Ever felt so left out in a crowd that it hurts ? Ever felt ridiculous standing in your stilettoes which are pinching your feet, in a velvet dress which is suddenly making you feel hot and bothered, in too much makeup that you long to wash off, and with a fixed smile ? Ever felt like being the only one in a party who does not belong there ?

That is exactly the way one feels in a relationship that has stopped working.

It may have started with a big bang, it may have taken you places but its over now. Don’t you just long to shake off that charade, turn away and walk off from the party where you're no longer are having fun ?

It may be a long road home, maybe its dark outside and your heart trembles at making your way alone on a stony path with no light to guide you. Maybe you fear that someone may see you trying to leave and call out your name, drawing everyone’s unwelcome attention on you. Maybe the sound of the music that floats in the night air still pulls you back, promising you beautiful dreams all over again. Maybe you keep telling yourself that if you stay just a bit longer, the notes of the music will change and you will feel happy again, just the way you used to, when you just walked into this room, seduced by the dreams which never really came true.

But do you really believe it ?

You may have trouble making your way back in the dark night. You may feel so lonely walking alone on the path outside, that you may feel sudden tears in your eyes which will further hinder you vision. You may turn back to look for the last time at the lighted room which once promised you so much and may even feel like running back because the child inside you refuses to let go of the familiar.

But how long do you want to stand here, feeling unwelcome and unwanted ?

Think of the comfort of your own lonesome shadow waiting for you, lonely though it may be, but it is yours. Think of the sudden relief you will feel when you throw these uncomfortable stilettos in the air and wear your old, worn out slippers again. Think of the feeling when you discard this tight and uncomfortable velvet dress and get into your comfortable Ts again.

The music that seduces you may sound distant then. And dream like. After a while you will stop hearing it. It will stop disturbing you. Because finally, you will sleep soundly.

The Delhi MS-meet happened. On the 5th of October.

Was it fun ? You bet !! This sure was the longest MS meet I attended - so that shows the comfort level we all shared.

So first things first. Who did NOT attend the meet ?

Vishal (Visgarg) : He said he was feeling tired since he came back from some place.

Nonu (Nonuest) : She said she was feeling feverish.

Alok (alk_ranjan) : He said he had to go some place.

We missed you, guys. Never mind, we hope you are able to make it the next time.

That done. So here we go !

Who attended the meet ?

Manjeet (Monoo) : Our guest of honour. Looking absolutely ROKKING in pink (the new black, he said). And of course, we had to agree, since he was making the color work so well for him. I could not help asking him if he worked out in the gym regularly. Well, wish I was not so outspoken !! I just loved his sense of humour and his manner of speaking in a spell-binding way. I was quite, quite impressed with him.

Nidhi (nidhi1) : The lady in black. Nidhi and me always end up in identical outfits in all meets. Last time it was pink shirt and blue jeans. This time we BOTH were in black top and blue jeans. Talk about coincidences ! Or maybe, just maybe its all about great minds thinking alike (I hope !). We did not even get started on the meet till Nidhi walked in. And not to forget, she was the one who got the show going in the first place. It was her idea, the meet, the place, the time, just everything. We love you, Nidhi, for suggesting this !

Sonika (akisha) : The lady in red. According to her, she felt that when one goes to MS meets with Monu, they have to be in red. Weird, huh ? Not that we were complaining. She was looking so stunning :)

Swati (swan) : I just love her for the warmth she displays. She can put just anyone at ease. Her sweet, libran smile can make one feel like all is well and one can just relax. I feel as though I have known her since ages, she is that cool. She always looks SO in control.

Payal (mailsukhi) : Amazingly cool and confident, Payal felt like a very old friend right on the first meeting. Just five minutes after saying 'hi' to her, I realized that we had actually lived in the same colony for some time, some years back. Why, oh why did I not meet her before ?

Abhijai (Junior Shahrukh) : Abhijai with his cute smile and round cheeks was very much there. He is twinkletoes, dancing eyes and a very naughty mind all rolled up in one adorable bundle.

So that ends the list of the attendees.

Did we talk ? Oh yes ! We talked up a storm. We discussed many, many people (oh, do I see people squirming ?) and exchanged lots of ideas and non-ideas about review and diary writing, reading and commenting. After rounds of food and drinks (yeah, there were many varied rounds according to moods), we decided to end the meet. We shook hands, hugged and just kept doing that for a long time. Thats because none of us actually wanted to leave.

