

The human resources story

A highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically knocked down by a bus and killed. Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter welcomed her:

"Before you get settled in," he said, "We have a little problem... you see, we've never had a Human Resources Manager make it this far before and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"Oh, I see," said the woman. "Can't you just let me in?"

"Well, I'd like to," said St Peter, "But I have higher orders. We're instructed to let you have a day in hell and a day in heaven, and then you are to choose where you'd like to go for all eternity."

As the doors opened in hell she stepped out onto a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club; around her were many friends - past fellow executives, all smartly dressed, happy, and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played a perfect round of golf and afterwards went to the country club where she enjoyed a superb steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil, who was actually rather nice, and she had a wonderful night telling jokes and dancing. Before she knew it, it was time to leave; everyone shook her hand and waved goodbye as she stepped into the elevator. The elevator went back up to heaven where St. Peter was waiting for her.

"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said.

So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing, which was almost as enjoyable as her day in hell. At the day's end St Peter returned.

"So," he said, "You've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. You must choose between the two."

The woman thought for a second and replied, "Well, heaven is certainly lovely, but I actually had a better time in hell. I choose hell." Accordingly, St. Peter took her to the elevator again and she went back down to hell.

When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends dressed in rags, picking up rubbish and putting it in old sacks. The Devil approached and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stuttered the HR Manager, "Yesterday I was here, and there was a golf course, and a country club, and we ate lobster, and we danced and had a wonderful happy time. Now all there's just a dirty wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're staff."

"I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off."

"I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage."

"Their 18 year old son is continuously banging his balls against my fence."

"I wish to report that tiles are missing from the roof of the outside toilet and I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off."

"The lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?"

"I am writing on behalf of my sink which is coming away from the wall."

"Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant."

"I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen."

"Can you please tell me when the repairs will be done as my wife is about to become an expectant mother."

"I am still having trouble with smoke in my built in drawers."

"The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared."

"Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink."

"Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now it is in three pieces."

"Would you please send a man to repair my sprout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away."

"I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's getting too much."

"The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous."

"Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so will you please send someone around to do something about it."

"I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would be pleased if you could do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night."

"Please send a man with clean tools to finish the job and satisfy the wife."

"I have had the Clerk of the Works down on the floor six times, but still have no satisfaction."

"We are getting married in September and would like it in the garden before we move into the house."

"This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2."

Beware of a man with a gleam in his eyes - it may just be the sun shining through the hole in his head. (Women's washroom graffiti.)

The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breastplate open. (Graffiti in a women's washroom.)

A woman's rule of thumb: If it has tyres or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it. (Sign in a women's washroom. In the US tyres would be tires.)

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD.

WELL? YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.

MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST WHEN I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY, WITH THE SAME NAME, HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED FAIRVIEW HIGH SCHOOL.

"YES. YES, I DID. I'M A BULLDOG," HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

"WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?" I ASKED.

HE ANSWERED, "IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?"

"YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!" I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, FAT ASS, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT MAN ASKED,

"WHAT DID YOU TEACH ???"

Phone Ringing:

6 weeks : Baby, somebody wants you on the phone.
6 months : Here, for you.
6 years : PHONE RINGING.

Cooking:

6 weeks : I never knew food could taste so good!
6 months : What are we having for dinner tonight?
6 years : AGAIN!!!!

Apology:

6 weeks : Honey muffin, don't you worry, Ill never hold this against you.
6 months : Watch out! Don't do it again.
6 years : What's not to understand about what I just said??

New Dress:

6 weeks : Oh my God, you look like an angel in that dress.
6 months : You bought a new dress again???
6 years : How much did THAT cost me?

Planning for Vacations:

6 weeks : How do 2 weeks in Vienna or anywhere you please sound??
6 months : What's so bad about going to Istanbul on a charter plane?
6 years : Travel? What's so bad about staying home???

TV:

6 weeks : Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?
6 months : I like this movie.
6 years : I'm going to watch ESPN, if you're not in the mood, go to bed, I can stay up by myself

This is too good ............  Mera Bharat Mahan !!!

Bill Gates organized an enormous session to recruit a new Chairman for Microsoft Europe. 5000 candidates assembled in a large room. One candidate is Arun an Indian (bengali) guy.

Bill Gates thanked all the candidates for coming and asking those who do not know JAVA program to leave. 2000 people leave the room. Arun says to himself, 'I do not know JAVA but I have nothing to lose if I stay. I'll give it a try'

Bill Gates asked the candidates who never had experience of managing more than 100 people to leave.

2000 people leave the room. Arun says to himself ' I never managed anybody by myself but I have nothing to lose if I stay. What can happen to me?' So he stays.

Then Bill Gates asked candidates who do not have management diplomas to leave. 500 people leave the room. Arun says to himself, 'I left school at 15 but what have I got to lose?' So he stays in the room.

Lastly, Bill Gates asked the candidates who do not speak Serbo - Croat to leave. 498 people leave the room. Arun says to himself, 'I do not speak one word of Serbo - Croat but what do I have to lose?' So he stays and finds himself with one other candidate.

Everyone else has gone.

Bill Gates joined them and said 'Apparently you are the only two candidates who speak Serbo - Croat, so I'd now like to hear you have a conversation together in that language.'

Calmly, Arun turns to the other candidate and says 'Kemon aachis ('How are you' in Bengali)'

The other candidate answers 'Bhaloi ('Good' in Bengali)'

Sam Kinison

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
 
James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."
 
Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
 

Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
 
Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
 
Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
 
Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
 
 
Anonymous

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
 
Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.

Inside, he finds a young couple naked in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife spread-eagle to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: 'Listen, This guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.

I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do whatever he tells you. Satisfy his urges completely no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!'

His wife responds with a smile: 'He wasn't kissing my neck, darling. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and wants to have se*x with you. He asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.

Be strong honey. I love you too.

 

George Carlin's Views on Aging
 
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old
 is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so
 excited about aging that you think in fractions.
 
'How old are you?' 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and
 a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key
 
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the
 next number, or even a few ahead.
 
'How old are you?' 'I'm gonna be 16!' You could be 13, but hey, you're
 gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . You become 21.
 Even the words sound like a ceremony . YOU BECOME 21 YESSSS!!!
 
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound
 like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now,
 you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?
 
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the
 brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and
 your dreams are gone.
 
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!
 
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
 
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a
 day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
 
You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT
 lunch; you TURN 4:30 ; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there.
 Into the 90s, you start going backwards; 'I Was JUST 92.'
 
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a
 little kid again. 'I'm 100 and a half!'
 May you all make it to a h ealthy 100 and a half!!
 
HOW TO STAY YOUNG
 1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and
 height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay 'them.'
 
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
 
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening,
 whatever. Never let the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's
 workshop' And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
 
4. Enjoy the simple things.
 
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
 
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who
 is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are
 alive.
 
7. Surround yourself with what you love , whether it's family, pets,
 keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
 
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable,
 improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
 
9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next
 county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.
 
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.