I do hope we can meet up soon, folks.

So how do you know you are in love ?

When it will happen to you, you will just know it. Thats simple enough :)

Are you wondering if he / she is the one ? Do you pause and think too often ? Do you worry about the pros and cons ? Well then, it’s not love. You may be just involved with someone who interests you at that particular moment and sooner or later, you will move on. It may be just the need of the moment. But need of the moment does not mean love.

Love does not bring any pretences, any doubts. It goes straight for your instincts, your common sense is not involved in the dynamics of love. It comes along, sweeping in your life, like the strongest winds, uprooting all that was there, leaving behind in its wake, a topography of your heart you no longer recognize.

It whispers in your ears "Here I am, why were you looking for me everywhere, I was right here, waiting for you to open your eyes and recognize me. Take me, hold me, make me yours."

Love makes you want to run free, with your hair against the wind, with arms outstretched, with not a care in the world…the only wish to be with your ‘someone special’.

Wondering if you are worthy enough ? Feeling unsure of your appearance, your abilities ? Love does not make you feel that way. It makes you feel like you, with all your imperfections, are the most attractive person born in the world.

Love is liberating and exhilarating. It sets you free. Love comes with a special bonus of a flight with love being the wind beneath your wings.

Feeling chained up ? Move on, that’s not love. Feeling suffocated and obliged to behave in a certain manner ? Get a life. Do not make the mistake of binding yourself with the chains of mindgames of other people. You do not need the emotional baggage of someone else. You have your own. That should be enough.

Throw off the baggage, fly away.

Do not worry about not finding love. Love will find you.

And here's an end to this diary post with my favourite song :

Love changes everything: hands and faces, earth and sky.
Love changes everything: how you live and how you die.
Love can make the summer fly, or a night seem like a lifetime.
Yes, love changes everything, now I tremble at your name.
Nothing in the world will ever be the same.

Love changes everything: days are longer, words mean more.
Love changes everything: pain is deeper than before.
Love will turn your world around, and that world will last forever.
Yes, love changes everything, brings you glory, brings you shame.
Nothing in the world will ever be the same.

Off into the world we go, planning futures, shaping years.
Love bursts in and suddenly all our wisdom disappears.
Love makes fools of everyone: all the rules we make are broken.
Yes love, love changes everything: live or perish, in its flame.
Love will never ever let you be the same.

Today was the Solar eclipse – just ‘another solar eclipse’ for grown-ups. But something so terribly cute for children. Imagine explaining to a child what a solar eclipse means – his eyes get wider and wider with each new revelation. Sometimes it is worthwhile to look inside those big, black eyes rather than at the wonder of the sun hiding behind the moon.

Even after long sessions of explaining what a solar eclipse means and looking up the internet to show him images, I received a panicky phone call from Sitab in the afternoon. Apparently, the maid had gone out to pick up his older sister from her bus stop. Though Sitab is used to staying at home alone for those five minutes every day, today was different.

He knew that today was the day when ‘the sun would disappear behind the moon’.

Sitab’s little world crumbled and collapsed as his imagination took off in frightening directions. He imagined the descending darkness when he is home alone, the demons inside the darkness, the lurking danger ! The next thing that happened was that he was making a phone call to me.

All I heard when I picked up the phone was distressed wailing. It took me about five minutes to comfort him and assure him that it would not become ‘as dark as night’ and the 'sun would not get strangled by the moon', 'Sitab will not get blind' and 'no, of course, the sun would not panic and float inside Sitab’s home and get him !'

I just could not concentrate on my work after that kind of mother-son bonding over the phone. So I managed to rush from the lab for home. Much to my surprise, I found Sitab and Alma absolutely cool and composed, eating their lunch. What followed next was another hour of talking about the eclipse, the superstitions associated with it, with both the kids as well as my maid interrupting me with rather cute, adorable questions, which had me in peals of laughter. So there were moments when instead of answering their question, I would be laughing while they would look at me impatiently, wondering what was so funny about their earnest questions.

I love solar eclipses. Especially when seen through the eyes of children.

This is an ode to my favourite character, Chandni in the movie ‘Silsila’. It does not matter that the movie was a commercial flop.  The point is that Rekha who played the role of Chandni looked as lovely and bewitching as an apsara in that movie. And absolutely no lady that I have ever seen has ever come even close to her mesmerizing beauty.

Long black hair hanging down her back in rich waves, pouty ruby red lips, big, vulnerable eyes and a tall, willowy figure – that as the essence of Chandni, AB’s beautiful lover.  Her dressing sense was simply breath-taking - Pastel colored, chiffon saris draped enigmatically with pearls around her long, swan like neck. Offwhite, Cream colored fabrics, sometimes baby-pink, sometimes peach. Soothing colors of sensuality and innocence. Magnetic and alluring, never jarring to the eyes.

All the bright reds and green and even some mousy browns were given to the wife, Jaya Bachchan to wear. Jaya looked, as per the requirements of her role, sophisticated and almost matronly, in total contrast with the dew drop-like Rekha. 

Not only was her look amazingly beautiful, but Chandni had this uncertain, hesitant way of walking that reflected her feminine confusion on being pulled into an exciting but forbidden affair with the tall, handsome AB. Her voice was husky and yet at the same time, sounded like it was dipped in honey. The deep breaths before and after she spoke every sentence just added to her mystery.

My favorite scene in the movie is when AB meets Rekha after years in a parking lot. Determined to fob off his advances and yet in love with him desperately, she whispers ‘I hate you’ to him. Then she whispers it again. And yet again. All AB does is take her into his arms as she breaks into tears. Watch the terrific chemistry between them as she sobs in his arms. There is no need for explanations. You know that this is a very powerful moment when everything ceases to exist – everything, except love. The moment is grim and tense – there is no explosive joy that one comes to expect with lovers uniting. You know that this is the beginning – and not the end.   

My only complaint is that though Chandni was a beautiful woman but nowhere did she display a strong character. As she croons ‘Tu badan hai, main hoon chhaya’, she is just a exotic shadow that follows AB. She does not complain when he leaves her to marry another woman, agrees to an extra-marital affair readily when he proposes and does not even protest much when he leaves her yet again, to be with his long-suffering wife. How I wish she had taken her own decisions and made her own boundaries. Beauty without strength is truly a waste.

Yet, full marks to Rekha for effortlessly looking like the seductive mistress, and still managing to look innocent enough to make you feel like protecting her against the unforgiving world.

I know that its wonderful to be a high flying career woman and all that. Yes, I have heard that woman empowerment is important and women have to be financially independent and stuff like that. I agree with all that.  And that is why I find myself, running up and down the whole day, juggling home and work, all too efficiently and sometimes, all too superficially.

I am always in a rush – I have to catch meetings, give lectures, send and receive orders, make sure my kids finish their homework, keep appointments at work…list goes on. I wish I had a moment, just to do nothing at all, maybe just to stare at the blue skies and sigh contentedly.

Let’s face it, I long for the kind of life my mother had when she was at my age.

I remember the clean, beautiful look of my childhood home when my mother had finished cleaning it........the whistle of the pressure cooker which signaled the preparation of dal-chawal........the sounds of Vivid Bharti on the radio set, the voice of Lata Mangeshkar singing ‘Mere Piya ka ghar hai ye, rani hoon main, raani hoon ghar ki’ which my mother would hum along,..........the anticipation of my father’s home coming from his office........the ‘lets make some tea’ plans.........the smell of the pakoras frying........the green chutney which my mother made..........the aam ka achar drying in the sun outside… I miss all that.

When I was a child, I had thought that my future life would mirror my mother’s but it was my mother who was very determined that my life should be different. She had her own reasons to feel that way. She made sure that I was very serious about my career and would single mindedly pursue it. I feel the same way for my children too. I love my parents and that is why I am doing exactly what they had in mind for me. I have two children, a wonderful husband, a career of my parents’ dreams – there is nothing to complain about.

However, sometimes, there is a moment when I pause to stop in my busy life and remember the sound of ‘Mere Piya ka ghar hai ye’ and wish I had been born some sixty years back when the pace of a woman’s life was slower…

........when she could close the doors against the cold, harsh world, when  she could look at a shining, clean home proudly, put on the radio, take out some embroidery and sing along ‘Mere Piya ka ghar hai ye, rani hoon main, raani hoon ghar ki…..’